Overcoming Differences

Well here I am again. This time saying hello from the land far to the east (again) called China. Well, from the East Coast, or from Shanghai to be more precise. China is kinda big.

This is actually the first year I haven’t written a New-Year-Blogpost… What happened?! Well there’s a first to everything, I say. Change is inevitable, and keeping up a tradition takes more effort than one would think. But some things do not change so easily, like me being in Asia again (😅), or me coming back to this blog when I want to get something off my chest.

Before I get to the matter that led me here in the first place, I would like to say that it’s not like I don’t have any resolution for this year. It’s rather that I have too many plans that are already laid out quite in detail, and goals that are so clear in front of my eyes, I don’t have to write them down. Some are also a bit repetitive, and some are not to share openly on the internet. 😋

With that being said, now comes the thing that I have been thinking about lately. I have come to the realization that I still suck at dealing with difficult people. Like most people, I think I consider people difficult when they are just gravely different from myself. I always take pride in myself being rather on the open-minded side of the tolerance spectrum, but I guess I have to reconsider.

There’s a notion, or a “code” I might call it, that I have been living by when it comes to accepting others: If someone chooses to do something they’re comfortable with, as long as it does not restrict the freedom of others, they shall do so without being judged for it. In short, I like nice people, no matter how eccentric they seem, but not so much unkind ones. I thought it was a quite good code, until I meet with people who do not fit the code and I can’t just avoid them. I think I do give them the benefit of a doubt at first, or at least I try to understand the reason why they are the way they are. But so often that reason is not one I find convincing! I realize that I do start to judge them; I feel dissatisfied with their behavior, to the point of feeling anger, even more so when I see others hurt by it. And then I simply can’t like them anymore.

And let me tell you that I really do not, do not like to not like people.

Usually I will avoid people like that before I come to dislike them, but that’s not always an option. Come to think of it, I’m not sure avoiding them is even a good solution. On the one hand, I am aware that one can’t just single-handedly change the world, much less (!) other people. On the other hand, ignoring others because of differences sounds quite wrong to me! I’m just thinking, for example, in a political setting, if you ignore other opinions, the whole system will not work. It is quite possible in everyday life, but whether it’s a good thing is another question.

I recently watched a TED Talk by a guy who promotes listening to people one disagrees with. It sounds like a given to me until I realize to what extent he goes with his statement. He, being a scholar of African-American descent, actually sought the conversation with very, very openly racist journalists. His sole motive was to understand their point of view better. He exited the conversations maybe even more convinced of their disagreement, but obviously he also gained some understanding that he found rewarding, or he wouldn’t have kept doing it. I am not sure how to think of it, to be honest. I would also seek a conversation, or discussion, at first, but I am afraid that my patience will run thin really fast. Especially with opinions that just seem plain wrong, or even morally reprehensible to me. So okay, after a conversation, you might understand their position better (without being any abler to condone it), but then what? You can’t change them if they don’t want to be changed, and putting yourself through disagreements again and again is just soooo tiring. Maybe my thinking is very solution-oriented, but I just can’t help it. What’s the point of doing or thinking about anything if not to improve something? (Oh I know some who would disagree. :P)

A suggestion I received from a friend of mine is to focus less on the differences, and start finding some common ground first. It’s actually a really nice approach. I very much agree with her statement that you can find some commonness with everyone, even the person most different from yourself. But I have been trying that, and it’s really much easier said than done. It’s not hard to find something, but just something is often not enough to go on from. It takes a lot of time and effort (from both sides) to discover enough common ground, especially if the differences are so prominent from the beginning on…

So what do you do if the other person is not interested in finding common ground with you? What if the other person does not possess the skills needed for constructive discussions, or the slightest interest in having a conversation at all? For one, you could avoid them. But what if you can’t, or regarding that particular person, you don’t want to? It just comes to me that I have forgotten about the almighty action of all: to love. Oh gosh, it sounds so cheesy, haha. 🙈 But doesn’t love trump all? I know this is also again easier said than done. None of us is Buddha, for heaven’s sake. To give love to someone who is, in one’s eyes, morally reprehensible? To give love to someone who does hurtful things to others?

But what if love is the most powerful thing, if not the only thing, that can actually change someone? Didn’t I positively come to this conclusion last year already?

Well, I think I need to pause here. It was a journey for my mind, too, to process thoughts in real-time with my writing. I might come back to edit this blog entry later. Also I think I need to explore the idea of loving as the solution to overcoming differences, thinking about how to apply it to the few instances I’ve encountered lately. And maybe I have to reassess my judgement, I guess, to see if I have become too self-righteous.

But all that for another time. My dissertation thesis is waiting for me…

Building Walls is Never the Solution

What's up, world?

