Is it a guy's thing, really? Not speaking about feelings, not saying anything about what you think, what makes you happy, what makes you sad? I've always had trouble accepting silence of the people who are dear to me, because I just can't understand it. If something bothers you, why in the freaking world wouldn't you tell it to the people you trust the most? Why? I just don't get it.
There was a time I was very, very convinced that there's something wrong with your head, or heart, or both. How can a person live and be so indifferent about everything and everyone? When you used to open up more to me, you told me that you don't feel the need of having a best friend, or a close friend, for that matter. It's enough to have some friends who share the same hobbies and habits, and to meet up with them from time to time. I told you that just to "meet up from time to time" won't give you the people you can count on later in life, because every relationship needs continuous nourishing, be it partnerships, friendships, or even family. (I still don't believe in that kind of friendship where you "never talk to each other for years" but then are BFFs all of a sudden when you meet again). You were unimpressed with my words back then.
I could see that you didn't have the best of friends around you in school. You're more of a nerd, you like computer games, you have some real-life friends from soccer, but more random online friends from your games. I, more than anyone, should know to appreciate relationships forming and developing online, because I've been through it, I told you. Most of my friends in Vietnam wouldn't be my bestest friends now, hadn't there been this thing called the Internet. But online relationships should never be worth of sacrificing real life relationships, this I've also told you. When you get mobbed online, it's easier to turn off the computer than when you get mobbed in real life. When you get hurt in real life, online people can only send you the best of wishes, but it's the real-life people that can actually help you. It's important to balance the two, but never in favor of online relationships...
I know you're probably a bit eccentric, as you tend to have really deep thoughts sometimes, mostly about random philosophy stuff, but the most simple things in life, you don't want to give a thought about it. Your Philosophy/Ethics teacher is fascinated by your attritubtion to her classes, while at home, I'm just throwing my hands in defeat wondering why you wouldn't care one bit about how the things you do would affect the people who love you the most.
I only wish that you would think more about the people around you instead of thinking about some far-away people or far-fetched topics. Our mother showed me a sheet of paper she accidentally found in your room the other day. You scribbled some thoughts you never told any of us on that paper, and reading that was making me quite emotional. It was then that I realize you used to (or still, I don't know, I'm not sure) think about your relationships with friends at school, about school, about your goals, about girlfriends even (and here I thought you always liked computer games too much to care). It's like a completely different you; a person I would rather deem mentally healthy than that boy I see now at home. I don't know if now, you're still the same, as in you appear to be indifferent but when you're on your own, you still think about the necessary things. But one thing I know for sure is that even if you're not completely indifferent, you still don't give life around you enough thought.
And the one thing I can hardly ever accept is the punishing silence you give your family members whenever you're in a bad mood. Before, when you used to have trouble just expressing yourself, it was something else. But now, you just don't want to talk. It makes me feel like I'm not worth talking to, my questions are not worth an answer, my disappointments not worth an explanation. It's the highest form of disrespect anybody, not just you, can give me, really. You're not the first person who acts like a jerk like that. Just know that to me, it pretty much translates into, "I'm not giving a fck about my relationship with you." And why, then, should I give a fck in return?
Unless I can't help it, of course. When the jerk is, I don't know, my brother, for example.
I'm a bit stuck here, really. I just want my brother back. The one I used to play soccer with, the one I can non-stop talk about martial arts movies or Detective Conan to, the one I bicker with about whether English or French is the better language, the one who listened with great interest whenever I explain anything science-related. The one I spent most of my childhood with, basically.
Now that one just doesn't listen or talk to me anymore...
Just tell me, what can I do to have my brother back, really?
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