What Does It Mean to be a Good Mom

It's been almost two months of being a stay-at-home mom for me. On one side, it is greatly rewarding to see our little Benni grow each day, but on the other side, I really do struggle with the "stay-at-home" part. Taking care of a baby all day does wear me out, mostly mentally.  My mood is going back and forth between enjoying the lack of need to be productive on the one hand, and being frustrated because I cannot be as productive as I want to on the other hand. I keep thinking that I am not cut out to be a "good" mom in its traditional meaning. I cannot be at home taking care of children and housework all day and feel accomplished afterwards. Even though I was aware of this even before Benni was born, I did not expect me to get close to my limits this soon. 

Don't get me wrong - I love spending time with my son. I love seeing his tiny hands slapping his own face in an absolutely uncoordinated fashion, I love the baby sounds he makes when he looks about the room, I love the giggles he randomly produces during his sleep while looking so peaceful. He is the cutest human being on earth. And I am aware that this state of cuteness won't last a lifetime, so I really do appreciate every moment that I have with him right now. But all this doesn't change the fact that just watching him all day is not enough for me to feel fulfilled. 

I wouldn't say that I consider myself a bad mom. I think my definition of what a good mom should be is just different from most people's. I still want to be heavily involved in my son's life and his growing up. But I need some balance between raising a child and following other dreams. And I need this balance not after a year of staying at home - I need it much sooner. One reason why I am confident that I'm not a bad mom is my willingness to go through the stay-at-home phase for as long as there is no good alternative for Benni. Fortunately, the time where there is absolutely no alternative for a mom during the entirety of 24 hours a day is very limited. I would say that's probably the case for the first few days (when the mom needs to be really close to the baby for her own sake too) and whenever the baby is sick. At other times, it shouldn't be a problem to have somebody else taking care of the baby - be it just an hour for the mom to do something not baby related. Of course, for this to work, there needs to be a good dad and probably other family members around. A bit later, a good babysitter will be crucial. 

I don't know - is this thinking too naïve? I still think my child won't have mental issues just because somebody else takes care of him for a couple of hours a day while he is two months old. I will still be his person of reference - that is important to me too. I have to regularly assess whether or not our bond is still strong enough, and if there is any sign of trouble, everything else will have to make place for bonding time. That is how I want to approach this. Because just "enduring" staying at home and feeling frustrated regularly isn't a good option. Only a happy mom will be a good mom. 

At some point of time in the future, I'll go back to this blog post and either be really proud or really reproachful of myself... 

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A short report of some facts around Benni's birth - for the memories: 

1. Benni waited patiently for me to finish two exams and one presentation before starting labor. This child, really. Six hours after my last study session, within the first few minutes after I went to bed, the first contraction kicked in. It was around 10:30 on 05th March 2022. 

2. Dilating pains were really uncomfortable, but with the breathing techniques I learnt, it was manageable. We waited at home until the contractions set in every five minutes for two hours, and drove to the clinic. At that time, my cervix was already at 9cm. 

3. Expulsive pains were intense, but not as uncomfortable as dilating pains, mainly because I could actively do something (press!) and not just passively lying around waiting for the pain to pass. But even under expulsive pains, my water wouldn't break, so the midwife had to perform an amniocentesis. And then because contractions were not frequently enough, I had to get an oxytocin drip, too.

4. After what felt like three days (but was about three hours) with me seeing no progress whatsoever, I finally felt Benni's head between my legs. It wasn't until then that I actually believed the midwife and Tobi that Benni was indeed coming out slowly. The midwife said Benni will be delivered at any moment and called a doctor before my next contraction. Then I was supposed to suppress pressing midway during the upcoming contraction, for perineum protection. But Benni had other plans. With the very first pressure of the next contraction, his whole body came shooting out like a rocket, including the rest of the amniotic fluid - and everything landed on my poor midwife. Guess we had exhausted Benni's patience by then. 

5. We spent hours in the delivery room as a family afterwards. That was real luxury I think. And I'm very thankful that Tobi could accompany me and actively participate during the whole labor process. I didn't swear at him at any point but did "abuse" his hands with squeezes. I think that was an intense experience for him too. 

Well, after all the complaints I went through - from pregnancy to delivery to puerperium, really can't say that I enjoy any of it - I still am really happy to have a little human to raise, and I'm not even reluctant to do it all over again. That alone should give me some confidence that I am not born a bad mother... 

Pregnancy Thoughts (probably hormone-driven)

I realized just how hard it is to find time to write blog posts when you're a working adult with a family. Only now that I'm staying home due to the pregnancy is when I have time for writing again. And even then, my thoughts revolve around our baby most of the time (if I'm not concentrating on some work stuff). I think I just want to put some of my thoughts and feelings surrounding pregnancy and baby on paper, for the memories, you know. 

The decision to get a baby did not come out of the blue on a drunken night but was actually calculated very carefully by us. It might seem quite early in our relationship, but both Tobi and I were sure we're in for the long term, so once we started planning for my fellowship abroad in 4-5 years, it seemed apt to get that baby planning started, too. What can I say - we were rather lucky because the baby-making process succeeded on the first go. 😛So we became pregnant while still being invested in both of our workplaces, which certainly had an influence on how we handled the whole pregnancy. Under no circumstances did I want to become a full-time pregnant woman too soon, of this I was sure from the beginning on. As long as it was physically and legally possible, I wanted to continue working. And that's exactly what I did for the first seven months of pregnancy. Luckily, I wasn't pestered with nausea or fatigue. Even though flatulence and bloating were really uncomfortable, it wasn't bad enough for me to want to stay home. It wasn't until my back pain became more severe and walking was an every day torture that I finally listened to everybody else and decided to stay home 3 weeks earlier than the start of my maternity protection leave. 