I just had my last test in med school, excluding the two State Exams coming up this October and November/December next year. It quite is a big deal for German med students; an occasion they celebrate with an excessive night-out drinking. I am surely not your regular med student, at least not anymore. Who else started the last test of their med student life oversleeping for an hour?

I just couldn't sleep last night, and I don't know why. I definitely wasn't too nervous about the test because I knew passing it was a piece of cake. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep a wink until three or four in the morning or so. I was supposed to wake up at seven, but did at 8:30. The test was planned for 7:30 - 9:00 am. So there you go. Within 5 minutes from waking up and realizing I was an hour late, I was at the test location and begged the supervisors to let me take the test, even though more than half of the students were done already. I must have looked so pitiful, because they allowed me to use the last 20 mins. Had I been anyone else, I might have hyperventilated and collapsed in my room and never made it to the test. My hands were shaking so bad when I put my pants on, but I managed to calm myself down and focus on the limited time that was left. I'm pretty proud of myself for how I handled that situation to be honest. Emotions are a shitty thing in situations of the like, and only a cool head is what is needed then. Of course, a lot of luck (both good and bad) were involved that were out of my circle of influence...

Anyway, tonight Gießen will experience another batch of drunk med students celebrating what they call "Scheinfrei", meaning the completion of all their compulsory courses/tests/exams, and thus their permission to take the State Exam, the last hurdle before coming a doc basically. I am not among them. All my friends have gone through that one and two semesters ago, and no one I'm close with actually has time to be my drinking buddy tonight. I will go to Köln and have a night out with Godi, my Lithuanian twin whom I probably won't see again anytime soon. Setting priorities, so to say.

It did take time for me to contemplate about what was the best thing to do tonight. It made me realize why I hate this day, and pretty much every other celebration-worthy day (like my birthday) so much. Maybe I've suppressed it too well before, but now the reason is just so crystal clear in front of my eyes: I hate those days because I am afraid to feel that no one cares. The bigger a deal the occasion is supposed to be, the more I am afraid. Feeling like no one cares hurts so fucking much.

If there's one feeling I shall be accustomed to, then it is the feeling that no one cares. Why? Because I have always been on the move since I was a child. The moment I built relationships that made me feel secure, I moved away. The people who cared couldn't care enough to defeat the distance. The people who were there just don't care enough. (Before I blame it all on my surroundings, I am aware that my commitment issues surely don't help.) Reactively, I built walls as high as the Burj Khalifa to protect myself. The six years in Gießen was the first time I settled down at a place for such a long time, and at some point, I was comfortable, I let my walls down, I actually changed. I didn't even hate birthdays as much anymore. Well, until this year. Until I extended my studies for two semesters and fell behind all my friends. Now there's a distance impossible to defy again for those who care a little, and those who are right there just don't care enough.

That's the reason I don't feel very well lately, I guess. I could be reactive again and build walls around myself, which I am on the brink of doing to be honest, but then again, I have read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and being reactive just isn't how I want to live my life anymore.  I have to do something, I have to change how I handle these things. I can't just sit there and wait for someone who cares enough to come along. I need to be proactive instead of reactive. What exactly that means I need to do, though, I still haven't figured out. Come to think of it, this was what kept me up last night. I was thinking about how I can change my life. Sigh.

Ah, you see, this thing with caring and all, it really is an issue. Because I know how much it sucks to feel the way I feel right now, I try to never make anyone experience it. That's why I invest into people, that's why it is so easy for me to love and care about others even though I just met them. If it comes to human connections, I always live in the moment. But I need to find a way to feel less hurt when I don't receive reciprocation. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends showed up after my last lecture, even though I went to theirs and even brought them champagne. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends ask about how my exams went because no one remembered, even though I don't forget theirs. I need to feel less hurt when I felt like shit and wished for certain close friends just to call and ask how I was, instead of always having to take the initiative. I just have to find a way to feel less hurt, without building walls. But I haven't figured it out. Yet.

I guess that's asking for a couple more nights of insomnia... :)

Someone Give me a Surge of Strength, Please

I never thought that one day, we would be in this situation. I never thought that it could ever happen to me. I really wish I could turn back time to re-do things I wish I had done differently, but then I also think that it's not only my actions that has led to this outcome. It breaks my heart over and over again, every time I think about it.

Some people think one needs to let go, when one loves someone and they don't love back. Others think it is a gift, the act of loving in itself. I don't know what I think. I don't think it is ever going to be easy for me to stop loving once I truly love someone, even though at times, love can be buried by other consuming emotions. But I have to let go eventually, don't I? Because I also don't think that I can live with being constantly hurt...

"Love is not a reason to tolerate disrespect." I just read that quote recently. It's true, isn't it?

