Can I give myself permission to use English this time? It's always been the one and only language I feel most comfortable to express myself in... Don't ask me why.
So... the reason for this blog entry is Piggy's depature tomorrow. She's gonna move to the US to take up college there. It's always been her dream to study abroad since she hates being stuck in her parents' house so much. Well... she used to be one of the closest friends of mine. Clearly we are not as close anymore, which is one of the reasons I'm getting a little emotional today *sniff sniff*. She's been through quite a stressful time doing all the packing and stuff, and honestly I don't know if she would have needed a few words of encouragement during that time. I've been way too busy with uni until Christmas break, but even then I was too busy with my own stuff to actually care much about her. She did message me once to ask what amoxicillin was (as if I was already a qualified doctor...), and I did answer her, but then it just... died down between us. Now I know that tomorrow she's leaving, I suddenly feel sad even though it wouldn't make any difference to me. She'd be far away from me either way. But I know she's sad about leaving everyone (especially her friends) behind (which, hello, doesn't include me coz obviously everyone in VN has gotten used to not having me around). But still, my point is, she's leaving and she's sad and I'm just sitting here giving her a few last-minute consoling on Facebook. Can't do nothing more.
It's not the first time I've realized that some of my relationships with people who are actually dear to me are dying. But it's only now that I'm sitting here and be like... "Uhh, isn't that sad?" I've found great friends here in Gießen. I've grown fond of all of them. Our clique, THE LERNGRUPPE, is what makes Gießen the place I don't really want to leave. But still, old friendships - those that were once the main focus of my life (next to studying of course; I mean, duh, I'm a nerd!) - do elicit a regretful kind of feeling now that I've realized they're not the same anymore.
I don't know. At some point I've turned into this family-over-friends person. When I was still too young to think straight, friends were the most importing thing. Then in the middle of puberty, it was impossible to decide. And now it's just too clear to me that I wouldn't give up my family for anything. But this nostalgic feeling would just not let me be...
I just have a lot, a lot of love to give, but my giant problem is I can't give it to anyone consistently. Sometimes I would just... neglect them, and usually that ends up with me losing the close bond we share. Regretting is the end result. That's what I mean with "I always push away the people I love." And obviously the only people who love me enough, the only people who would put up with my shitty behavior are my parents and siblings. This kinda explains why I have learned to treasure my family over everything else now. But sometimes, I just wish a friend to stand up and like scream into my face, "If you don't want to lose me, then stop being a jerk right now and come here give me a hug." I... I would want to hear that.
I know. I'm complicated, and that in such a stupid way.
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