Greetings from my beautiful home country, dearest (almost forgotten) blog. It's been a while, hasn't it? Even though I really hope to not open the next ten blog posts this way, it might just be pie in the sky.
Today, I am writing for several reasons. One, I am procrastinating on my thesis (again, sadly). Two, I want to update you (and my future self) on the state of life I am in right now. And three, the good old reason that brings me back to this blog rather often: I am having some thoughts I feel like sharing. So yes, I am sitting in a cute cafe somewhere in Hanoi again, sipping on Vietnamese "nâu nóng" and pondering on thoughts, while a kitten grazes about my legs. I can't really complain.
But now let me get straight to business. The last time I visited Vietnam was three and a half years ago. It didn't feel like that long of a timespan until I caught up with some friends and realized how much I missed out on their lives. I also didn't realize how hard I missed out on my own changes until I started noticing how differently I feel about Vietnam... I used to feel so at home, and with Hanoi, especially in love with every single detail. I used to (some would say, blindly) like all Hanoian traits, no matter how badly despised by Vietnamese from other regions. I used to see all the positive sides of Vietnam and Hanoi, even in the negative things. But now... I have become older, I have grown tired. I guess. I'm not sure if I like it.
Interestingly, I don't think Hanoi or Vietnamese people changed that much. It is all just me. The same issue, for example, with how Hanoians treat each other, or the tone people use to speak to one another, I have seen and understood years ago. I remember I even wrote a blog entry about it. Back then, I didn't mind the harsh words people used and instead focused on how well people treat their friends and family. Now, I do mind the tone and language. Especially seeing how the people in my immediate social circle increasingly become what would be called "hách dịch" in Vietnamese, I am not surprised by the way things run around here. But I do want to note something about the German way as well. Maybe it's me and not just a "German" thing (I have to say it, because Germans can get petty), but without the German influence, I wouldn't be this way. That is to say that the friendliness Germans value so much is sometimes too superficial for my own liking, too. I caught myself red-handed how I, out of habit, greeted an unacquainted old woman on the street in my rural hometown, but diverted my gaze away so fast I totally ignored her greeting back. To be fair, someone greeting me back instead of looking puzzled happens once in a blue moon, but still, it sure does feel like I could be a bit more sincere with my greeting. Well yeah, to think about it, it probably is more a "me" thing, maybe a "city people" thing, than a German thing. (But the thing about German friendliness being sometimes too superficial for me still applies.)
Anyway, the second issue I am having thoughts about is... ideology. Especially around Lunar New Year, the traditional, Confucious-inspired way of thinking is even more apparent in everyday life. And large parts of Confucian philosophy is my jam, if you haven't noticed. But the content that is propagated is so different from reality, it even hurts me a bit to see. Cái gì mà ngay thẳng, cái gì mà trung thực, cái gì mà thanh liêm. It's a bit sad, a bit frustrating.
Well, I would elaborate a bit more if I had more time. I have an appointment now, but I surely have to go back and do some more thinking, because it would be rather regretful if I left Vietnam this time feelings this depressed about something I used to love so much.
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