[But don't you understand that I find giving up on you just as hard and as hurtful as keeping loving you? Why do you have to put me through this? Whatever I try, it always results in me being heartbroken. I wish you could be different, but oh what do they usually say? Do not try to change others, try to adjust your attitude. But I'm really at my wit's end here...]

Nothing is going well for me in the past two months. Nothing. I hate that last year was so hard towards the end of the year, and this year it is just the same. I won't break down, but it is about goddamn time that something good happens to me again.

My Family

To me, my family has not always been my favorite people in the world. As applied to a lot of teenagers, my life revolves around friends for quite a few years of my puberty. It was only until the end of puberty, when, partly due to repeated school transfers, my friendships all more or less faded that I realized the only consistence part of my life are my parents, my brother and my sister. And I quite liked that consistence.

When I say that this consistence compromises of unconditional love, protection, care, guidance, and just simply being-there, I mainly mean my parents, of course. For my siblings, it's rather the other way around. I try my best to give them the same things I receive during all my life. In return, they usually give me love and strength, often unconsciously, but since they are still kids, that's all I'm asking for. 

Now my family has always been there for me when I needed them, provided that I let them in, of course. No matter what bullshit I do or say, it was always forgiven because of one simple power: love. It may sound pretty cheesy and clichéd, but there really isn't a more appropriate description I can give. The responsible person in me tries to give back the same treatment to my family, but the heart, of course, does it just out of love (my feelings really like to reciprocate other's positive feelings to me quite easily).

Anyway, my point being: my life is great right now in Prague, but my family is in trouble, and I have to be there for them.

My parents are extremely busy and stressed with work, coupled with construction and renovation work in our house. My brother is a (probably depressed) computer addict and is about to quit school in favor of locking himself up in his room and playing games. My sister is having an exhausting time finding friends at her new school and has lost all the fun and motivation to learn. 

Yes, just how more fcked up can the situation be? 

I find it so hard to go out to have a drink with friends when at home, my brother runs out at 1 in the morning because my dad turned off the internet connection. I can't properly be in a party mood when at home, my sister cries because on that day in class, she was the only one left alone when they were asked to make groups of two. And how am I supposed to be happy when I know that my parents, one of the people I love the most, are stressed out and sad? 

By now I have succumbed to the fact that there's only a limited list of things I can do. To my brother, I cannot reach out. Not anymore. For my parents, I can support them by words, and sometimes just by my presence as I do try to visit home often, and on that chance, help them do the mundane things that need to be done, like cleaning the house. With my sister, I'm studying together now, explaining and helping her with anything she doesn't understand, and give her tips on how to get more friends. 

I have realized that in order to do all that, I have to have happy moments for my own sake. I have to get energy and strength from other sources, when the main source I have received in from up until now is in trouble and cannot provide it as before. If I'm always thinking about how forlorn the situation at home is right now, I myself will get depressed, too. That's why now I'm trying to go out with friends, I'm trying to be in a good mood at parties, I'm trying to keep enjoying Prague, this beautiful city. I have to be ready to take on whatever is waiting for me at home.

It's just sometimes, I find it very hard to switch. A surge of guilt always clouds my mind when I come home from happy Prague, and one night is always the least it takes for me to push back the depressive feelings of my family's problems. I just came back to Prague yesterday night, hence this chunk of text. It helps me switch more easily, I guess, or hope. 

However hard it might be, I'm positive we will make it. I just hope it's doesn't take too long...

To the Guy I Still Love the Most

You're the one going thourgh puberty, you're the one who's doing a huge deal of going through shit and growing up, but here I am feeling as if I'm going through not less shit than you, and I'm having not less of a growing-up experience than you.

Is it a guy's thing, really? Not speaking about feelings, not saying anything about what you think, what makes you happy, what makes you sad? I've always had trouble accepting silence of the people who are dear to me, because I just can't understand it. If something bothers you, why in the freaking world wouldn't you tell it to the people you trust the most? Why? I just don't get it. 

There was a time I was very, very convinced that there's something wrong with your head, or heart, or both. How can a person live and be so indifferent about everything and everyone? When you used to open up more to me, you told me that you don't feel the need of having a best friend, or a close friend, for that matter. It's enough to have some friends who share the same hobbies and habits, and to meet up with them from time to time. I told you that just to "meet up from time to time" won't give you the people you can count on later in life, because every relationship needs continuous nourishing, be it partnerships, friendships, or even family. (I still don't believe in that kind of friendship where you "never talk to each other for years" but then are BFFs all of a sudden when you meet again). You were unimpressed with my words back then. 