And with staying home finally came the time I was able to really look forward to our baby. With my belly being huge and the growing discomforts impossible to ignore, the thoughts that we were about to have a little human being living with us very soon became more and more present. And no matter how often I hear the somber warnings of sleepless nights and extreme fatigue that might come with a crybaby, I can't help but to just feel genuine happiness and positive excitement. I guess it's the hormones. 

Now I'm in my 35th week, I'm starting to get swollen feet and symphysis pain, but what keeps me going is the prospect of holding our little man in my arms, having him become acquainted with Lucy, going on vacation with him, and really, seeing him being loved by his daddy, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, which will make me love them even more. All in all, this baby is just going to be a bundle of love, and that's something I am willing to trade all physical discomforts for, no doubt about it. 

I actually want to write a little bit more, but time is running out. Hopefully, I can come back in a couple of months to write about how our little man will have actually changed our lives. Now I just can't wait. :)

A Slice of my Current Life

Hello, here I am, finally.

I don't know how many times I've said I needed to write again until I actually ended up being here. Well, this is a sign that not much has changed in the past couple of years. Speaking of changes though, no one can really leave out the biggest change in 2020 so far: the Covid-19 pandemic. SARS-CoV-2 has turned the life of pretty much every single person on earth around. For me personally, the most impactful effect was that all the quarantine measures put a sharp brake on my very fast-paced life. For the first time since forever I had so much spare time to actually watch a tv show, take an online course, but also to experience an unfulfilling weekend being completely non-productive. Just because socializing and going to events fell entirely out of my schedule. Had I not been forced into quarantine, I wouldn't have realized how much I was missing my "me-time".

Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm not having too much "me-time" at the moment. I don't feel uncomfortable yet, but not seeing anyone outside of the family for longer than a month does not sound right in my books. I guess I'll have to pull myself together soon. It's not like I don't enjoy the company of my friends, right? It's all about finding balance, as usual.

Since the beginning of April, I've taken a break at inpatient service and switched to taking care of outpatients specifically for clinical trials. It's a different approach at patients and at my clinical advancement, which will remain exciting so long as it remains unfamiliar to me. Though I don't think I'll really get bored even when getting acquainted with everything, because the other half of my work will consume much of my energy and thoughts. I'm starting my own research project. Yup, you heard it right. I'm really giving lab work another try, and only because my supervisor managed to convince me that it'll run smoother than how my dissertation thesis went. And well you know me, it is so easy to get me pumped for something. Right now, I really do fancy the thought of a scientific career - for one because of my genuine nerdy interest in science, and for two, it really is indispensable for becoming a leader in my clinical field. Scientific reputation will open doors for me to have vast opportunities and the might to do things I really want to do, even if that ultimate goal (unlikely) focuses on plain research one day.

So yes, right now I am channeling my mind on stepping closer to one of my "Big Five for Life", namely becoming an expert in the medical field I chose - Rheumatology. Indirectly, I will thereby come closer to two other goals of the Big Five, too. And while doing so, I won't forget the other two unrelated goals either. How can I, when I see my Big Fives every morning stuck on the wall of my sleeping room. At least the frequency of me waking up with a huge hungover and a fogged mind is dramatically reduced and does not pose as a hindrance at all these days. :P

I'll call it a day now. Hopefully I'll be back soon with either good news or a truly interesting topic to talk about.

That 2019 Lookback

It's quite amazing how we're already nearing the end of 2019 and with that, also the end of the second decade of the 21st century. Even though years and decades are human constructs and should not pressure us into doing things within the borders of that construct, I do think it is quite nice to have an end and a beginning as an occasion to self-reflect. I kind of ditched that "tradition" of end-of-the-year reflections two years ago, but this year was so eventful that it really seems worth doing a lookback. So here it goes.

Let me try to put things in chronological order. The very first event that pops up in my mind when I think of the beginning of 2019 is my trip to Vietnam. I spent about one month in my home country, writing my thesis while spending time with family and some friends. Also important to me, I finally experienced Tet holidays in Vietnam again after 13 years or so. But honestly, as of this very moment, I cannot recall too many things about it... I think bringing my thesis home was my big mistake. Writing my thesis is always latently stressful, and with that always at the back of my head, I wasn't able to fully enjoy the Vietnamese experience. I left Vietnam feeling rather sad and quite regretful, so that's definitely something I should learn from for the future.

Coming back to Germany around March also meant diving into Work Life for me. Starting work is definitely the greatest new experience for me this year. I was able to learn so much for the past ten months, and that learning certainly exceeds sheer professional knowledge but includes so many other things as well. I will have to lay them out one by one in the next sections. Considering the work aspect alone I can confidently say that I am really happy where I am. I feel comfortable with my team, my colleagues and my superiors, and the work of being a doctor itself brings me great joy.

For the first half of 2019, my relationships recorded more novel events in the family department. For one, Lucy came into my life, and she keeps cuddling herself deeper and deeper into my heart (that'd be cheesy-me speaking). For two, Van and Lena are two additions into our big family that I both treasure. Bach went and is going through a hard time but at least he's around right now, and quite honestly the few months during summer when he was at his personal best, I was able to learn to love so many more sides of him. That of course, made me grow as well. Last but not least, our grandparents visiting for 3 months during late summer was an important family event as well. This year, now that I am looking back at it, held so much family bonding time than every year ever before. That's definitely something very valuable to me.

