Overcoming Differences

Well here I am again. This time saying hello from the land far to the east (again) called China. Well, from the East Coast, or from Shanghai to be more precise. China is kinda big.

This is actually the first year I haven’t written a New-Year-Blogpost… What happened?! Well there’s a first to everything, I say. Change is inevitable, and keeping up a tradition takes more effort than one would think. But some things do not change so easily, like me being in Asia again (😅), or me coming back to this blog when I want to get something off my chest.

Before I get to the matter that led me here in the first place, I would like to say that it’s not like I don’t have any resolution for this year. It’s rather that I have too many plans that are already laid out quite in detail, and goals that are so clear in front of my eyes, I don’t have to write them down. Some are also a bit repetitive, and some are not to share openly on the internet. 😋

With that being said, now comes the thing that I have been thinking about lately. I have come to the realization that I still suck at dealing with difficult people. Like most people, I think I consider people difficult when they are just gravely different from myself. I always take pride in myself being rather on the open-minded side of the tolerance spectrum, but I guess I have to reconsider.

There’s a notion, or a “code” I might call it, that I have been living by when it comes to accepting others: If someone chooses to do something they’re comfortable with, as long as it does not restrict the freedom of others, they shall do so without being judged for it. In short, I like nice people, no matter how eccentric they seem, but not so much unkind ones. I thought it was a quite good code, until I meet with people who do not fit the code and I can’t just avoid them. I think I do give them the benefit of a doubt at first, or at least I try to understand the reason why they are the way they are. But so often that reason is not one I find convincing! I realize that I do start to judge them; I feel dissatisfied with their behavior, to the point of feeling anger, even more so when I see others hurt by it. And then I simply can’t like them anymore.

And let me tell you that I really do not, do not like to not like people.

Usually I will avoid people like that before I come to dislike them, but that’s not always an option. Come to think of it, I’m not sure avoiding them is even a good solution. On the one hand, I am aware that one can’t just single-handedly change the world, much less (!) other people. On the other hand, ignoring others because of differences sounds quite wrong to me! I’m just thinking, for example, in a political setting, if you ignore other opinions, the whole system will not work. It is quite possible in everyday life, but whether it’s a good thing is another question.

I recently watched a TED Talk by a guy who promotes listening to people one disagrees with. It sounds like a given to me until I realize to what extent he goes with his statement. He, being a scholar of African-American descent, actually sought the conversation with very, very openly racist journalists. His sole motive was to understand their point of view better. He exited the conversations maybe even more convinced of their disagreement, but obviously he also gained some understanding that he found rewarding, or he wouldn’t have kept doing it. I am not sure how to think of it, to be honest. I would also seek a conversation, or discussion, at first, but I am afraid that my patience will run thin really fast. Especially with opinions that just seem plain wrong, or even morally reprehensible to me. So okay, after a conversation, you might understand their position better (without being any abler to condone it), but then what? You can’t change them if they don’t want to be changed, and putting yourself through disagreements again and again is just soooo tiring. Maybe my thinking is very solution-oriented, but I just can’t help it. What’s the point of doing or thinking about anything if not to improve something? (Oh I know some who would disagree. :P)

A suggestion I received from a friend of mine is to focus less on the differences, and start finding some common ground first. It’s actually a really nice approach. I very much agree with her statement that you can find some commonness with everyone, even the person most different from yourself. But I have been trying that, and it’s really much easier said than done. It’s not hard to find something, but just something is often not enough to go on from. It takes a lot of time and effort (from both sides) to discover enough common ground, especially if the differences are so prominent from the beginning on…

So what do you do if the other person is not interested in finding common ground with you? What if the other person does not possess the skills needed for constructive discussions, or the slightest interest in having a conversation at all? For one, you could avoid them. But what if you can’t, or regarding that particular person, you don’t want to? It just comes to me that I have forgotten about the almighty action of all: to love. Oh gosh, it sounds so cheesy, haha. 🙈 But doesn’t love trump all? I know this is also again easier said than done. None of us is Buddha, for heaven’s sake. To give love to someone who is, in one’s eyes, morally reprehensible? To give love to someone who does hurtful things to others?

But what if love is the most powerful thing, if not the only thing, that can actually change someone? Didn’t I positively come to this conclusion last year already?

Well, I think I need to pause here. It was a journey for my mind, too, to process thoughts in real-time with my writing. I might come back to edit this blog entry later. Also I think I need to explore the idea of loving as the solution to overcoming differences, thinking about how to apply it to the few instances I’ve encountered lately. And maybe I have to reassess my judgement, I guess, to see if I have become too self-righteous.

But all that for another time. My dissertation thesis is waiting for me…

Building Walls is Never the Solution

What's up, world?