I could see that you didn't have the best of friends around you in school. You're more of a nerd, you like computer games, you have some real-life friends from soccer, but more random online friends from your games. I, more than anyone, should know to appreciate relationships forming and developing online, because I've been through it, I told you. Most of my friends in Vietnam wouldn't be my bestest friends now, hadn't there been this thing called the Internet. But online relationships should never be worth of sacrificing real life relationships, this I've also told you. When you get mobbed online, it's easier to turn off the computer than when you get mobbed in real life. When you get hurt in real life, online people can only send you the best of wishes, but it's the real-life people that can actually help you. It's important to balance the two, but never in favor of online relationships...

I know you're probably a bit eccentric, as you tend to have really deep thoughts sometimes, mostly about random philosophy stuff, but the most simple things in life, you don't want to give a thought about it. Your Philosophy/Ethics teacher is fascinated by your attritubtion to her classes, while at home, I'm just throwing my hands in defeat wondering why you wouldn't care one bit about how the things you do would affect the people who love you the most.

I only wish that you would think more about the people around you instead of thinking about some far-away people or far-fetched topics. Our mother showed me a sheet of paper she accidentally found in your room the other day. You scribbled some thoughts you never told any of us on that paper, and reading that was making me quite emotional. It was then that I realize you used to (or still, I don't know, I'm not sure) think about your relationships with friends at school, about school, about your goals, about girlfriends even (and here I thought you always liked computer games too much to care). It's like a completely different you; a person I would rather deem mentally healthy than that boy I see now at home. I don't know if now, you're still the same, as in you appear to be indifferent but when you're on your own, you still think about the necessary things. But one thing I know for sure is that even if you're not completely indifferent, you still don't give life around you enough thought. 

And the one thing I can hardly ever accept is the punishing silence you give your family members whenever you're in a bad mood. Before, when you used to have trouble just expressing yourself, it was something else. But now, you just don't want to talk. It makes me feel like I'm not worth talking to, my questions are not worth an answer, my disappointments not worth an explanation. It's the highest form of disrespect anybody, not just you, can give me, really. You're not the first person who acts like a jerk like that. Just know that to me, it pretty much translates into, "I'm not giving a fck about my relationship with you." And why, then, should I give a fck in return?

Unless I can't help it, of course. When the jerk is, I don't know, my brother, for example.

I'm a bit stuck here, really. I just want my brother back. The one I used to play soccer with, the one I can non-stop talk about martial arts movies or Detective Conan to, the one I bicker with about whether English or French is the better language, the one who listened with great interest whenever I explain anything science-related. The one I spent most of my childhood with, basically.

Now that one just doesn't listen or talk to me anymore...

Just tell me, what can I do to have my brother back, really?

I Think I'm Going to Implode

1. I'm feeling not so good these days. I can't really pinpoint the exact reason, though I have my suspicions, but yeah, bottom line is: I am stressed, like all the time.

2. I think everyone should have it written on their foreheads whether they're taken, they're single and not looking, or single and currently looking. It makes the world much easier.

3. Aligning with that, I'm wondering what could go wrong if people just be bold and direct and ask for each other's numbers when there's interest. It doesn't even have to mean love interest. You may find someone attractive, or just cool, just nice, and you just want to hang, so what's wrong with asking for their number? Argh, I hate society's preprogrammed perception of certain actions and I hate even more that I fcking care what society thinks!

4. One thought keeps popping up in my mind these days: rather be the jerk who dumps someone, than be the one who gets dumped. If thinking rationally, I'm convinced I'm such an ass for just having that thought.

5. I have no time for shit. I want to have me time, but then again, I don't want to be alone. Most of the time, I'm surrounded by people but I feel lonely as fck.

6. I love my family, but my family needs to stop throwing problems at me. At this very moment, I already have enough to struggle with.

7. I love medicine.

8. I love internistic medicine. I think I might just have dropped the desire to follow Neonatology. Sorry to say but my profs in Peds kinda ruined all the love I had for this specialization before...

9. I want to focus on work and shove away all the negative feelings again. But I can't fcking concentrate on work, because I keep scheduling myself to meet up with people. Usually I feel good, nowadays I just feel fcking lonely in the company of my best friends. What the fck, really?!

10. I need a break from life. Shit.

11. Problem-solving approach: Take off. Me-time for a whole day. Up until now, I think I was too afraid of feeling lonely and empty when alone. But maybe, quality me-time is exactly what I need.

12. Need to figure out what my actual problem is. Thereby, me-time. Go back to 11.

Thank heavens that I have this place to vent out all my incoherent thoughts. I'm about to implode, really. Is this what fcking burnout feels like, yeah? I just want to sleep for two days and shut out the whole world....

One Heck of a Story - And it Really Happened to me

Fck you life, for just having to punch me in the face one more time before the year ends. (It better stays at ONE more time.)

Yesterday, a friend of mine celebrated her birthday and we went to the Christmas market in the city center. When we arrived at the market, I went to lock my bike to a place about three meters away from where my friends were waiting for me. Out of habit, I put my bag on the basket of my bike and proceeded to fish my keys out. That's when a stranger approached me from the front and started to ask for directions in a somewhat broken German. I talked to him for about fifteen seconds, turned around, and my bag was gone.

