Overcoming Differences

Well here I am again. This time saying hello from the land far to the east (again) called China. Well, from the East Coast, or from Shanghai to be more precise. China is kinda big.

This is actually the first year I haven’t written a New-Year-Blogpost… What happened?! Well there’s a first to everything, I say. Change is inevitable, and keeping up a tradition takes more effort than one would think. But some things do not change so easily, like me being in Asia again (😅), or me coming back to this blog when I want to get something off my chest.

Before I get to the matter that led me here in the first place, I would like to say that it’s not like I don’t have any resolution for this year. It’s rather that I have too many plans that are already laid out quite in detail, and goals that are so clear in front of my eyes, I don’t have to write them down. Some are also a bit repetitive, and some are not to share openly on the internet. 😋

With that being said, now comes the thing that I have been thinking about lately. I have come to the realization that I still suck at dealing with difficult people. Like most people, I think I consider people difficult when they are just gravely different from myself. I always take pride in myself being rather on the open-minded side of the tolerance spectrum, but I guess I have to reconsider.

There’s a notion, or a “code” I might call it, that I have been living by when it comes to accepting others: If someone chooses to do something they’re comfortable with, as long as it does not restrict the freedom of others, they shall do so without being judged for it. In short, I like nice people, no matter how eccentric they seem, but not so much unkind ones. I thought it was a quite good code, until I meet with people who do not fit the code and I can’t just avoid them. I think I do give them the benefit of a doubt at first, or at least I try to understand the reason why they are the way they are. But so often that reason is not one I find convincing! I realize that I do start to judge them; I feel dissatisfied with their behavior, to the point of feeling anger, even more so when I see others hurt by it. And then I simply can’t like them anymore.

And let me tell you that I really do not, do not like to not like people.

Usually I will avoid people like that before I come to dislike them, but that’s not always an option. Come to think of it, I’m not sure avoiding them is even a good solution. On the one hand, I am aware that one can’t just single-handedly change the world, much less (!) other people. On the other hand, ignoring others because of differences sounds quite wrong to me! I’m just thinking, for example, in a political setting, if you ignore other opinions, the whole system will not work. It is quite possible in everyday life, but whether it’s a good thing is another question.

I recently watched a TED Talk by a guy who promotes listening to people one disagrees with. It sounds like a given to me until I realize to what extent he goes with his statement. He, being a scholar of African-American descent, actually sought the conversation with very, very openly racist journalists. His sole motive was to understand their point of view better. He exited the conversations maybe even more convinced of their disagreement, but obviously he also gained some understanding that he found rewarding, or he wouldn’t have kept doing it. I am not sure how to think of it, to be honest. I would also seek a conversation, or discussion, at first, but I am afraid that my patience will run thin really fast. Especially with opinions that just seem plain wrong, or even morally reprehensible to me. So okay, after a conversation, you might understand their position better (without being any abler to condone it), but then what? You can’t change them if they don’t want to be changed, and putting yourself through disagreements again and again is just soooo tiring. Maybe my thinking is very solution-oriented, but I just can’t help it. What’s the point of doing or thinking about anything if not to improve something? (Oh I know some who would disagree. :P)

A suggestion I received from a friend of mine is to focus less on the differences, and start finding some common ground first. It’s actually a really nice approach. I very much agree with her statement that you can find some commonness with everyone, even the person most different from yourself. But I have been trying that, and it’s really much easier said than done. It’s not hard to find something, but just something is often not enough to go on from. It takes a lot of time and effort (from both sides) to discover enough common ground, especially if the differences are so prominent from the beginning on…

So what do you do if the other person is not interested in finding common ground with you? What if the other person does not possess the skills needed for constructive discussions, or the slightest interest in having a conversation at all? For one, you could avoid them. But what if you can’t, or regarding that particular person, you don’t want to? It just comes to me that I have forgotten about the almighty action of all: to love. Oh gosh, it sounds so cheesy, haha. 🙈 But doesn’t love trump all? I know this is also again easier said than done. None of us is Buddha, for heaven’s sake. To give love to someone who is, in one’s eyes, morally reprehensible? To give love to someone who does hurtful things to others?

But what if love is the most powerful thing, if not the only thing, that can actually change someone? Didn’t I positively come to this conclusion last year already?

Well, I think I need to pause here. It was a journey for my mind, too, to process thoughts in real-time with my writing. I might come back to edit this blog entry later. Also I think I need to explore the idea of loving as the solution to overcoming differences, thinking about how to apply it to the few instances I’ve encountered lately. And maybe I have to reassess my judgement, I guess, to see if I have become too self-righteous.

But all that for another time. My dissertation thesis is waiting for me…