I just had my last test in med school, excluding the two State Exams coming up this October and November/December next year. It quite is a big deal for German med students; an occasion they celebrate with an excessive night-out drinking. I am surely not your regular med student, at least not anymore. Who else started the last test of their med student life oversleeping for an hour?

I just couldn't sleep last night, and I don't know why. I definitely wasn't too nervous about the test because I knew passing it was a piece of cake. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep a wink until three or four in the morning or so. I was supposed to wake up at seven, but did at 8:30. The test was planned for 7:30 - 9:00 am. So there you go. Within 5 minutes from waking up and realizing I was an hour late, I was at the test location and begged the supervisors to let me take the test, even though more than half of the students were done already. I must have looked so pitiful, because they allowed me to use the last 20 mins. Had I been anyone else, I might have hyperventilated and collapsed in my room and never made it to the test. My hands were shaking so bad when I put my pants on, but I managed to calm myself down and focus on the limited time that was left. I'm pretty proud of myself for how I handled that situation to be honest. Emotions are a shitty thing in situations of the like, and only a cool head is what is needed then. Of course, a lot of luck (both good and bad) were involved that were out of my circle of influence...

Anyway, tonight Gießen will experience another batch of drunk med students celebrating what they call "Scheinfrei", meaning the completion of all their compulsory courses/tests/exams, and thus their permission to take the State Exam, the last hurdle before coming a doc basically. I am not among them. All my friends have gone through that one and two semesters ago, and no one I'm close with actually has time to be my drinking buddy tonight. I will go to Köln and have a night out with Godi, my Lithuanian twin whom I probably won't see again anytime soon. Setting priorities, so to say.

It did take time for me to contemplate about what was the best thing to do tonight. It made me realize why I hate this day, and pretty much every other celebration-worthy day (like my birthday) so much. Maybe I've suppressed it too well before, but now the reason is just so crystal clear in front of my eyes: I hate those days because I am afraid to feel that no one cares. The bigger a deal the occasion is supposed to be, the more I am afraid. Feeling like no one cares hurts so fucking much.

If there's one feeling I shall be accustomed to, then it is the feeling that no one cares. Why? Because I have always been on the move since I was a child. The moment I built relationships that made me feel secure, I moved away. The people who cared couldn't care enough to defeat the distance. The people who were there just don't care enough. (Before I blame it all on my surroundings, I am aware that my commitment issues surely don't help.) Reactively, I built walls as high as the Burj Khalifa to protect myself. The six years in Gießen was the first time I settled down at a place for such a long time, and at some point, I was comfortable, I let my walls down, I actually changed. I didn't even hate birthdays as much anymore. Well, until this year. Until I extended my studies for two semesters and fell behind all my friends. Now there's a distance impossible to defy again for those who care a little, and those who are right there just don't care enough.

That's the reason I don't feel very well lately, I guess. I could be reactive again and build walls around myself, which I am on the brink of doing to be honest, but then again, I have read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and being reactive just isn't how I want to live my life anymore.  I have to do something, I have to change how I handle these things. I can't just sit there and wait for someone who cares enough to come along. I need to be proactive instead of reactive. What exactly that means I need to do, though, I still haven't figured out. Come to think of it, this was what kept me up last night. I was thinking about how I can change my life. Sigh.

Ah, you see, this thing with caring and all, it really is an issue. Because I know how much it sucks to feel the way I feel right now, I try to never make anyone experience it. That's why I invest into people, that's why it is so easy for me to love and care about others even though I just met them. If it comes to human connections, I always live in the moment. But I need to find a way to feel less hurt when I don't receive reciprocation. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends showed up after my last lecture, even though I went to theirs and even brought them champagne. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends ask about how my exams went because no one remembered, even though I don't forget theirs. I need to feel less hurt when I felt like shit and wished for certain close friends just to call and ask how I was, instead of always having to take the initiative. I just have to find a way to feel less hurt, without building walls. But I haven't figured it out. Yet.

I guess that's asking for a couple more nights of insomnia... :)

Insomniac Thoughts on Thinking and Listening

Hello~

This is me writing again because I have insomnia. I am suffering from some serious muscle stiffness and it just wouldn't let me sleep. I have been tossing and turning for three hours by now, and still did not sleep a wink... As expected from my mind, when left with no active task to do, it occupies itself with countless thoughts. And that quite counterproductively adds to my insomnia tonight.

My brain's favorite exercise as of late is to analyse the contents of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. It is quite a gem to me. Among all the self-improvement books I've read in my life, this is the one book that convinces me more than any other. I have finished reading the book a couple of days ago, but I think at least another re-read and some more reflection/analysis are required for me to really be through with its content. I shall write another blog post dedicated to this book alone.