It happened so fast.

My 2014 so far...

Time really does fly. We're already half past the second month of 2014 while it felt like just two weeks to me. Well what can I say? Life goes on and it waits for no one.

I finally found a dissertation thesis to work on. My employer will be the director of the neuropathology institute. I'll be researching about brain tumors, isn't that the shit? I don't know about other people but that topic fascinates me so much, I can't believe I really got the job and will start working there in summer. I'm not dreaming about revolutionarily finding a new therapy concept for brain tumors - no, just the thought of "getting involved in the scene", learning more about it and maybe, just a little bit, contributing to some scientific epiphany of my supervisor (who I hope will be the revolutionary one) sounds exciting enough to me. I'm still super motivated even for lab work, so I hope it won't turn out to be as bad as the stories everyone tells to warn me beforehand. 

It's like studying medicine - everybody says it's hard but I'm having so much fun with it that the 'hard' part doesn't even really occur to me. Of course I have my up and downs, but not ever did I regret, not even for a second, that I have made the decision of taking up med school. So if lab work can provide me just as much fun, I believe I won't be discouraged so quickly as people are afraid of. (Even though knowing my patience span, I do have to worry a little bit. But we will see, the answers will come in summer when I really start working.)

Apropos summer, my grandparents are coming to Germany for three months, starting in May and they'll be staying till August. Even if I probably won't see them much, I still can't wait for it. It will be an awesome time for them and my family.

On another quite positive note, I have started and currently am keeping up with a steer of my lifestyle into the healthy department. I'm eating a lot healthier, I pay attention to squeeze in excercising time between school and other life duties, I sleep more, etc. The hardest part is of course planning healthy meals since I'm just a natural food lover, and food includes junk food. But the upside of loving food is also that I love every kind of food, which means I get satisfied with healthy food, too. Having cheat days for junk food makes junk food even better, though the past week I have allowed myself a little too many of them. We'll see how well I can manage the food thing when I'll be home at my mom's for the whole next month... :-s

Well, so that's that. Two of my 2014 resolutions are being handled quite well. But coming to the less exciting stuff... I'm still feeling so stuck with myself. Stuck and caged in my own world. Most of the time I want to be alone now. But then not really. I'm having a phase of not wanting people - or just the few I'm always around lately - around me. It's definitely nothing personal against them, hell no, it's all just me. The other day, I read somewhere that people who moved a lot in the past tend to have deep-rooted commitment issues. I really wonder if that's exactly what is happening to me. 

Having to say goodbye too often, I may have developed it into a habit or worse, an essential part of my life. How long have I stayed in Giessen? This is the third year. How long have I seen the same people, done the same stuff over and over again? Already two years. That's my rhythm exactly. Since I was seven, that is the exact time span I stay at one place before moving to another. And shit do I feel caged now that change isn't happening to me. 

Gosh, this sounds so unfair to the people who befriended me for the past two years. I'm such a jerk. I appreciate all of them, of course, but I can't help but to feel caged. If I had a choice, I would chose to be normal and be content with the things I get. Because damn, all my relationships here are great ones! But no, I have to feel caged, I have to want to break free, I have to destroy it all for no valid reason. I kind of have given up on the idea of having a best friend, something I used to long for, because well, I'm not material for any kind of long-lasting relationship. People call this phenomenon emotional crippledness. 

Some change is going to happen to me soon, though. I have decided to take one semester off for my dissertation. This will shift my studying environment quite a bit. This is the best solution I can come up with, and it comes in handy for other things like having time to apply for scholarships and stuff, too. To solve a problem, either change yourself or influence your surroundings. Changing myself is the only way to solve the roots, but that's so much harder and isn't going to happen anytime soon. Mainly because I just don't know how... 

But hey, the bright side of changing my environment is that having a little distance always betters my relationships. It has applied to every single one of my personal bonds with people. Even with my family. I have always been quite close to my parents, but ever since me living far away, we've had the best relationship ever. 

I also hope that once I feel less stuck, I will turn back into the nice, kind, friendly, helpful, non-judging version of myself. Now I'm mainly just grumpy to people and at the end of the day, when I look at myself, I just think, "man, I acted exactly like the type of person I used to strongly dislike." Yep, that's me the past few weeks.  

Admitting it here and now is the very first step to stopping it. I will try and be less of a jerk, I promise. Because I'm actuall a really nice person, I swear. T_T 

So hey 2014, don't run so fast. I still have to work on a lot of stuff, okay?