The non-family relationships gravitated towards the latter half of the year. Standing in the center of course are my relationships at work, and I am so happy to have that little bit of luck to be able to turn that normal collegiality into genuine friendships. Also, Marie decided to come over to Leipzig and that is such a huge bonus point, not to mention Elis, who also settled down in Leipzig and started in the same hospital as me. So my social circle became really stable rather quickly, which even surprised me a little bit. It opens up my time and effort capacity to expand that circle, which I continue doing even until now. We all know how I enjoy different input from different people. That's the reason I went out regularly with our students who always come and go, joined a tennis club in September, and keep conjuring up plans to meet other non-medical people with other common interests. The goal, as I read from a book I forgot the name, should be to engage oneself in a work-related and in a non-work-related group in one's free time. The new people I've met through those activities this year are mostly really interesting ones, and with some, there is even genuine potential for developing deeper connections (troublesome enough, also something I have a craving for).

Some experiences with deeper and more earnest human connections have taught me great lessons this year as well. Those experiences are valuable to me in a sense that they helped me understand my subconscious thoughts, my needs and my way of loving much better. I reflected in great detail the way I handled some difficult relationship problems. One of the prominent things that I am satisfied with is my effort in showing vulnerability. It takes courage to be vulnerable, I tell you. I doesn't come easy to me, at all, but I am getting there slowly. Even though it was tiring to go through times when the heart had to take blows, I still think that it's all worth it, for the moments that the heart could flutter. But that's not a new realization to me, now is it? What's new is rather my positive confidence I was able to gain after those difficult times, particularly in the way of handling love without the constant fear of hurting the people I hold dear. I feel like I got a step closer towards tackling my commitment issues, and maybe, the time will soon come when I am ready to give myself a chance at really intimate and profound bonds again.

And then there's another great "milestone" I need to mention. It took me several months of pondering until I finally succeeded in identifying my "new" life goals sometime around December this year. Without having clear goals in front of my eyes, it always feels like I just live my days off while wandering around aimlessly. Until last year, the goal was to finish med school and know where I want to start off from. That was a semi-longterm goal I followed for such a long time. But once that was achieved, I needed a new set of goals to strive towards. I think the difficulty in the beginning was that I attained so many new tools to work with, I had to get to know them first to be able to choose adequate and meaningful goals. That process of getting to know my own potential took so long. Suddenly I had access to a lot of money, to influential people, to seemingly endless knowledge and skills acquisition, and with all that the potential to do so, so many things. The only thing that I have less access to is time. So after months and months of proposing goals, assessing and readjusting them, I finally stand at the end of 2019 with my personalized concept of the "Big Five For Life". Allow me to introduce them at another time in a separate post.

I don't know, I feel like I have forgotten to reflect on some meaningful events this year. But I also feel like it's a good time to proceed with some simple resolutions for 2020 now. So here's to myself:

• Document your life more in 2020! Drop more posts in whatever form on whatever platform. Do it for the memories. Do it for yourself! You enjoy self-reflection so much, you need something to work with. Maybe one documentation per month?
• Experience the process of starting a social project by pulling through with your two ideas of optimizing PJ-teaching and establishing a network of Vietnamese doctors. Doesn't matter if those projects succeed or fail. Do it for the valuable experience. You will never run out of ideas, so work on what you're lacking right now - that is, experience.
• Finish your thesis. Push whoever you need to push, bother whoever you need to bother. Get.It.Done. At the least, you need to see a concrete, definite end this year. 

As for one or two other resolutions, they shall be kept in private, as usual. :P 

The year 2019 was so fascinating, I can't wait for 2020 already. 

Way Too Many Thoughts On My Mind These Days

Hey.

Guess what: Unlike the prediction in the previous post, here I am again, but not to write about some drama because a life update was too boring. I'm seeing a new pattern of "reasons to be writing" though. That is, to procrastinate on my dissertation thesis... Oops. But then again, yesterday I just watched a video about "Habits of successful people" and firstly, they praise creative writing, and secondly, they promote strategic procrastination. Obviously, I am being strategic in my procrastination by taking up creative writing instead of academic writing right now. (Or I am just making up excuses for myself.)

Anyway, enough of the rambles. The past couple of weeks have been intense weeks with respect to my mental muscles. In other words, I have been thinking a lot about various things, thanks to a number of different input sources. For the sake of a better overview, let me make out a list first. In no particular order.
1.) Communication skills. In particular, how to make others genuinely consider your viewpoint.
2.) Systems of morality and values in life. Philosophy versus/and religion.
3.) A 10-year goal for me to work on (or the lack thereof).
4.) My personal moral system for the medical profession.
5.) My fear of hurting the people I love or should be loving.
6.) My issues with love and commitment.

And now a few more details about each point.

1.) Communication skills. In particular, how to make others genuinely consider your viewpoint.
This is actually something that I'm occupied with for a long, long time already. I am thinking more intensely about it these days because Bach is also working on it, and him sharing his new thoughts and ideas surely helps me develop mine. Without going too much into details (way too many things to talk about, and I haven't even systematically looked at them yet), I can sum up the following points in regard to how to persuade people:
- Make them feel that you understand their view first and foremost. Techniques for that include active listening by paraphrasing and stuff, but I guess it's also important to simply remember that you should always genuinely try to understand others' viewpoint anyway.
- Ideally, make them come up with doubts about their own ideas. The Socratic method of asking questions that are likely to get a "Yes" as an answer, and to raise doubt only with those kind of questions organized in a smart way is a difficult but effective technique.
- Have patience. As always, lots of patience.