I know I haven't been active with writing lately. But a train of thoughts in bed just now brought me to the conclusion that it is quite crucial for me to start again. "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" had led to a major reflection process within myself, and among other things, I realized how bad I have become at listening. Luckily, I also suppose I have figured out the reason.

I have always been a heavy thinker with a constant need to express my thoughts, because I find expressing thoughts to be the best way to facilitate thinking progress. I have to lay out my thoughts; I have to see them, to hear them. Only then can I have something as close as possible to an overview of the complexity of my mind. This in turn enables me to think in an organized way, to add further thoughts or scratch some contradicting ones, and to develop new ideas. I used to spend a lot of time on laying my thoughts out in texts. Nowadays, this time is dramatically cut down on, and I end up laying my thoughts out when talking to people instead. Sadly, the need to share my thoughts comes at the price of my ability to listen. I used to be a much better listener when I frequently processed my thoughts through writing, and entered a conversation as an thoughts-already-processed listener.

It is somewhat ironic that part of my motivation to become a better listener is drawn from my dissatisfaction of other people's listening habits. Most people are too consumed with their own thoughts, own problems, own interests, own world to truly want to listen to and understand other people (hey, not entirely excluding myself here). The only time most of us really listen is when someone speaks about something we also care about. I don't know how many times I tried to breach a topic I had been thinking about and the other person just didn't give a response, be it verbally or non-verbally, and just started another topic after a few moments of silence. My emotional connection with that person suffers a serious blow every time that happens, really. I do think I always show more interest when I am in the shoes of the listener, but that can also just be attributed to my sheer thirst to have more stuff to think about, or if I want to put it in a nicer way, my openness to learn about new viewpoints and ideas.

With all that being said, I am aware of the peculiarity of my thinking habit. Or rather, the breadth in which I do it. It's hard to find another person who is willing to keep up with my thoughts. Most of them just end up not listening anymore at some point. It's not that bad though, because some still listen, and those are either people who are similar to me, or people who are truly good at listening. Especially when one-sided listening turns into a conversation, I feel very satisfied - for the lack of a better word - afterwards. It's just that those cases are so rare.

Sometimes, I tell people that I tend to overthink. I guess I should stop doing that from now on, because it's not true. I don't overthink, I just like thinking a lot. The former creates problems, the latter is what makes life meaningful, in my opinion. I won't change that I think a lot, and while doing that, I will also try to add one more person - myself - to the group of rare good listeners.

For now though, I need to get some sleep first. :P

Love

Damn it, there are too many drafts on this blog that I never managed to finish and post. It feels like this blog now harbors a dozen snippets of thought, all randomly typed in and saved when I have time, just to be forgotten until the next time I feel like writing. 

So the reason I'm writing this time is because I'm thinking hard on this one thing: love. 

Yep, you got it. 

Through several things happening during the last couple of weeks, the realization just came again to me that with love, one person can overcome a remarkable amount of hardships. And the powerful love I'm talking about is the love that one person feels for everyone and everything around them, not just for family and friends (and maybe pets), but even more so for strangers. 

When someone on the street says or does something mean to me for unjustifiable reasons, I used to wish I could be sarcastic enough to come up with snarky remarks to get back at them. What I usually end up doing is to just keep silence and ignore them. Just sometimes when it's too much, especially when there are other people I care about involved, I would raise my voice and fight back. But now I'm thinking, really, neither of the two options is the best way to solve problems of the kind. Silence is too passive, and fighting back will only result in a lot of negative energy on both sides. Why shouldn't I smile, take it with humor and, here it comes: love? 

If everyone can do that, then there would be no shooting in Dallas as a response to police violence in the US. If everyone can do that, there would be no regular escalation in the Gaza Strip between Israeli and Palestinians. Heck, there probably would be no war anymore. 

But it's not just strangers we shall show more love. The closest people to us are just equally important. I have always been the kind of person who loves people quite easily, although when I was younger, I used to be a bit more withdrawn. But I grew up in a loving family, which taught me to love it with all my heart, and that habit transferred to my relationships with friends, too. Now that I've grown up more, I'm not just waiting for people to be my friend to love them, I'm trying a different approach. I love them, so that they can become good friends of mine. And it's working out great. :D

The biggest thing I have realized for myself today actually rose from an argument with my parents. I don't want to dive into details as there is no need for that. The conclusion I'm able to draw from my reflections is what matters: the best way to solve a conflict is with love. I have mentioned it for strangers above, but it is even more meaningful in the context with people I love, at least to me, at the moment. 

I have seen what damage anger can do, as an observer, as a victim, but also as the jerk who could not control herself. Even though I have mastered self-control much better than before, the righteous part of me who hates seeing injustice, especially when laid upon myself, still can't hold back sometimes. But today, I have seen again how a seemingly unsolvable argument was solved so peacefully when love is put before any other negative emotion. 