Bạn với chả bè

Thế là mình đã đi học lại được hai tuần rồi đây. Chắc chắn những gì mình đã trải qua trong hai tuần vừa rồi không nằm trong mong đợi của mình, theo cả hai nghĩa tiêu cực và tích cực. Nói thế này thì sự tình nghe có vẻ nghiêm trọng quá, nhưng mình đang viết bài blog này trong tình trạng "feeling blue", so...

Nổi bật trong chuyện học hành là việc mình lại trở nên rất bận rộn, hoàn toàn đối lập với những "dự báo" của các anh chị đã từng trải sem 5. Cái này thì mình cũng chưa biết là mình nên đánh giá tiêu cực hay tích cực. Mình vốn thích bận rộn một chút mà, vì đối với mình cái cảm giác "being productive" hay hơn việc nằm ườn lười biếng cả ngày rất nhiều, nhưng sự bận rộn trong 2 tuần vừa qua thì... nói chung là nó đang tiến rất gần đến stress. Mà stress thì không bao giờ tốt cả. 

Chắc tuần tới mình phải bỏ đi nghe giảng mấy môn thôi. Như môn Nội chẳng hạn, mình đã rất hí hửng chờ đợi môn này nhưng mà đến nay thì mới có đúng một giáo sư mình thấy thực sự giảng hay. Môn patho thì ông giáo sư dạy hay (lại đẹp trai trông như Derek Shepherd) chỉ dạy hai tuần đầu thôi huhu T_T Môn vi sinh thì tạm được. Chẹp. 

Thêm vào đấy thì mình lại nổi hứng đăng ký hai lớp bồi dưỡng: lớp bồi dưỡng Nhi và lớp bồi dưỡng Global Health. Cả hai lớp đều rất hay nhưng vấn đề là giời ơi sức mình cũng chỉ có hạn. Chỉ việc phải lo mấy cái application thôi mà mình đã thấy mệt rồi. Thế này thì sức đâu mà tìm thêm cả chỗ để làm tiến sĩ nữa? :( Vậy nên chắc nếu mình được nhận vào cả 2 lớp thì mình cũng chỉ chọn 1 thôi. Nhưng mà thôi, chưa biết có được nhận vào lớp nào không ấy chứ mà ngồi đây nghĩ nên chọn cái nào. :-< 

Đấy là vụ học hành, nghe chán vậy thôi chứ thật ra mọi việc cũng chưa đến mức quá nghiêm trọng. Thứ làm tâm trạng mình vui buồn thay đổi xoành xoạch là các mối quan hệ. Dĩ nhiên là mình không để những chuyện đấy ảnh hưởng đến học tập bao giờ, mình vốn vẫn lý trí đủ cho việc đấy, nhưng mà nếu trong ng mình cảm thấy vui vẻ hạnh phúc thì dĩ nhiên sức chịu đựng những áp lực trong công việc sẽ cao hơn. Cái này mình có thể giải thích một cách khoa học, chẹp, nó liên quan đến các hóc-môn trong cơ thể. :> Trong tình trạng "chán" thì mình chỉ giải quyết được công việc ở mức "tốt" tối thiểu thôi, mình cũng không phải cái máy vô cảm xúc mà. Haiz. 

Nên bắt đầu bằng cái gì trước đây nhỉ. Những chuyện vui chăng? Mình đã lại xây dựng được thêm rất, rất nhiều mối quan hệ mới, không chỉ với bạn bè mà cả với những giáo sư, những "ng trên", hehe :) Nói chung là tốt. Nhưng mà thay vào đấy một số mối quan hệ rất tốt từ trước, chủ yếu là với bạn bè, lại trở nên xấu đi... 

Những người đối với mình không chỉ là "một mối quan hệ tốt", mà trong hai năm học qua đã trở nên quan trọng thì giờ lại quá hờ hững. Cái nhóm của mình đã tan rã, irreversible, mình đã hiểu điều ấy cách đây vài tháng rồi. Nhưng việc mỗi thành viên trong nhóm đi tìm một "nhóm mới" cho bản thân rồi hờ hững với nhau theo đúng kiểu "có mới nới cũ" thì khiến mình thực sự... buồn. Mẹ nói đấy chỉ là mấy đứa không "dính nhau" nữa thôi, và xét cho cùng thì đấy là một việc tốt, nhưng mà mình thấy nó không quá đơn giản vậy. Không dính nhau và hờ hững với nhau là hai thứ khác nhau. Không dính nhau đâu có nghĩa là gặp nhau không chào, đâu có nghĩa là nếu chào cũng không dừng lại bắt chuyện một chút, đâu có nghĩa là cả tháng rồi không gặp nhau cũng không tỏ ra là muốn quan tâm, nghe chuyện người kia dạo này ra sao. Từ những đứa bạn thân nhất, mình và một vài đứa đã trở nên bạn bè ở mức kém hơn cả những mối quan hệ mới. Vậy là sao?