2.) Systems of morality and values in life. Philosophy versus/and religion.
Most people who have the habit of reflecting do that to become better versions of themselves. But what does being a "good" person mean to each and everyone of us in the first place? Where do we base our notions of morality on? I am getting in more contact with faith, in particular Christianity these days, so this opens up an entire new view that is very exciting for me to discover. Probably not in a sense that I will get converted anytime soon, but uncharted waters always have a certain charm, isn't it so? At the same time, I am really investing more time into learning about different philosophical concepts. For both things, Bach is again somewhat of an influence. (I can't believe how quickly things can change... About ten years ago he was the one to always gets influenced by me. I can't say I mind the current situation though.) Anyway, the point is, if religion and existing philosophical concepts are two ways to guide your way of living, I refuse to put everything in following either. Each and every pre-existing concept has a huge flaw of being conjured up in very different times, and the more complex a concept is, the more ideas it will have that are not applicable to our current times. This applies to the bible, but also to the two philosophical entities that I really like: confucianism and stoicism. Maybe it doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with outdated ideas. Maybe it's just my critical mind that does not agree in total with any complex "living guide" provided by someone else's mind. I can agree with a lot of things, follow a lot of opinions, get inspired by a lot of ideas but I have yet to find something that convinces me in each and every detail. Maybe I really wish to find something like that, but perhaps it's also not too bad to stay extremely critical as to how to lead a life as a "good" person. A couple of days ago, the thought came into my mind that this actually means that I need to build up my own philosophical system. Based on the ideas of others, containing some of my own, but it will be the way I think is the best way to live my life. And maybe, my way can inspire others to live theirs, too.

3.) A 10-year goal for me to work on (or the lack thereof).
I have come to the appalling realization that I no longer have a long-term life goal to work on. My ultimate goal is always clear to me, that is, to live as a good person, but that's not what I mean. I mean the kind of goal that sets a bigger picture you strive towards for five to ten years, like climbing Mt. Everest, or go watch every Grand Slam one after the other, like one of my friends told me the other day. It doesn't necessarily have to be something super fancy, but it needs to be so great you can't reach it as of right now, yet realistic enough to motivate you working towards it everyday. I need to think of mine. I want mine to not just be about myself this time but to have an impact on other's lives in a positive way, and the two things that come to my mind spontaneously are teaching (because I love teaching) and Vietnam (also because I love Vietnam). These two do not necessarily have to be connected, but my goal will contain at least one. What that goal will be, I do not know yet. I only have some vague ideas, and I will definitely need to sit down, think of my dreams some more, and pull the dreams down to earth a little bit. I will report once I have something more tangible.

4.) My personal moral system for the medical profession.
To be finally working as a medical professional also means to be finally working with people more than books, and suddenly I am much more sensitized to ethics in medicine. (This also makes me think, is a "togetherness" with other living creatures the root of ethical discussions? Will there be ethics and morality to someone who lives shut out on an island without any other person? Would it make a difference if there were animals or not? Holding that thought for another day.) Either way, I am seeing ethical conflicts more clearly in my daily routine in the clinic, which makes me realize I need to step back and re-think more in detail about what kind of doctor I want to be. To be prepared and to have clearly set goals is always better. This might be incorporated into my upcoming philosophical conception, so sit tight. It all may take a little while though...

For points 5.) and 6.), I think I will just leave it at that. For one, it's rather a bit too private to share publicly, and for two, I think I have (strategically) procrastinated enough. :P Fingers crossed for a less abrupt ending next time. ✌

My Life Without Drama

Dearest blog, aren't you just a little bit tired of me coming to you to deposit all my heavy thoughts and feelings, or rather snippets of them, and then leaving for months and years, only to come back and do the same thing over and over? I know I would be tired. But has there been anything I succeeded in really sustaining commitment so far...?

Well, things are about to change. Or rather, things have to change. I started practicing commitment by getting a puppy. By general definition, an eight-year-old, 40-kg-heavy dog wouldn't be termed a puppy, but we're not going by general definition anyway. When I look at Lucy, a see a puppy. A big, very big puppy, but a puppy nonetheless. So a puppy she is. We've been together for about four months, and things are going great so far. But now I am starting to work - a big change for both of us obviously - so we have to see how things will turn out to be.

This brings me to the other news I'd like to share with you. Yes, I am finally starting as a real doc, working in the Rheumatology department as I wanted. I can't really tell you much more, because it was my third day today, and all I've seen are orientation/introductory lectures. The highlight of which was a lecture by one of the attendings in the Mibi department, who looked and spoke exactly like Edna in The Incredibles. And I met my colleagues, who are all really fun and nice to be with so far, so I really do not have anything to complain about. I will probably come running to you the first time I have a crisis, which most likely will be a reality check that just won't fit with my idealist bum. Well, we'll see.

It's nicer to think about family, because we're having new recruits. My cousin just joined the Big House and will stay for at least a year, starting her studies here in Leipzig. My auntie, who is only a three years older than me, is delivering a baby in a couple of days. Exciting times it is for all of us, as you can tell. All this makes me happy because the part in me that loves new input, including people, hasn't changed one bit. In addition to family recruits, I am also making new friends at the workplace. That's still in the early stages so I can't tell who I'll be close to, but I am confident they'll enrich my life quite well. I will also try to enlarge my social circle outside of work, but one step at a time, I would say. Once I settle in a bit at work, I'll choose a sports place to join in.

Well, that was a non-dramatic update of my life. Maybe in a couple of days, I'll realize this is way too boring and go back to only coming for the drama again. Haha, we'll see. Peace out, bloggie!

A Rather Sad Hello From Vietnam

Greetings from my beautiful home country, dearest (almost forgotten) blog. It's been a while, hasn't it? Even though I really hope to not open the next ten blog posts this way, it might just be pie in the sky.