I'm not saying that we should embrace and love the wrongdoings of others (don't think I can really do that), but what I'm definitely saying is that hate and anger are the wrong responses. More love, less hate - that's the only way leading to a good solution, even though the answer to the problems is not always clear with just love in the beginning. Thinking about it, this really shouldn't be an epiphany on my part. Buddha has said it, Jesus Christ has mentioned it, Ghandi has stated, "An eye for an eye, and the world goes blind", and even Dale Carnegie has taught it to everyone in his book How to Win Friends And Influence People.

I know it's always easier said than done, this philosophical deep shit. But I have to try, and I want to try it. To let love show more of itself, especially in conflict situations. :)

(A three hour train ride from Leipzig to Gießen where I had nothing else to do is responsible for this chunk of text.)

Why I Care About Your First-Snow Photo

Ever since snow and the "This is Bill" trend started to exist in the same universe at the same time, this particular meme has been circulating in my Facebook feed. When I saw it, my first thought was, "Well, that's sad for Bill. He doesn't seem to have any friends outside of his city or village." It prompted me to finally put down my thoughts about social networking, especially when a lot of people nowadays seem to be so passive-aggressive particularly about Facebook.

The Green Smoothie

Let me explain to you where the initial hate comes from. In order to do that, let's imagine Bill to be the opposite of that meme-Bill in the image up there. Bill likes to post pictures, mostly of food. One morning, Bill finds a new smoothie recipe, checks it out and posts about it on Facebook. Your comment? "No one cares about that green smoothie you made for breakfast! What's next? Your lunch? Your tea-time snack? Your dinner? Stop it!" 

This is what the Facebook-haters probably hate the most about Facebook. Their annoying friend who posts 40 statuses or photos, per hour, about what they eat, what they wear, what they do, basically just all the banal, boring things in their life. People like that are just attention seekers, don't they know that they drive their friends crazy?!

It sounds awful, doesn't it? But's let's be honest here. Do you really have a friend who posts 40 statuses an hour? I don't. I don't even have any friend who posts 40 times per week. The most I ever saw anyone on my Facebook feed was probably twice a day. And you know what? Even if you have that 40-posts-per-hour-friend, you can block them! Or hide their posts from your feed. Or, if it really bothers you that much, just don't look at your Facebook feed at all. It really is that simple.

As for attention seeking, I'm sorry to break it to you, but everybody, including you and me, is an attention seeker. The noun people use the most everyday? It's "I". Maybe you should stop thinking, "I can't stand Bill's 40 posts," or, "It pisses me off that Bill shares the story of his green smoothie." Maybe start with, "Oh, Bill made a green smoothie," and at some point think, "Wow, it's great that Bill tried to make a green smoothie." You'll realize you won't be pissed at all. It's like magic. Because the truth is: if you start to genuinely care about your friends, Facebook will make you much less angry.

And the most important question: Why in the world must you be so butthurt about Bill's green smoothie to begin with? Or Bill's first-snow picture, for that matter? Does it hurt you, or maybe even kill you with boredom to have to see what Bill posts? I get it, you've had green smoothies before and you're not a fan, and you have a window to look at the snow just like Bill. But you see, maybe Bill has a friend who has never heard of green smoothies before. Or maybe, he's friends with some folks (from Vietnam, for example) who have never seen snow. He knows that they would love to see a picture of his green smoothie or the first snow, or even better, videos of it all. Things that are mundane and belong to Bill's everyday life might not interest you, but they might be more spectacular and less boring to Bill's friends who share less things in common with his everyday life (and -cough- only see him face-to-face every two years -cough-). So, please be a decent person and not complain or judge Bill, and go do something else if you are bored. 

That Drunk Picture

We all know that Facebook has a bad reputation regarding their user's privacy. Very deserving, for that matter. It's completely legitimate that you don't want Facebook to use your personal information to enable market research for some random companies without your authorization. But it's the bitter truth that we can't change yet, so everyone should be able to decide for themselves how they want to handle that. The less legitimate reasons about your privacy, however, are the following:  you don't want your employer to see that drunk photo of you from your friend's birthday party last night, and you don't want the government to come after you because you posted a photo of your dinner with a caption that says, "it was the bomb".

If your employer is not a professional hacker (which I bet does not apply to only the rarest of cases), you can decide whether or not they can see that drunk picture of yours. It's simple: you can edit your privacy in Facebook! You can decide who you want to allow seeing your party pictures, and who not. If your employer ends up seeing your drunk pictures, it's not Facebook's fault, it's yours. 