Chắc mình cũng không hoàn toàn vô tội trong chuyện này. Nhưng bây giờ mình phải làm sao để thay đổi tình hình thì mình cũng không biết. Chẳng lẽ đây là cái giá phải trả cho việc mở rộng mối quan hệ sao? Nếu có nhiều bạn thì không nuôi dưỡng được những tình bạn thân à? Đâu phải. Hồi xưa mọi thứ đâu có khó vậy. 

Mình nhớ chị Sina quá, hic T_T. Chị ấy đi du lịch châu Phi cuối tuần này mới về. Có chị ấy ở đây thì mình đã có người để xả rồi. Chị Saskia và anh Basti là hai ng duy nhất còn sót lại trong nhóm. Có lẽ mình cũng không nên đòi hỏi nhiều hơn... 

Còn một người nữa. Cái anh này thật sự đã ghét mình rồi. Chẹp, mình cũng không biết phải làm sao đây. Từ một tình bạn thân mà sau một chuyện, anh ấy đã coi mình như kẻ thù. Nói thật thì sau buổi nói chuyện cuối cùng giữa hai đứa, mình đủ hiểu anh ấy để biết là anh ấy chắc sẽ ghét mình hết cuộc đời của anh ấy. Nhưng hôm qua nghe anh Oli nói là anh ấy vẫn liên tục phải "xả" cái tức về mình, và trong những buổi gặp gỡ nhau rất hiếm của nhóm cũ, anh ấy sẽ không đến nếu mình tham gia để tránh mặt mình thì mình thực sự bực. Không có gì bất ngờ, mình lẽ ra đã biết trước, nhưng bực thì vẫn bực. I get upset because I still care, of course. Mình đâu có ghét anh ấy. Nhưng càng ngày thì mình lại càng thấy mình phải không care tí nào thì mới ổn, vì anh này đúng là một "hopeless case" rồi. Nhưng mà tình cảm thì đâu có bảo ngắt là nó ngắt ngay được đâu. Haiz, bực mình. 

Thôi, tạm xả vậy thôi. Thời gian của mình chỉ có hạn. Mình sẽ ích kỷ đủ để chỉ cố gắng cứu vớt những mối quan hệ nếu đối phương cũng cố gắng thôi. Thế là hết sức rồi. Và khi đã cố hết sức thì không có gì phải nuối tiếc mà, phải không?

 

Mệt

So với hồi xưa thì bây giờ chắc mình đỡ bồng bột hơn nhiều, nhưng cái bản tính dễ cáu dễ bực thì vẫn đấy, mà khi bực mình lên thì lời ăn tiếng nói sẽ khó đáp ứng được đủ hai yếu tố khéo léo và tế nhị. Nhiều người thích cái tính thẳng thắn của mình, ừ công nhận nó hay, mình cũng thích nó, nhưng mà nếu thẳng thắn không đúng cách thì sẽ đem đến nhiều thiệt hơn là lợi. Thẳng thắn mà còn kết hợp với dễ bực nữa thì lại càng nguy hiểm, haiz.

Thẳng thắn là tốt, nhưng thẳng thắn chọn lọc mới là khôn. Mình mới tốt thôi, chưa khôn.

Lần cuối cùng mình cãi nhau với một đứa bạn để rồi khi ra về hai đứa đều 'không quý nhau cho lắm' là khi nào nhỉ? Lâu lắm lắm rồi...

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Có lẽ đây là lần đầu tiên cái 'chết' tiến đến gần mình như vậy. Trước giờ mình vẫn biết đến sự tồn tại của nó, nhưng nó vẫn luôn là một cái gì đó xa vời, mình nói mình hiểu được nhưng thật ra là không. Cách đây hai tuần mình mới thật sự phải nếm mùi vị của sự sợ hãi về những mất mát đi kèm theo cái 'kết thúc của mọi sự kết thúc' ấy. Nó làm mình một lần nữa nhận ra: Life doesn't wait for anyone.

Mỗi người đúng chỉ sống có một lần...

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Học, học và học.

Tất cả những chuyện khác không nên khiến mình phải bận tâm nữa. Đây thực sự nên là bài viết cuối cùng dành cho việc 'xả' cho đến khi mình thi xong, nghĩa là tháng 9.

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One last note, as usual in English so that I can get it done with faster:

Stupid self, stop trying to be there for everyone. It drained you once, remember? How about giving off more 'I need a shoulder' vibes and less 'You can have my shoulder' ones?

I always am selfless and selfish in the wrong things...

Shutting up now, for real.

'Birthday' and 'Happy' Once Again Came True Together

So… here's the thing: I'm 20 now.

I hate being old, that's all I want to say. But I guess I'm not in the position to use the word 'old' in connection with myself or else I'd be dissing my friends again. :P Yeah, I do hang with a lot of older peeps.