Today, I am writing for several reasons. One, I am procrastinating on my thesis (again, sadly). Two, I want to update you (and my future self) on the state of life I am in right now. And three, the good old reason that brings me back to this blog rather often: I am having some thoughts I feel like sharing. So yes, I am sitting in a cute cafe somewhere in Hanoi again, sipping on Vietnamese "nâu nóng" and pondering on thoughts, while a kitten grazes about my legs. I can't really complain.

But now let me get straight to business. The last time I visited Vietnam was three and a half years ago. It didn't feel like that long of a timespan until I caught up with some friends and realized how much I missed out on their lives. I also didn't realize how hard I missed out on my own changes until I started noticing how differently I feel about Vietnam... I used to feel so at home, and with Hanoi, especially in love with every single detail. I used to (some would say, blindly) like all Hanoian traits, no matter how badly despised by Vietnamese from other regions. I used to see all the positive sides of Vietnam and Hanoi, even in the negative things. But now... I have become older, I have grown tired. I guess. I'm not sure if I like it.

Interestingly, I don't think Hanoi or Vietnamese people changed that much. It is all just me. The same issue, for example, with how Hanoians treat each other, or the tone people use to speak to one another, I have seen and understood years ago. I remember I even wrote a blog entry about it. Back then, I didn't mind the harsh words people used and instead focused on how well people treat their friends and family. Now, I do mind the tone and language. Especially seeing how the people in my immediate social circle increasingly become what would be called "hách dịch" in Vietnamese, I am not surprised by the way things run around here. But I do want to note something about the German way as well. Maybe it's me and not just a "German" thing (I have to say it, because Germans can get petty), but without the German influence, I wouldn't be this way. That is to say that the friendliness Germans value so much is sometimes too superficial for my own liking, too. I caught myself red-handed how I, out of habit, greeted an unacquainted old woman on the street in my rural hometown, but diverted my gaze away so fast I totally ignored her greeting back. To be fair, someone greeting me back instead of looking puzzled happens once in a blue moon, but still, it sure does feel like I could be a bit more sincere with my greeting. Well yeah, to think about it, it probably is more a "me" thing, maybe a "city people" thing, than a German thing. (But the thing about German friendliness being sometimes too superficial for me still applies.)

Anyway, the second issue I am having thoughts about is... ideology. Especially around Lunar New Year, the traditional, Confucious-inspired way of thinking is even more apparent in everyday life. And large parts of Confucian philosophy is my jam, if you haven't noticed. But the content that is propagated is so different from reality, it even hurts me a bit to see. Cái gì mà ngay thẳng, cái gì mà trung thực, cái gì mà thanh liêm. It's a bit sad, a bit frustrating.

Well, I would elaborate a bit more if I had more time. I have an appointment now, but I surely have to go back and do some more thinking, because it would be rather regretful if I left Vietnam this time feelings this depressed about something I used to love so much.
...

Overcoming Differences

Well here I am again. This time saying hello from the land far to the east (again) called China. Well, from the East Coast, or from Shanghai to be more precise. China is kinda big.

This is actually the first year I haven’t written a New-Year-Blogpost… What happened?! Well there’s a first to everything, I say. Change is inevitable, and keeping up a tradition takes more effort than one would think. But some things do not change so easily, like me being in Asia again (😅), or me coming back to this blog when I want to get something off my chest.

Before I get to the matter that led me here in the first place, I would like to say that it’s not like I don’t have any resolution for this year. It’s rather that I have too many plans that are already laid out quite in detail, and goals that are so clear in front of my eyes, I don’t have to write them down. Some are also a bit repetitive, and some are not to share openly on the internet. 😋

With that being said, now comes the thing that I have been thinking about lately. I have come to the realization that I still suck at dealing with difficult people. Like most people, I think I consider people difficult when they are just gravely different from myself. I always take pride in myself being rather on the open-minded side of the tolerance spectrum, but I guess I have to reconsider.

There’s a notion, or a “code” I might call it, that I have been living by when it comes to accepting others: If someone chooses to do something they’re comfortable with, as long as it does not restrict the freedom of others, they shall do so without being judged for it. In short, I like nice people, no matter how eccentric they seem, but not so much unkind ones. I thought it was a quite good code, until I meet with people who do not fit the code and I can’t just avoid them. I think I do give them the benefit of a doubt at first, or at least I try to understand the reason why they are the way they are. But so often that reason is not one I find convincing! I realize that I do start to judge them; I feel dissatisfied with their behavior, to the point of feeling anger, even more so when I see others hurt by it. And then I simply can’t like them anymore.

And let me tell you that I really do not, do not like to not like people.

Usually I will avoid people like that before I come to dislike them, but that’s not always an option. Come to think of it, I’m not sure avoiding them is even a good solution. On the one hand, I am aware that one can’t just single-handedly change the world, much less (!) other people. On the other hand, ignoring others because of differences sounds quite wrong to me! I’m just thinking, for example, in a political setting, if you ignore other opinions, the whole system will not work. It is quite possible in everyday life, but whether it’s a good thing is another question.

