What Does It Mean to be a Good Mom

It's been almost two months of being a stay-at-home mom for me. On one side, it is greatly rewarding to see our little Benni grow each day, but on the other side, I really do struggle with the "stay-at-home" part. Taking care of a baby all day does wear me out, mostly mentally.  My mood is going back and forth between enjoying the lack of need to be productive on the one hand, and being frustrated because I cannot be as productive as I want to on the other hand. I keep thinking that I am not cut out to be a "good" mom in its traditional meaning. I cannot be at home taking care of children and housework all day and feel accomplished afterwards. Even though I was aware of this even before Benni was born, I did not expect me to get close to my limits this soon. 

Don't get me wrong - I love spending time with my son. I love seeing his tiny hands slapping his own face in an absolutely uncoordinated fashion, I love the baby sounds he makes when he looks about the room, I love the giggles he randomly produces during his sleep while looking so peaceful. He is the cutest human being on earth. And I am aware that this state of cuteness won't last a lifetime, so I really do appreciate every moment that I have with him right now. But all this doesn't change the fact that just watching him all day is not enough for me to feel fulfilled. 

I wouldn't say that I consider myself a bad mom. I think my definition of what a good mom should be is just different from most people's. I still want to be heavily involved in my son's life and his growing up. But I need some balance between raising a child and following other dreams. And I need this balance not after a year of staying at home - I need it much sooner. One reason why I am confident that I'm not a bad mom is my willingness to go through the stay-at-home phase for as long as there is no good alternative for Benni. Fortunately, the time where there is absolutely no alternative for a mom during the entirety of 24 hours a day is very limited. I would say that's probably the case for the first few days (when the mom needs to be really close to the baby for her own sake too) and whenever the baby is sick. At other times, it shouldn't be a problem to have somebody else taking care of the baby - be it just an hour for the mom to do something not baby related. Of course, for this to work, there needs to be a good dad and probably other family members around. A bit later, a good babysitter will be crucial. 

I don't know - is this thinking too naïve? I still think my child won't have mental issues just because somebody else takes care of him for a couple of hours a day while he is two months old. I will still be his person of reference - that is important to me too. I have to regularly assess whether or not our bond is still strong enough, and if there is any sign of trouble, everything else will have to make place for bonding time. That is how I want to approach this. Because just "enduring" staying at home and feeling frustrated regularly isn't a good option. Only a happy mom will be a good mom. 

At some point of time in the future, I'll go back to this blog post and either be really proud or really reproachful of myself... 

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A short report of some facts around Benni's birth - for the memories: 

1. Benni waited patiently for me to finish two exams and one presentation before starting labor. This child, really. Six hours after my last study session, within the first few minutes after I went to bed, the first contraction kicked in. It was around 10:30 on 05th March 2022. 

2. Dilating pains were really uncomfortable, but with the breathing techniques I learnt, it was manageable. We waited at home until the contractions set in every five minutes for two hours, and drove to the clinic. At that time, my cervix was already at 9cm. 

3. Expulsive pains were intense, but not as uncomfortable as dilating pains, mainly because I could actively do something (press!) and not just passively lying around waiting for the pain to pass. But even under expulsive pains, my water wouldn't break, so the midwife had to perform an amniocentesis. And then because contractions were not frequently enough, I had to get an oxytocin drip, too.

4. After what felt like three days (but was about three hours) with me seeing no progress whatsoever, I finally felt Benni's head between my legs. It wasn't until then that I actually believed the midwife and Tobi that Benni was indeed coming out slowly. The midwife said Benni will be delivered at any moment and called a doctor before my next contraction. Then I was supposed to suppress pressing midway during the upcoming contraction, for perineum protection. But Benni had other plans. With the very first pressure of the next contraction, his whole body came shooting out like a rocket, including the rest of the amniotic fluid - and everything landed on my poor midwife. Guess we had exhausted Benni's patience by then. 

5. We spent hours in the delivery room as a family afterwards. That was real luxury I think. And I'm very thankful that Tobi could accompany me and actively participate during the whole labor process. I didn't swear at him at any point but did "abuse" his hands with squeezes. I think that was an intense experience for him too. 