Anyways, I've always thought birthdays are way too overrated. To me, it just marks the day you have to put another number in the 'Age' blank in official forms. A birthday is only special to me as long as the people who care about me make it so.  

But because the world pressures me (and because of a few other reasons), I've always had to celebrate April 29^th. With celebrating comes the stress of preparing because:

a)      I'm not your hobby party-thrower.

b)      I'm a freaking perfectionist in a lot (not all, but a lot) of things.

So yeah, birthdays also mean a lot of stress to me. The stress has added up over the years and now I've kind of grown to… dislike my own birthday. I know, I'm very much one of a kind.

Anyways, the reason for this post today is actually this confession I need to make: I really enjoyed my birthday this year.

Hallelujah! You heard it right.

On April 28^th I went to bed at nearly 11pm because I've got an early class the next morning. I hit the sack without the slightest feeling of excitement and honestly, I don't even remember if it crossed my mind that moment before going to sleep that my birthday was around the corner.

The next morning I woke up with a bunch of texts and facebook notifications that, of course, put a huge smile on my face. But then I picked up my morning routine like any other day. The moment I exited the house, however, I noticed a strange blue balloon that was stuck in between the mosquito net of my window and the window itself. I thought the kids from yesterday played a prank on me and, with my typically disapproving head-shaking gesture, I removed the balloon from the window. It wasn't until then that I actually realized the balloon was just a blown-up rubber glove, the kind we use in hospitals and in our anatomy dissecting classes.

Strange, I thought.

Then I went to get my bike, on the way passing Rondo, my new scooter. And there it was, another blue glove balloon tied to Rondo! A face was painted on this one with a celebratory message written on the backside, and I instantly knew who the real culprit was. My boys. :x There was no doubt when I finally saw their names at the end of the message.

It turned out that three of my uni friends went to my house before midnight with the intention of celebrating the very first seconds of my twenties together with me. But when they were there, they realized I was already in bed so that other silly idea with the balloons came up. Toooooo cute. :3 I already felt really bad for them and they just had to make it worse by telling me that they wanted to wake me but in the end were too afraid of losing some body parts if I woke up and got pissed at them. I'm not that scary, come on. T_T

Another surprise my friends had for me was a chocolate muffin (they made it very clear that they don't support my chocolate rehab T_T) and that bottle of champagne they brought to uni. So at 9 in the morning, we all killed a whole champagne bottle (with lots of loud cheers and singing and a very, very embarrassed yet grateful me), then we continued going to class in the style of' like a boss'. What can I say? YOLO it is, people.

I also had some 'me'-time in the afternoon until I finally rounded up the day with a nice dinner with the gang. It was perfect, really. No stress, no pissed-off, a lot of fun and laughter, just enough me-time and the feeling of self-importance.

I really, really am grateful to my uni gang. I love them to bits. We talked about working all together in one hospital later, a very unrealistic dream we are aware, but just the thought of it was enough to make me smile on the inside. How much fun it would be, right guys? I do believe they're very fast becoming one of the people who understand me the best, knowing so many aspect of what makes me 'me'. (To get to my deepest secrets is a very long way to go, but still… :P Good things come to those who wait~)

There's a reason I can't do long-distance relationships. So I've just gotta appreciate all the bonds I have now, even if my 'now' is far from perfect. As long as I still have those who care about me on my side, it is the most perfect I would want my life to ever become.

I suck at expressing my feelings face-to-face. But one day, when the mood is right, I'll get cheesy and tell you guys just how much you all mean to me. :)

Unorganized update of things on my mind

I kinda feel like shit right now. These past few days have been anything but easy for everyone, a crass rollercoaster of emotions I dare say. There are a few things that I have learnt from the issues, a few things I got reminded about again, a few things that are still bothering me and a few things I realized I need to analyze and think about.

I'm so confuzzled, I don't make any sense

I don't know what to say.

Love is the thing that fucks up friendship. And considering which one of the two usually lasts longer, I don't think it's worth it.

Yeah. I seriously hate how yesterday we were all happily hanging out, and today, nothing's the same anymore.

And once again, I realize just how much of a rational mind I have. I have improved over the last couple of years but still, I don't think I can ever turn into someone who listens more to the heart than the head. 

That's why I don't fuck up anybody's business. I only fuck up mine.

Friendship

This weekend I spontanously decided to visit my parents and somehow, I ended up going through my 'friends-cupboard' again. My very own 'friends-cupboard' is the place where I store all the letters, messages and gifts I've received from my friends over the past ten years or so. It's a very extensive collection, and all the more precious to me.

Another night where I can't concentrate on anything

Can I give myself permission to use English this time? It's always been the one and only language I feel most comfortable to express myself in... Don't ask me why.