I recently watched a TED Talk by a guy who promotes listening to people one disagrees with. It sounds like a given to me until I realize to what extent he goes with his statement. He, being a scholar of African-American descent, actually sought the conversation with very, very openly racist journalists. His sole motive was to understand their point of view better. He exited the conversations maybe even more convinced of their disagreement, but obviously he also gained some understanding that he found rewarding, or he wouldn’t have kept doing it. I am not sure how to think of it, to be honest. I would also seek a conversation, or discussion, at first, but I am afraid that my patience will run thin really fast. Especially with opinions that just seem plain wrong, or even morally reprehensible to me. So okay, after a conversation, you might understand their position better (without being any abler to condone it), but then what? You can’t change them if they don’t want to be changed, and putting yourself through disagreements again and again is just soooo tiring. Maybe my thinking is very solution-oriented, but I just can’t help it. What’s the point of doing or thinking about anything if not to improve something? (Oh I know some who would disagree. :P)

A suggestion I received from a friend of mine is to focus less on the differences, and start finding some common ground first. It’s actually a really nice approach. I very much agree with her statement that you can find some commonness with everyone, even the person most different from yourself. But I have been trying that, and it’s really much easier said than done. It’s not hard to find something, but just something is often not enough to go on from. It takes a lot of time and effort (from both sides) to discover enough common ground, especially if the differences are so prominent from the beginning on…

So what do you do if the other person is not interested in finding common ground with you? What if the other person does not possess the skills needed for constructive discussions, or the slightest interest in having a conversation at all? For one, you could avoid them. But what if you can’t, or regarding that particular person, you don’t want to? It just comes to me that I have forgotten about the almighty action of all: to love. Oh gosh, it sounds so cheesy, haha. 🙈 But doesn’t love trump all? I know this is also again easier said than done. None of us is Buddha, for heaven’s sake. To give love to someone who is, in one’s eyes, morally reprehensible? To give love to someone who does hurtful things to others?

But what if love is the most powerful thing, if not the only thing, that can actually change someone? Didn’t I positively come to this conclusion last year already?

Well, I think I need to pause here. It was a journey for my mind, too, to process thoughts in real-time with my writing. I might come back to edit this blog entry later. Also I think I need to explore the idea of loving as the solution to overcoming differences, thinking about how to apply it to the few instances I’ve encountered lately. And maybe I have to reassess my judgement, I guess, to see if I have become too self-righteous.

But all that for another time. My dissertation thesis is waiting for me…

Building Walls is Never the Solution

What's up, world?

I just had my last test in med school, excluding the two State Exams coming up this October and November/December next year. It quite is a big deal for German med students; an occasion they celebrate with an excessive night-out drinking. I am surely not your regular med student, at least not anymore. Who else started the last test of their med student life oversleeping for an hour?

I just couldn't sleep last night, and I don't know why. I definitely wasn't too nervous about the test because I knew passing it was a piece of cake. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep a wink until three or four in the morning or so. I was supposed to wake up at seven, but did at 8:30. The test was planned for 7:30 - 9:00 am. So there you go. Within 5 minutes from waking up and realizing I was an hour late, I was at the test location and begged the supervisors to let me take the test, even though more than half of the students were done already. I must have looked so pitiful, because they allowed me to use the last 20 mins. Had I been anyone else, I might have hyperventilated and collapsed in my room and never made it to the test. My hands were shaking so bad when I put my pants on, but I managed to calm myself down and focus on the limited time that was left. I'm pretty proud of myself for how I handled that situation to be honest. Emotions are a shitty thing in situations of the like, and only a cool head is what is needed then. Of course, a lot of luck (both good and bad) were involved that were out of my circle of influence...

Anyway, tonight Gießen will experience another batch of drunk med students celebrating what they call "Scheinfrei", meaning the completion of all their compulsory courses/tests/exams, and thus their permission to take the State Exam, the last hurdle before coming a doc basically. I am not among them. All my friends have gone through that one and two semesters ago, and no one I'm close with actually has time to be my drinking buddy tonight. I will go to Köln and have a night out with Godi, my Lithuanian twin whom I probably won't see again anytime soon. Setting priorities, so to say.

It did take time for me to contemplate about what was the best thing to do tonight. It made me realize why I hate this day, and pretty much every other celebration-worthy day (like my birthday) so much. Maybe I've suppressed it too well before, but now the reason is just so crystal clear in front of my eyes: I hate those days because I am afraid to feel that no one cares. The bigger a deal the occasion is supposed to be, the more I am afraid. Feeling like no one cares hurts so fucking much.

If there's one feeling I shall be accustomed to, then it is the feeling that no one cares. Why? Because I have always been on the move since I was a child. The moment I built relationships that made me feel secure, I moved away. The people who cared couldn't care enough to defeat the distance. The people who were there just don't care enough. (Before I blame it all on my surroundings, I am aware that my commitment issues surely don't help.) Reactively, I built walls as high as the Burj Khalifa to protect myself. The six years in Gießen was the first time I settled down at a place for such a long time, and at some point, I was comfortable, I let my walls down, I actually changed. I didn't even hate birthdays as much anymore. Well, until this year. Until I extended my studies for two semesters and fell behind all my friends. Now there's a distance impossible to defy again for those who care a little, and those who are right there just don't care enough.

That's the reason I don't feel very well lately, I guess. I could be reactive again and build walls around myself, which I am on the brink of doing to be honest, but then again, I have read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and being reactive just isn't how I want to live my life anymore.  I have to do something, I have to change how I handle these things. I can't just sit there and wait for someone who cares enough to come along. I need to be proactive instead of reactive. What exactly that means I need to do, though, I still haven't figured out. Come to think of it, this was what kept me up last night. I was thinking about how I can change my life. Sigh.

Ah, you see, this thing with caring and all, it really is an issue. Because I know how much it sucks to feel the way I feel right now, I try to never make anyone experience it. That's why I invest into people, that's why it is so easy for me to love and care about others even though I just met them. If it comes to human connections, I always live in the moment. But I need to find a way to feel less hurt when I don't receive reciprocation. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends showed up after my last lecture, even though I went to theirs and even brought them champagne. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends ask about how my exams went because no one remembered, even though I don't forget theirs. I need to feel less hurt when I felt like shit and wished for certain close friends just to call and ask how I was, instead of always having to take the initiative. I just have to find a way to feel less hurt, without building walls. But I haven't figured it out. Yet.