Well, after all the complaints I went through - from pregnancy to delivery to puerperium, really can't say that I enjoy any of it - I still am really happy to have a little human to raise, and I'm not even reluctant to do it all over again. That alone should give me some confidence that I am not born a bad mother... 

Pregnancy Thoughts (probably hormone-driven)

I realized just how hard it is to find time to write blog posts when you're a working adult with a family. Only now that I'm staying home due to the pregnancy is when I have time for writing again. And even then, my thoughts revolve around our baby most of the time (if I'm not concentrating on some work stuff). I think I just want to put some of my thoughts and feelings surrounding pregnancy and baby on paper, for the memories, you know. 

The decision to get a baby did not come out of the blue on a drunken night but was actually calculated very carefully by us. It might seem quite early in our relationship, but both Tobi and I were sure we're in for the long term, so once we started planning for my fellowship abroad in 4-5 years, it seemed apt to get that baby planning started, too. What can I say - we were rather lucky because the baby-making process succeeded on the first go. 😛So we became pregnant while still being invested in both of our workplaces, which certainly had an influence on how we handled the whole pregnancy. Under no circumstances did I want to become a full-time pregnant woman too soon, of this I was sure from the beginning on. As long as it was physically and legally possible, I wanted to continue working. And that's exactly what I did for the first seven months of pregnancy. Luckily, I wasn't pestered with nausea or fatigue. Even though flatulence and bloating were really uncomfortable, it wasn't bad enough for me to want to stay home. It wasn't until my back pain became more severe and walking was an every day torture that I finally listened to everybody else and decided to stay home 3 weeks earlier than the start of my maternity protection leave. 

And with staying home finally came the time I was able to really look forward to our baby. With my belly being huge and the growing discomforts impossible to ignore, the thoughts that we were about to have a little human being living with us very soon became more and more present. And no matter how often I hear the somber warnings of sleepless nights and extreme fatigue that might come with a crybaby, I can't help but to just feel genuine happiness and positive excitement. I guess it's the hormones. 

Now I'm in my 35th week, I'm starting to get swollen feet and symphysis pain, but what keeps me going is the prospect of holding our little man in my arms, having him become acquainted with Lucy, going on vacation with him, and really, seeing him being loved by his daddy, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, which will make me love them even more. All in all, this baby is just going to be a bundle of love, and that's something I am willing to trade all physical discomforts for, no doubt about it. 

I actually want to write a little bit more, but time is running out. Hopefully, I can come back in a couple of months to write about how our little man will have actually changed our lives. Now I just can't wait. :)

A Slice of my Current Life

Hello, here I am, finally.

I don't know how many times I've said I needed to write again until I actually ended up being here. Well, this is a sign that not much has changed in the past couple of years. Speaking of changes though, no one can really leave out the biggest change in 2020 so far: the Covid-19 pandemic. SARS-CoV-2 has turned the life of pretty much every single person on earth around. For me personally, the most impactful effect was that all the quarantine measures put a sharp brake on my very fast-paced life. For the first time since forever I had so much spare time to actually watch a tv show, take an online course, but also to experience an unfulfilling weekend being completely non-productive. Just because socializing and going to events fell entirely out of my schedule. Had I not been forced into quarantine, I wouldn't have realized how much I was missing my "me-time".

Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm not having too much "me-time" at the moment. I don't feel uncomfortable yet, but not seeing anyone outside of the family for longer than a month does not sound right in my books. I guess I'll have to pull myself together soon. It's not like I don't enjoy the company of my friends, right? It's all about finding balance, as usual.

