I finally found a dissertation thesis to work on. My employer will be the director of the neuropathology institute. I'll be researching about brain tumors, isn't that the shit? I don't know about other people but that topic fascinates me so much, I can't believe I really got the job and will start working there in summer. I'm not dreaming about revolutionarily finding a new therapy concept for brain tumors - no, just the thought of "getting involved in the scene", learning more about it and maybe, just a little bit, contributing to some scientific epiphany of my supervisor (who I hope will be the revolutionary one) sounds exciting enough to me. I'm still super motivated even for lab work, so I hope it won't turn out to be as bad as the stories everyone tells to warn me beforehand.
It's like studying medicine - everybody says it's hard but I'm having so much fun with it that the 'hard' part doesn't even really occur to me. Of course I have my up and downs, but not ever did I regret, not even for a second, that I have made the decision of taking up med school. So if lab work can provide me just as much fun, I believe I won't be discouraged so quickly as people are afraid of. (Even though knowing my patience span, I do have to worry a little bit. But we will see, the answers will come in summer when I really start working.)
Apropos summer, my grandparents are coming to Germany for three months, starting in May and they'll be staying till August. Even if I probably won't see them much, I still can't wait for it. It will be an awesome time for them and my family.
On another quite positive note, I have started and currently am keeping up with a steer of my lifestyle into the healthy department. I'm eating a lot healthier, I pay attention to squeeze in excercising time between school and other life duties, I sleep more, etc. The hardest part is of course planning healthy meals since I'm just a natural food lover, and food includes junk food. But the upside of loving food is also that I love every kind of food, which means I get satisfied with healthy food, too. Having cheat days for junk food makes junk food even better, though the past week I have allowed myself a little too many of them. We'll see how well I can manage the food thing when I'll be home at my mom's for the whole next month... :-s
Well, so that's that. Two of my 2014 resolutions are being handled quite well. But coming to the less exciting stuff... I'm still feeling so stuck with myself. Stuck and caged in my own world. Most of the time I want to be alone now. But then not really. I'm having a phase of not wanting people - or just the few I'm always around lately - around me. It's definitely nothing personal against them, hell no, it's all just me. The other day, I read somewhere that people who moved a lot in the past tend to have deep-rooted commitment issues. I really wonder if that's exactly what is happening to me.
Having to say goodbye too often, I may have developed it into a habit or worse, an essential part of my life. How long have I stayed in Giessen? This is the third year. How long have I seen the same people, done the same stuff over and over again? Already two years. That's my rhythm exactly. Since I was seven, that is the exact time span I stay at one place before moving to another. And shit do I feel caged now that change isn't happening to me.
Gosh, this sounds so unfair to the people who befriended me for the past two years. I'm such a jerk. I appreciate all of them, of course, but I can't help but to feel caged. If I had a choice, I would chose to be normal and be content with the things I get. Because damn, all my relationships here are great ones! But no, I have to feel caged, I have to want to break free, I have to destroy it all for no valid reason. I kind of have given up on the idea of having a best friend, something I used to long for, because well, I'm not material for any kind of long-lasting relationship. People call this phenomenon emotional crippledness.
Some change is going to happen to me soon, though. I have decided to take one semester off for my dissertation. This will shift my studying environment quite a bit. This is the best solution I can come up with, and it comes in handy for other things like having time to apply for scholarships and stuff, too. To solve a problem, either change yourself or influence your surroundings. Changing myself is the only way to solve the roots, but that's so much harder and isn't going to happen anytime soon. Mainly because I just don't know how...
But hey, the bright side of changing my environment is that having a little distance always betters my relationships. It has applied to every single one of my personal bonds with people. Even with my family. I have always been quite close to my parents, but ever since me living far away, we've had the best relationship ever.
I also hope that once I feel less stuck, I will turn back into the nice, kind, friendly, helpful, non-judging version of myself. Now I'm mainly just grumpy to people and at the end of the day, when I look at myself, I just think, "man, I acted exactly like the type of person I used to strongly dislike." Yep, that's me the past few weeks.
Admitting it here and now is the very first step to stopping it. I will try and be less of a jerk, I promise. Because I'm actuall a really nice person, I swear. T_T
So hey 2014, don't run so fast. I still have to work on a lot of stuff, okay?
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