I guess that's asking for a couple more nights of insomnia... :)

La La Land - A Trip to the Cinema

A popcorn and drinks holder - this is how Japanese people enjoy a movie in cinemas. The longer I stay in this land, the more I realize how the whole Japanese lifestyle revolves around convenience. This popcorn holder is just one of the many small things that were invented to make our lives easier. No more, "Can you just hold my drinks for a sec, I need to take off my jacket." This only happens here, this is Japan for you. :)

Today I walked around Osaka too much and my feet were killing me. So I decided to reward myself with a visit to the cinema, which was just a minute away from my hostel. (The vicinity bears the risk that a movie-lover like me might go there again tomorrow). I finally watched La La Land! And gosh, it was a beautiful movie. I've heard countless praises about it, but then almost as many disappointing reviews about how, "It was good, but it didn't live up to the expectations." I ended up going into the movie with not a lot of expectations, and that was a wise attitude. I enjoyed Emma and Ryan's performance thoroughly. Especially Emma's, as I truly think she is very deserving of her Oscar. As for Ryan, quite honestly, I couldn't take my eyes off of him during about any scene he wore that white shirt with a tie. Clean-dressed men are so easy on the eyes! His performance was good as usual, although for the first time ever, there was a brief moment where I thought his acting was a bit awkward. It was towards the end when Seb finished introducing the band that played in his club, the scene where his eyes caught Mia in the audience. It looked like it was shot fifty times and he's just not that surprised to see her anymore. lol

Anyway, I am quite positive that La La Land will be a classic movie with a lot of epic scenes that people will remember many years from now. Just like Grease. But watching a Hollywood movie in Japan also had me thinking, "This is so American!" Which of course, it is. But that also means that it might be forgotten sooner in Asia than in the Western countries. I am not so fond of stamping a label of "a gap in education" on someone because they haven't heard of a popular cultural reference. It shows a bit of ignorance from the accuser, really, because people might come from and/or are interested in other cultures than what you know. For example, when your parents and older siblings introduced you to the craze of Star Wars, my grandma bought me Vietnamese comic books called "Thần Đồng Đất Việt" about famous scholars in Vietnamese history. You know all the names of the Star Wars characters, I know a huge amount of the scholars' famous sayings. I never watched Star Wars, and you probably never heard of "câu đối" before. I will catch up on Star Wars though, when I have time. It's just not that high up my priorities list. :P

In the anticipation for the next big thing named Beauty And the Beast, one thing I have decided for sure is that I will show my kids all the classic Disney movies there are. I actually thought about starting a DVD collection of Disney movies, but a) It's really hard to do that when I haven't settled down and will move places a lot in the next 2 years, and b) Will we even be using DVDs when my kids are old enough to enjoy movies? I guess I should just buy some stock for myself and leave them at my parents' house, haha.

Ending it for now, because I am wayyyyy too sleepy!

Insomniac Thoughts on Thinking and Listening

Hello~

This is me writing again because I have insomnia. I am suffering from some serious muscle stiffness and it just wouldn't let me sleep. I have been tossing and turning for three hours by now, and still did not sleep a wink... As expected from my mind, when left with no active task to do, it occupies itself with countless thoughts. And that quite counterproductively adds to my insomnia tonight.

My brain's favorite exercise as of late is to analyse the contents of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. It is quite a gem to me. Among all the self-improvement books I've read in my life, this is the one book that convinces me more than any other. I have finished reading the book a couple of days ago, but I think at least another re-read and some more reflection/analysis are required for me to really be through with its content. I shall write another blog post dedicated to this book alone.

I know I haven't been active with writing lately. But a train of thoughts in bed just now brought me to the conclusion that it is quite crucial for me to start again. "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" had led to a major reflection process within myself, and among other things, I realized how bad I have become at listening. Luckily, I also suppose I have figured out the reason.

I have always been a heavy thinker with a constant need to express my thoughts, because I find expressing thoughts to be the best way to facilitate thinking progress. I have to lay out my thoughts; I have to see them, to hear them. Only then can I have something as close as possible to an overview of the complexity of my mind. This in turn enables me to think in an organized way, to add further thoughts or scratch some contradicting ones, and to develop new ideas. I used to spend a lot of time on laying my thoughts out in texts. Nowadays, this time is dramatically cut down on, and I end up laying my thoughts out when talking to people instead. Sadly, the need to share my thoughts comes at the price of my ability to listen. I used to be a much better listener when I frequently processed my thoughts through writing, and entered a conversation as an thoughts-already-processed listener.

It is somewhat ironic that part of my motivation to become a better listener is drawn from my dissatisfaction of other people's listening habits. Most people are too consumed with their own thoughts, own problems, own interests, own world to truly want to listen to and understand other people (hey, not entirely excluding myself here). The only time most of us really listen is when someone speaks about something we also care about. I don't know how many times I tried to breach a topic I had been thinking about and the other person just didn't give a response, be it verbally or non-verbally, and just started another topic after a few moments of silence. My emotional connection with that person suffers a serious blow every time that happens, really. I do think I always show more interest when I am in the shoes of the listener, but that can also just be attributed to my sheer thirst to have more stuff to think about, or if I want to put it in a nicer way, my openness to learn about new viewpoints and ideas.