Since the beginning of April, I've taken a break at inpatient service and switched to taking care of outpatients specifically for clinical trials. It's a different approach at patients and at my clinical advancement, which will remain exciting so long as it remains unfamiliar to me. Though I don't think I'll really get bored even when getting acquainted with everything, because the other half of my work will consume much of my energy and thoughts. I'm starting my own research project. Yup, you heard it right. I'm really giving lab work another try, and only because my supervisor managed to convince me that it'll run smoother than how my dissertation thesis went. And well you know me, it is so easy to get me pumped for something. Right now, I really do fancy the thought of a scientific career - for one because of my genuine nerdy interest in science, and for two, it really is indispensable for becoming a leader in my clinical field. Scientific reputation will open doors for me to have vast opportunities and the might to do things I really want to do, even if that ultimate goal (unlikely) focuses on plain research one day.

So yes, right now I am channeling my mind on stepping closer to one of my "Big Five for Life", namely becoming an expert in the medical field I chose - Rheumatology. Indirectly, I will thereby come closer to two other goals of the Big Five, too. And while doing so, I won't forget the other two unrelated goals either. How can I, when I see my Big Fives every morning stuck on the wall of my sleeping room. At least the frequency of me waking up with a huge hungover and a fogged mind is dramatically reduced and does not pose as a hindrance at all these days. :P

I'll call it a day now. Hopefully I'll be back soon with either good news or a truly interesting topic to talk about.

That 2019 Lookback

It's quite amazing how we're already nearing the end of 2019 and with that, also the end of the second decade of the 21st century. Even though years and decades are human constructs and should not pressure us into doing things within the borders of that construct, I do think it is quite nice to have an end and a beginning as an occasion to self-reflect. I kind of ditched that "tradition" of end-of-the-year reflections two years ago, but this year was so eventful that it really seems worth doing a lookback. So here it goes.

Let me try to put things in chronological order. The very first event that pops up in my mind when I think of the beginning of 2019 is my trip to Vietnam. I spent about one month in my home country, writing my thesis while spending time with family and some friends. Also important to me, I finally experienced Tet holidays in Vietnam again after 13 years or so. But honestly, as of this very moment, I cannot recall too many things about it... I think bringing my thesis home was my big mistake. Writing my thesis is always latently stressful, and with that always at the back of my head, I wasn't able to fully enjoy the Vietnamese experience. I left Vietnam feeling rather sad and quite regretful, so that's definitely something I should learn from for the future.

Coming back to Germany around March also meant diving into Work Life for me. Starting work is definitely the greatest new experience for me this year. I was able to learn so much for the past ten months, and that learning certainly exceeds sheer professional knowledge but includes so many other things as well. I will have to lay them out one by one in the next sections. Considering the work aspect alone I can confidently say that I am really happy where I am. I feel comfortable with my team, my colleagues and my superiors, and the work of being a doctor itself brings me great joy.

For the first half of 2019, my relationships recorded more novel events in the family department. For one, Lucy came into my life, and she keeps cuddling herself deeper and deeper into my heart (that'd be cheesy-me speaking). For two, Van and Lena are two additions into our big family that I both treasure. Bach went and is going through a hard time but at least he's around right now, and quite honestly the few months during summer when he was at his personal best, I was able to learn to love so many more sides of him. That of course, made me grow as well. Last but not least, our grandparents visiting for 3 months during late summer was an important family event as well. This year, now that I am looking back at it, held so much family bonding time than every year ever before. That's definitely something very valuable to me.

The non-family relationships gravitated towards the latter half of the year. Standing in the center of course are my relationships at work, and I am so happy to have that little bit of luck to be able to turn that normal collegiality into genuine friendships. Also, Marie decided to come over to Leipzig and that is such a huge bonus point, not to mention Elis, who also settled down in Leipzig and started in the same hospital as me. So my social circle became really stable rather quickly, which even surprised me a little bit. It opens up my time and effort capacity to expand that circle, which I continue doing even until now. We all know how I enjoy different input from different people. That's the reason I went out regularly with our students who always come and go, joined a tennis club in September, and keep conjuring up plans to meet other non-medical people with other common interests. The goal, as I read from a book I forgot the name, should be to engage oneself in a work-related and in a non-work-related group in one's free time. The new people I've met through those activities this year are mostly really interesting ones, and with some, there is even genuine potential for developing deeper connections (troublesome enough, also something I have a craving for).