If you live in a country that is modern and up-to-date with the latest technologies, it is indeed hard to not have the government sniff around in your private life. And you can't hide from the NSA anywhere, that's true too (damn it, America!). It's okay if you never want to post anything on Facebook because of that. But you see, the thing is, Facebook is not really the problem. Even if you don't post anything, the NSA can still track you down if they read something suspicious in your emails, and all you have to do is log into Facebook. If you really want to be safe, you have to quit Facebook, stop writing emails and give up on Skype calls. In fact, you have to quit the internet altogether. Or you should pick up an IT major to learn how to protect yourself from being spied on digitally. Or better yet, you should consult a shrink who can help you with your bordering-paranoia worries.

Bad For Your Mental Health

There are said to be studies out there that found out that people using Facebook tend to be more depressed than those who don't. The pathomechanism is this: Most people only post their happy moments on Facebook. Someone who is going through a bad time (or sometimes, is just simply bored) sees others' happiness and thinks life is being nice to everybody else but them, and they get super depressed about their own life.

Now I'm a bit too lazy to go search for those publications, but I heard from a trusted friend that there are studies out there that dug a bit deeper, and realized that people who just lurk and stalk tend to be less happy than people who actually share something on Facebook. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Ever heard of this saying that goes, "Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled."?

When someone feels bad about something and makes it heard on Facebook, no one should accuse them of simply "seeking attention", which sounds like it's a terrible thing. Every act of caring, every word of encouragement, no matter how small, could help them in that situation a whole lot. Maybe you should just try it. You'll notice that you will feel much less depressed about life, when you see that your friends care about your well-being.

For Bill, who might have friends that are geographically separated from him, Facebook is a great way to show them that he always cares, and to let his friends care back for him. It makes the hard task of defying distance a bit easier.

The Bottom Line

Sometimes I have a feeling that people forget what Facebook really is. A social network. A platform to connect people. It's that simple. How each person chooses to use that platform to connect is their business, and we need to not judge each other by that. Just like how we should not judge each other by our origin, our skin color, our sexual orientation, our outer appearance or what we wear, what we eat, what music we like, what our hobbies are, etc. (I can write a whole new blog entry about this topic, too...)

Now we all know that Bill in this text and I are quite similar. If there were not for social networking platforms, I wouldn't be able to maintain a stable relationship with half of my current friends. And that would be a great, great shame. 

I think it's fun to see a picture of my friends in Ho Chi Minh city, who experience the coldest winter yet and actually had to buy thick scarfs for the first time in their lives. I am happy to know that a long-time buddy who is studying abroad in the U.S. just graduated, and I am still happy even if my "Congratulations!" is buried under a hundred other comments. I'm thrilled to see a picture of a friend and her newborn daughter who live only a couple of hundred kilometers away in another German city, but I still can't visit them anytime soon. I'm excited to be inspired by the travelling pictures of a friend who broke free into the world for the first time in her life, and to be able to visually accompany her through her journey. And yes, I am also glad to see what that friend in Korea usually eats, or to see that one Australian friend of mine to have recovered from his heartbreak and is smitten with his new girlfriend.

One could argue that those relationships are too shallow. I agree that picking up the phone to call someone is better than just liking a post on Facebook. But a person only has so much time and energy in a day, can anybody call every single one of their friends regularly? There are only a few you can catch up on with frequently. You should do that, I am doing it. But I'd rather be involved in my other friends' lives in form of Facebook likes and comments than not being in their lives at all. The same applies to their involvement in my life.

That's what Facebook should be used for. To make connections between people easier. If you're the type who values connections and think that distance should pose no obstacle to sustaining them, you would know to appreciate social networks like Facebook. And if you're the type who likes sharing and genuinely care about your friends, I can't imagine why you would hate that first-snow picture that Bill posts. I know I don't. :)

Caring Friends - My Christmas Present

The year is coming to an end and there's still no sign of snow. I really can't remember the last time I experienced a white Christmas. But nowadays, I've become so indifferent towards snow that it doesn't really matter to me anymore.

Quite a few things have happened between my last blog post and this one. I have no idea why this year's pre-Christmas season is so eventful to me and the people around me. I know of at least five others who will not have normal cheerful Christmas holidays because of shit life has put them through. For my family, it will be the first time we're not complete for Christmas...

The upside of going through a hard time is that people who genuinely care about you will pop up. Their caring ranges from lending you an ear, a shoulder, to just small little things like frequently asking how you are, remembering the little things you said that even you would forget, if they didn't remind you. Yes, some people like that popped up and made me feel loved, and I honestly think it has been a while since I had the privilege to feel this way about my friends. A friend in need is a friend, indeed.