With all that being said, I am aware of the peculiarity of my thinking habit. Or rather, the breadth in which I do it. It's hard to find another person who is willing to keep up with my thoughts. Most of them just end up not listening anymore at some point. It's not that bad though, because some still listen, and those are either people who are similar to me, or people who are truly good at listening. Especially when one-sided listening turns into a conversation, I feel very satisfied - for the lack of a better word - afterwards. It's just that those cases are so rare.

Sometimes, I tell people that I tend to overthink. I guess I should stop doing that from now on, because it's not true. I don't overthink, I just like thinking a lot. The former creates problems, the latter is what makes life meaningful, in my opinion. I won't change that I think a lot, and while doing that, I will also try to add one more person - myself - to the group of rare good listeners.

For now though, I need to get some sleep first. :P

Doctors Are The Worst Patients (?!)

We're on the eve of Lunar New Year and I feel like I just rose from the dead. 💀😅

No, seriously. A stupid virus took me down a couple of days ago, somewhat out of the blue, and my defence was clearly not prepared. Let me take you through the disease history.

On Tuesday afternoon, I joined my Prof in the Lupus Clinic and had a pretty good time. Towards the end, however, I was feeling a bit chilly around the throat, the typical feeling I get when a cold was approaching. I was like, "Aww, no, not again!" But I pulled a jacket over myself and went home to get a hot cup of tea, a homeopathic measure that usually helps in cases of the like.

Except this time, it didn't help much.

By 10 pm that night, I felt pretty worn out and the throat thing was getting worse. So I sent my parents a good night message early and went to bed, already thinking that I probably won't make it to work the next day. Within that same night, a headache worse than any headache I'd ever had in my life became my prime issue. Please note that I don't usually get headaches, and when I do, I can endure them pretty well. I'm quite a tough girl when it comes to pain in my head, and I pretty much never take any medication against them. But the headaches this time nearly killed me, and I seriously considered taking some Ibuprofen. (It's just that I didn't have any when it was the worst, and by the time anyone could help me buy some pills, the headache was not strong enough for me to take painkillers anymore.)

Either way, I struggled through that first night while not even being able to lie down because the elevated pressure was just too much for my head. When I woke up (and assumed it was) the next day (not sure to be honest, because the headache was too crazy), I was beginning to worry if I had not contracted a meningitis. I mean, severe headache with (possible) fever (again, not sure coz I didn't have a thermometer and the thermosensors in my hands were not quite accurate because I felt cold one minute and hot the next), coupled with mild flu-like symptoms but no significant sore throat and/or a running nose? What else could it be?

So I tried one of the meningism exams where I try to put my chin on my chest and see if it hurts. No pain. I tried to recall any incident where I could possibly catch some meningitis-causing bacteria. Well, I did go to the hospital every day. But rheuma patients aren't exactly the cohort of bacteria spreaders. Then again, I did have contact with some other virus-ridden ill people the days before... So my bet was on a viral meningitis, if it was a meningitis at all.

Epidemiologically seen, most viral meningitis are caused by viruses that can't be eliminated by any medication. The only thing to do in those cases is to support your body in finishing the virus off, by resting and resting and maybe having some vitamins, and maybe, just maybe, having some painkillers if the pain is too much. I was doing exactly that. Of course, I couldn't be 100 % sure that it wasn't something bacterial, or a virus one could do something about (in the case of Herpes simplex), so I had to keep observing the disease progression. For the next 24 hours or so, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, my phone never far away in case I needed to dial "000". I could never keep being awake for too long as the headache would just take over, always only enough time to drink something, to go to the toilet, or at the later stages cut me some watermelon for vitamin C.

Every moment I could think, I remember chanting in my head, "Go T-cells, go. Do your job!" Which is extremely nerdy, lol. I was determined if I didn't improve on Thursday, I would go to a hospital. But luckily, I did. The headaches, while still being pretty bad, were getting slightly better, and I could actually walk around for half an hour before the pain took over again. That was around the time when I finally had the strength to make some food and brief my parents about what was going on. Unsurprisingly, mom immediately scolded me about not taking any meds. Well, I needed to observe the disease progression, didn't I, and how can I do that if I mask the very informative headaches with some painkillers? Anyway, mom informed my aunties, and I received some more calls and some more scolding. 🙊

Now it's Friday, the New Year's Eve of the Lunar New Year, and I am actually so well that I can write this lengthy story. So there you go. I still don't feel like stressing my body to go out yet, so I'm just sitting home while there's probably some big party going on in the city. But my condition is improving every hour, and I'm pretty sure tomorrow I can do some research work again.

I remember the last time I was really sick (bad sinusitis), I was whining to mom and asked her to come visit and cook for me. This time I was too sick to even whine to her. Even though I do wish to have my mom in vicinity during sickness, I know I can survive on my own. I think that's pretty important. It's good to receive help when possible, but you should never entirely rely on other people. Sounds a little bitter with life though, doesn't it?

Anway, another thing is that mom and I always argue when I get sick. I mean, I get that from a carer's point of view, you just want to do anything to see the sick person suffer less, and that might include seeing a doctor in any case, or pumping into them heaps of paracetamol. But it's also just natural for med-educated people to think, "Well, if I go see a doctor, they'll just check this and that (stuff I can do by myself), and most likely they'll just tell me to get home and rest and prescribe some painkillers (also stuff I can do by myself)." Ask any other med student or physician, and you'll now what I mean.

(Also, to be quite honest, I was dreading a possible spinal tap... 🙈)

So, are we not the worst patients in the world, or what? :P

(It's the year of the Rooster this year, that's my zodiac sign! Could only mean good things now, right? Not that I'm superstitious or anything. Anyway, happy lunar new year!)