Some experiences with deeper and more earnest human connections have taught me great lessons this year as well. Those experiences are valuable to me in a sense that they helped me understand my subconscious thoughts, my needs and my way of loving much better. I reflected in great detail the way I handled some difficult relationship problems. One of the prominent things that I am satisfied with is my effort in showing vulnerability. It takes courage to be vulnerable, I tell you. I doesn't come easy to me, at all, but I am getting there slowly. Even though it was tiring to go through times when the heart had to take blows, I still think that it's all worth it, for the moments that the heart could flutter. But that's not a new realization to me, now is it? What's new is rather my positive confidence I was able to gain after those difficult times, particularly in the way of handling love without the constant fear of hurting the people I hold dear. I feel like I got a step closer towards tackling my commitment issues, and maybe, the time will soon come when I am ready to give myself a chance at really intimate and profound bonds again.

And then there's another great "milestone" I need to mention. It took me several months of pondering until I finally succeeded in identifying my "new" life goals sometime around December this year. Without having clear goals in front of my eyes, it always feels like I just live my days off while wandering around aimlessly. Until last year, the goal was to finish med school and know where I want to start off from. That was a semi-longterm goal I followed for such a long time. But once that was achieved, I needed a new set of goals to strive towards. I think the difficulty in the beginning was that I attained so many new tools to work with, I had to get to know them first to be able to choose adequate and meaningful goals. That process of getting to know my own potential took so long. Suddenly I had access to a lot of money, to influential people, to seemingly endless knowledge and skills acquisition, and with all that the potential to do so, so many things. The only thing that I have less access to is time. So after months and months of proposing goals, assessing and readjusting them, I finally stand at the end of 2019 with my personalized concept of the "Big Five For Life". Allow me to introduce them at another time in a separate post.

I don't know, I feel like I have forgotten to reflect on some meaningful events this year. But I also feel like it's a good time to proceed with some simple resolutions for 2020 now. So here's to myself:

• Document your life more in 2020! Drop more posts in whatever form on whatever platform. Do it for the memories. Do it for yourself! You enjoy self-reflection so much, you need something to work with. Maybe one documentation per month?
• Experience the process of starting a social project by pulling through with your two ideas of optimizing PJ-teaching and establishing a network of Vietnamese doctors. Doesn't matter if those projects succeed or fail. Do it for the valuable experience. You will never run out of ideas, so work on what you're lacking right now - that is, experience.
• Finish your thesis. Push whoever you need to push, bother whoever you need to bother. Get.It.Done. At the least, you need to see a concrete, definite end this year. 

As for one or two other resolutions, they shall be kept in private, as usual. :P 

The year 2019 was so fascinating, I can't wait for 2020 already. 

Way Too Many Thoughts On My Mind These Days

Hey.

Guess what: Unlike the prediction in the previous post, here I am again, but not to write about some drama because a life update was too boring. I'm seeing a new pattern of "reasons to be writing" though. That is, to procrastinate on my dissertation thesis... Oops. But then again, yesterday I just watched a video about "Habits of successful people" and firstly, they praise creative writing, and secondly, they promote strategic procrastination. Obviously, I am being strategic in my procrastination by taking up creative writing instead of academic writing right now. (Or I am just making up excuses for myself.)

Anyway, enough of the rambles. The past couple of weeks have been intense weeks with respect to my mental muscles. In other words, I have been thinking a lot about various things, thanks to a number of different input sources. For the sake of a better overview, let me make out a list first. In no particular order.
1.) Communication skills. In particular, how to make others genuinely consider your viewpoint.
2.) Systems of morality and values in life. Philosophy versus/and religion.
3.) A 10-year goal for me to work on (or the lack thereof).
4.) My personal moral system for the medical profession.
5.) My fear of hurting the people I love or should be loving.
6.) My issues with love and commitment.

And now a few more details about each point.