Well, I have always been a person who cares a lot. People like me would like to be cared for in return very much, and we tend to be disappointed when that doesn't happen. It doesn't make us hate the people who neglect us, but it does make us appreciate immensely the ones who care. Everytime I go through some events that are, in my terms, shocking, I find a new person who offers me consolation and support.

That is also the reason why I love my Vietnamese friends so much. It might be the Vietnamese mentality, the Asian mentality, I don't know, but a lot of them are the same type of caring people. The type who notices small gestures, who appreciates little things others do for them. I have gone through a lot with them, and I honestly think that's what made us bond so firmly. Of course happy times when you goof around is important, but being there for each other, caring about each other during hard times is what is crucial for a life-lasting friendship. Or is there any other explanation for why I still feel the same about my Vietnamese friends when we only meet every two years, and I have been gone for almost 10? I just... feel very intense emotions for them. :P

Apart from my commitment issue and lack of patience, which pose problems to any kind of relationship, the bottom line of this post is, I still have a lot of love to give. And thanks to the quite unexpected people who give me back the same, I think I can spend this Christmas feeling happier than what I had imagined a couple of weeks ago. Mostly for myself, this is a reminder that I shall never forget what they have done for me during this difficult time. Mina and Edith, I will make sure they know how much it all means to me.

And on that note, have a warm Christmas, everyone.  :)

To the Guy I Still Love the Most

You're the one going thourgh puberty, you're the one who's doing a huge deal of going through shit and growing up, but here I am feeling as if I'm going through not less shit than you, and I'm having not less of a growing-up experience than you.

Is it a guy's thing, really? Not speaking about feelings, not saying anything about what you think, what makes you happy, what makes you sad? I've always had trouble accepting silence of the people who are dear to me, because I just can't understand it. If something bothers you, why in the freaking world wouldn't you tell it to the people you trust the most? Why? I just don't get it. 

There was a time I was very, very convinced that there's something wrong with your head, or heart, or both. How can a person live and be so indifferent about everything and everyone? When you used to open up more to me, you told me that you don't feel the need of having a best friend, or a close friend, for that matter. It's enough to have some friends who share the same hobbies and habits, and to meet up with them from time to time. I told you that just to "meet up from time to time" won't give you the people you can count on later in life, because every relationship needs continuous nourishing, be it partnerships, friendships, or even family. (I still don't believe in that kind of friendship where you "never talk to each other for years" but then are BFFs all of a sudden when you meet again). You were unimpressed with my words back then. 

I could see that you didn't have the best of friends around you in school. You're more of a nerd, you like computer games, you have some real-life friends from soccer, but more random online friends from your games. I, more than anyone, should know to appreciate relationships forming and developing online, because I've been through it, I told you. Most of my friends in Vietnam wouldn't be my bestest friends now, hadn't there been this thing called the Internet. But online relationships should never be worth of sacrificing real life relationships, this I've also told you. When you get mobbed online, it's easier to turn off the computer than when you get mobbed in real life. When you get hurt in real life, online people can only send you the best of wishes, but it's the real-life people that can actually help you. It's important to balance the two, but never in favor of online relationships...

I know you're probably a bit eccentric, as you tend to have really deep thoughts sometimes, mostly about random philosophy stuff, but the most simple things in life, you don't want to give a thought about it. Your Philosophy/Ethics teacher is fascinated by your attritubtion to her classes, while at home, I'm just throwing my hands in defeat wondering why you wouldn't care one bit about how the things you do would affect the people who love you the most.

I only wish that you would think more about the people around you instead of thinking about some far-away people or far-fetched topics. Our mother showed me a sheet of paper she accidentally found in your room the other day. You scribbled some thoughts you never told any of us on that paper, and reading that was making me quite emotional. It was then that I realize you used to (or still, I don't know, I'm not sure) think about your relationships with friends at school, about school, about your goals, about girlfriends even (and here I thought you always liked computer games too much to care). It's like a completely different you; a person I would rather deem mentally healthy than that boy I see now at home. I don't know if now, you're still the same, as in you appear to be indifferent but when you're on your own, you still think about the necessary things. But one thing I know for sure is that even if you're not completely indifferent, you still don't give life around you enough thought. 

And the one thing I can hardly ever accept is the punishing silence you give your family members whenever you're in a bad mood. Before, when you used to have trouble just expressing yourself, it was something else. But now, you just don't want to talk. It makes me feel like I'm not worth talking to, my questions are not worth an answer, my disappointments not worth an explanation. It's the highest form of disrespect anybody, not just you, can give me, really. You're not the first person who acts like a jerk like that. Just know that to me, it pretty much translates into, "I'm not giving a fck about my relationship with you." And why, then, should I give a fck in return?

Unless I can't help it, of course. When the jerk is, I don't know, my brother, for example.

