That 2019 Lookback

It's quite amazing how we're already nearing the end of 2019 and with that, also the end of the second decade of the 21st century. Even though years and decades are human constructs and should not pressure us into doing things within the borders of that construct, I do think it is quite nice to have an end and a beginning as an occasion to self-reflect. I kind of ditched that "tradition" of end-of-the-year reflections two years ago, but this year was so eventful that it really seems worth doing a lookback. So here it goes.

Let me try to put things in chronological order. The very first event that pops up in my mind when I think of the beginning of 2019 is my trip to Vietnam. I spent about one month in my home country, writing my thesis while spending time with family and some friends. Also important to me, I finally experienced Tet holidays in Vietnam again after 13 years or so. But honestly, as of this very moment, I cannot recall too many things about it... I think bringing my thesis home was my big mistake. Writing my thesis is always latently stressful, and with that always at the back of my head, I wasn't able to fully enjoy the Vietnamese experience. I left Vietnam feeling rather sad and quite regretful, so that's definitely something I should learn from for the future.

Coming back to Germany around March also meant diving into Work Life for me. Starting work is definitely the greatest new experience for me this year. I was able to learn so much for the past ten months, and that learning certainly exceeds sheer professional knowledge but includes so many other things as well. I will have to lay them out one by one in the next sections. Considering the work aspect alone I can confidently say that I am really happy where I am. I feel comfortable with my team, my colleagues and my superiors, and the work of being a doctor itself brings me great joy.

For the first half of 2019, my relationships recorded more novel events in the family department. For one, Lucy came into my life, and she keeps cuddling herself deeper and deeper into my heart (that'd be cheesy-me speaking). For two, Van and Lena are two additions into our big family that I both treasure. Bach went and is going through a hard time but at least he's around right now, and quite honestly the few months during summer when he was at his personal best, I was able to learn to love so many more sides of him. That of course, made me grow as well. Last but not least, our grandparents visiting for 3 months during late summer was an important family event as well. This year, now that I am looking back at it, held so much family bonding time than every year ever before. That's definitely something very valuable to me.

The non-family relationships gravitated towards the latter half of the year. Standing in the center of course are my relationships at work, and I am so happy to have that little bit of luck to be able to turn that normal collegiality into genuine friendships. Also, Marie decided to come over to Leipzig and that is such a huge bonus point, not to mention Elis, who also settled down in Leipzig and started in the same hospital as me. So my social circle became really stable rather quickly, which even surprised me a little bit. It opens up my time and effort capacity to expand that circle, which I continue doing even until now. We all know how I enjoy different input from different people. That's the reason I went out regularly with our students who always come and go, joined a tennis club in September, and keep conjuring up plans to meet other non-medical people with other common interests. The goal, as I read from a book I forgot the name, should be to engage oneself in a work-related and in a non-work-related group in one's free time. The new people I've met through those activities this year are mostly really interesting ones, and with some, there is even genuine potential for developing deeper connections (troublesome enough, also something I have a craving for).

Some experiences with deeper and more earnest human connections have taught me great lessons this year as well. Those experiences are valuable to me in a sense that they helped me understand my subconscious thoughts, my needs and my way of loving much better. I reflected in great detail the way I handled some difficult relationship problems. One of the prominent things that I am satisfied with is my effort in showing vulnerability. It takes courage to be vulnerable, I tell you. I doesn't come easy to me, at all, but I am getting there slowly. Even though it was tiring to go through times when the heart had to take blows, I still think that it's all worth it, for the moments that the heart could flutter. But that's not a new realization to me, now is it? What's new is rather my positive confidence I was able to gain after those difficult times, particularly in the way of handling love without the constant fear of hurting the people I hold dear. I feel like I got a step closer towards tackling my commitment issues, and maybe, the time will soon come when I am ready to give myself a chance at really intimate and profound bonds again.

And then there's another great "milestone" I need to mention. It took me several months of pondering until I finally succeeded in identifying my "new" life goals sometime around December this year. Without having clear goals in front of my eyes, it always feels like I just live my days off while wandering around aimlessly. Until last year, the goal was to finish med school and know where I want to start off from. That was a semi-longterm goal I followed for such a long time. But once that was achieved, I needed a new set of goals to strive towards. I think the difficulty in the beginning was that I attained so many new tools to work with, I had to get to know them first to be able to choose adequate and meaningful goals. That process of getting to know my own potential took so long. Suddenly I had access to a lot of money, to influential people, to seemingly endless knowledge and skills acquisition, and with all that the potential to do so, so many things. The only thing that I have less access to is time. So after months and months of proposing goals, assessing and readjusting them, I finally stand at the end of 2019 with my personalized concept of the "Big Five For Life". Allow me to introduce them at another time in a separate post.

I don't know, I feel like I have forgotten to reflect on some meaningful events this year. But I also feel like it's a good time to proceed with some simple resolutions for 2020 now. So here's to myself:

• Document your life more in 2020! Drop more posts in whatever form on whatever platform. Do it for the memories. Do it for yourself! You enjoy self-reflection so much, you need something to work with. Maybe one documentation per month?
• Experience the process of starting a social project by pulling through with your two ideas of optimizing PJ-teaching and establishing a network of Vietnamese doctors. Doesn't matter if those projects succeed or fail. Do it for the valuable experience. You will never run out of ideas, so work on what you're lacking right now - that is, experience.
• Finish your thesis. Push whoever you need to push, bother whoever you need to bother. Get.It.Done. At the least, you need to see a concrete, definite end this year. 

As for one or two other resolutions, they shall be kept in private, as usual. :P 

The year 2019 was so fascinating, I can't wait for 2020 already.