1.) Communication skills. In particular, how to make others genuinely consider your viewpoint.
This is actually something that I'm occupied with for a long, long time already. I am thinking more intensely about it these days because Bach is also working on it, and him sharing his new thoughts and ideas surely helps me develop mine. Without going too much into details (way too many things to talk about, and I haven't even systematically looked at them yet), I can sum up the following points in regard to how to persuade people:
- Make them feel that you understand their view first and foremost. Techniques for that include active listening by paraphrasing and stuff, but I guess it's also important to simply remember that you should always genuinely try to understand others' viewpoint anyway.
- Ideally, make them come up with doubts about their own ideas. The Socratic method of asking questions that are likely to get a "Yes" as an answer, and to raise doubt only with those kind of questions organized in a smart way is a difficult but effective technique.
- Have patience. As always, lots of patience.

2.) Systems of morality and values in life. Philosophy versus/and religion.
Most people who have the habit of reflecting do that to become better versions of themselves. But what does being a "good" person mean to each and everyone of us in the first place? Where do we base our notions of morality on? I am getting in more contact with faith, in particular Christianity these days, so this opens up an entire new view that is very exciting for me to discover. Probably not in a sense that I will get converted anytime soon, but uncharted waters always have a certain charm, isn't it so? At the same time, I am really investing more time into learning about different philosophical concepts. For both things, Bach is again somewhat of an influence. (I can't believe how quickly things can change... About ten years ago he was the one to always gets influenced by me. I can't say I mind the current situation though.) Anyway, the point is, if religion and existing philosophical concepts are two ways to guide your way of living, I refuse to put everything in following either. Each and every pre-existing concept has a huge flaw of being conjured up in very different times, and the more complex a concept is, the more ideas it will have that are not applicable to our current times. This applies to the bible, but also to the two philosophical entities that I really like: confucianism and stoicism. Maybe it doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with outdated ideas. Maybe it's just my critical mind that does not agree in total with any complex "living guide" provided by someone else's mind. I can agree with a lot of things, follow a lot of opinions, get inspired by a lot of ideas but I have yet to find something that convinces me in each and every detail. Maybe I really wish to find something like that, but perhaps it's also not too bad to stay extremely critical as to how to lead a life as a "good" person. A couple of days ago, the thought came into my mind that this actually means that I need to build up my own philosophical system. Based on the ideas of others, containing some of my own, but it will be the way I think is the best way to live my life. And maybe, my way can inspire others to live theirs, too.

3.) A 10-year goal for me to work on (or the lack thereof).
I have come to the appalling realization that I no longer have a long-term life goal to work on. My ultimate goal is always clear to me, that is, to live as a good person, but that's not what I mean. I mean the kind of goal that sets a bigger picture you strive towards for five to ten years, like climbing Mt. Everest, or go watch every Grand Slam one after the other, like one of my friends told me the other day. It doesn't necessarily have to be something super fancy, but it needs to be so great you can't reach it as of right now, yet realistic enough to motivate you working towards it everyday. I need to think of mine. I want mine to not just be about myself this time but to have an impact on other's lives in a positive way, and the two things that come to my mind spontaneously are teaching (because I love teaching) and Vietnam (also because I love Vietnam). These two do not necessarily have to be connected, but my goal will contain at least one. What that goal will be, I do not know yet. I only have some vague ideas, and I will definitely need to sit down, think of my dreams some more, and pull the dreams down to earth a little bit. I will report once I have something more tangible.

4.) My personal moral system for the medical profession.
To be finally working as a medical professional also means to be finally working with people more than books, and suddenly I am much more sensitized to ethics in medicine. (This also makes me think, is a "togetherness" with other living creatures the root of ethical discussions? Will there be ethics and morality to someone who lives shut out on an island without any other person? Would it make a difference if there were animals or not? Holding that thought for another day.) Either way, I am seeing ethical conflicts more clearly in my daily routine in the clinic, which makes me realize I need to step back and re-think more in detail about what kind of doctor I want to be. To be prepared and to have clearly set goals is always better. This might be incorporated into my upcoming philosophical conception, so sit tight. It all may take a little while though...

For points 5.) and 6.), I think I will just leave it at that. For one, it's rather a bit too private to share publicly, and for two, I think I have (strategically) procrastinated enough. :P Fingers crossed for a less abrupt ending next time. ✌