I'm a bit stuck here, really. I just want my brother back. The one I used to play soccer with, the one I can non-stop talk about martial arts movies or Detective Conan to, the one I bicker with about whether English or French is the better language, the one who listened with great interest whenever I explain anything science-related. The one I spent most of my childhood with, basically.

Now that one just doesn't listen or talk to me anymore...

Just tell me, what can I do to have my brother back, really?

Raaaaandom, Because I Again Had The Urge to Write

Bleh, I'm sick. No more than one week autumn-ish weather and my throat's already swollen.

I partly blame it on the cold rooms in our lab but then again, no one except me seems to run around in long-sleeved shirts and jackets and still freezes like we had temperatures of the coldest Siberian winter. Guess it's my immune system. I have a faint suspicion that everytime I neglect doing sports, I'm like ten times more prone to getting sick. Nowadays the only thing I feel like doing after work is slouching on my couch until bed time...




Yesterday I had a quarrel with my dorm mate. Well, I could also call it a discussion because is has less the 'fighting' character than just arguing and being honest with each other. After the argument, we were actually on better terms than before.

It's been a while since the last time someone slapped the fact that I'm way too dominant in my face. Shit, I've really tried to tone it down alright, but sometimes I just forget to adjust it when I talk to certain people. It's also absolutely not helping that my dorm mate has this way of challenging my patience (or the lack thereof), for example, when he doesn't answer when I ask him something, or when he bluntly says, "No, I don't feel like it," when I asked him if he had time to talk. Like seriously, how much respect does he have for me if 'not feeling like it' is more than reason enough for him to put me off.

Nah, but talking about his faults or justifying my wrongs is not the purpose of this. Basically, I think I have a very justified reason to be all kinds of mad at him, but I'm also thankful he reminded me that I might have let a bad side slip out too much.




Let me just say that I won't ever take shit from anybody. For one, I'm stubborn. Secondly, I can't stand suffering injustice. With that, and my seeming luck to always all of a sudden be perfectly able to express my thoughts in an argument, I'm not the type to shy away from discussions. Adding impatience as a non-virtue to that, I was actually born your typical short-tempered and hot-headed person.

My parents, of course, have realized that soon before anyone else. They brought that to my attention as soon as I was intellectually able to receive criticism of the kind. It took a few painful failures on my part to finally get me accepting the truth, though. But since then, I did try my best and continuously work on that flaw. It's just, like I already said, old habits die hard... Sometimes I forget to tame my temper. Therefore, getting the bitter truth slapped in the face would help from time to time, too.




Yesterday got me thinking a lot. Plus me being sick, plus the cold weather, all that led to my being emo. :P And what happens when I feel emotional? No, I don't cry, silly. I get a surge of motivation for writing. At least five story ideas popped up in my head, counting from yesterday night till this morning.

We'll see how productive I can be in the next couple of days. :)

*ETA: I decided my Blog design was too gloomy. Changed it to something happier.

Một vài suy nghĩ lúc rảnh rỗi về đất nước mình

Ngẫm nghĩ lại mình thấy ở Việt Nam, muốn sống sót được thì con người phải có những tố chất sau:

1- Không được lơ ngơ
2- Không được quá hiền
3- Không được quá thật thà

Đấy là để sống sót thôi, chứ nếu muốn có thành công thì mình lại phải cần thêm nhiều yếu tố "sống khéo" khác nữa. Nói chung thế cũng đã là khó rồi...

Nếu không muốn lơ ngơ thì phải ra ngoài va chạm nhiều, muốn không quá hiền hay thật thà thì lại là một chuyện khác vì nó liên quan nhiều đến bản chất, tính cách của con người hơn. Với lại "không hiền" thế nào để không phải là đanh đá quá? "Không quá thật thà" bao nhiêu để không trở thành đồ đểu cáng?

Mình cũng không biết có phải do mình không quen sống ở VN không mà mình thấy nó khó.

Hôm nọ đi từ đường Trần Huy Liệu đến rạp chiếu phim Quốc Gia mình và đứa em họ nhảy lên cái taxi Phù Đổng, chú tài xế không bật đồng hồ nên mình nhắc. Ấy thế mà chú ý cứ nhùng nhằng không chịu, bảo đi đoạn ngắn thôi nên chú ý không cần bật đồng hồ, lấy cỡ 30k thôi là rẻ rồi. Mình cũng không chịu, tại kiểu thấy ng ta không quang minh chính đại là mình nghi ngay rồi, nên lằng nhằng thêm một lúc thì ông kia dừng xe để hai đứa xuống, thêm câu "Keo kiệt thì thôi bắt xe ôm đi nhé, trời mưa cho chết!"

Chẹp, có cần thiết vậy không?

Cuối cùng mình bắt cái taxi khác, đi mất 13k mà rồi mình làm tròn lên 15k.

May là mình không quá ngơ, cũng chẳng quá hiền. Nhưng chú kia thì có vẻ hơi làm quá cái phần "không thật thà".

Lại một chuyện nữa là cái chuyện mình vẫn kêu ca muổn thuở, đò là tại sao người Việt mình tiết kiệm nụ cười quá. Vào quán cafe hay những chỗ dịch vụ, mình lúc nào cũng toe toét cười mà nhân viên thì dặn mãi cười cũng không ra. Vậy là sao? Cả vào bệnh viện, phòng khám thì nhất là Y tá, mình cảm giác họ muốn ra oai hay sao í mà giọng luôn rất chỉ đạo, lạnh băng không cảm xúc.

Nhưng không phải người Việt mình không thân thiện, trái lại ý, mình thấy dân mình cực kì xởi lởi. Chỉ là lúc đầu thì ai cũng phải "lạnh" với nhau đã, điều đấy như thành thói quen rồi ấy. Đến khi quen thân nhau hơn thì mọi người với nhau vui thôi rồi. Cái này thì mình đã có đc một trải nghiệm rất rõ rệt.

Ra phòng khám của ông, lúc đầu không ai biết mình là ai, mấy chị Y tá thực hiện y chang cái luật "ra oai". Thậm chí đến lúc ông khám xong rồi, bảo cháu vào trong nhà để mấy chị tiêm cho thì cũng có mấy chị không biết mình là cháu ông, vẫn cứ cư xử thế. Mình hỏi mấy câu kiểu "Em ngồi đây được không ạ?", "Em tiêm thuốc gì ấy chị nhỉ?" thì mấy chị ấy hoặc là trả lời lí nhí không ai nghe ra, hoặc là ignore mình luôn không thèm nói. Đến lúc vỡ lẽ mình là cháu ông, lại cũng học Y, được ông quý (hehe) thì thái độ thay đổi 180°. :P Vui vẻ hỏi han chơi đùa với em, lại còn chọc ngoáy nhau làm như thân lắm rồi í.

Lúc ấy mình mới ngẫm ra, người Việt mình kiểu "không hơi đâu quan tâm đến người lạ", nhưng nếu là người có quan hệ gì đó với mình thì mọi ng lại niềm nở hơn, hỏi han nhiều hơn. Vậy nên lính mới nếu đến chỗ nào không quen biết thì luốn khá bị cái áp lực "chứng tỏ bản thân" đè nặng, nhất là bản thân cũng chỉ được yên ổn khi mình "chứng tỏ" đủ để mọi người nể, không hành mình cái kiểu "ma cũ bắt nạt ma mới", nhưng cũng chỉ được vừa đủ để không khiên ai phải ghen ghét, đố kị.

Có nghĩa là sau này nếu muốn làm gì được ở Việt Nam thì mình cần phải thực hiện được một thứ rất quan trọng: đó là nuôi dưỡng những mối quan hệ với bạn bè Việt. Dù sau này mình có thể thành công ở Đức đến đâu đi chăng nữa, nếu không có sẵn những mối quan hệ tốt ở Việt Nam thì mình rất khó có thể làm nên trò trống gì. (Dĩ nhiên là nói thế này không có nghĩa là mình chỉ giữ quan hệ vì mình "cần" quan hệ sau này... Cũng phải quý bạn bè thì mình mới liên lạc vs bọn nó chứ ^^)

Nhưng quan hệ thôi cũng chẳng đủ. Một là nuôi dưỡng quan hệ tốt khi mà mình ở xa thì cũng khá khó, hai là cũng chính vì ở xa mà mình không thể có được tất cả những mối quan hệ cần thiết cho những "hoài bão" của mình. Vậy nên mình đã ngẫm ra việc thứ hai cũng rất quan trọng mà mình cần, đó là: tiền. (Nó sẽ kèm theo rất nhiều cái "không thật thà", nhưng ở Việt Nam, mình thật sự nghĩ nếu không vậy thì rất rất khó thành công. Cái khó và cái quan trọng vẫn luôn là "bao nhiêu cho đủ" và "không được đánh mất bản thân"...)

À vâng. Cái này thì mình cũng chưa biết là nên như thế nào thì mới đạt được.

Nhưng mà tóm lại là lần nào về Việt Nam mình cũng ngẫm ra được vài thứ, ngẫm thêm cỡ chục lần nữa biết đâu mình sẽ tìm ra được giải pháp gì đấy.

There's just one thing I'm always sure about: that Vietnam will always be included in my future. I can't break this connection I always feel towards my homecountry.

Vậy nên Việt Nam ơi, chờ nhé. :)