Unorganized update of things on my mind

I kinda feel like shit right now. These past few days have been anything but easy for everyone, a crass rollercoaster of emotions I dare say. There are a few things that I have learnt from the issues, a few things I got reminded about again, a few things that are still bothering me and a few things I realized I need to analyze and think about.

I'm so confuzzled, I don't make any sense

I don't know what to say.

Love is the thing that fucks up friendship. And considering which one of the two usually lasts longer, I don't think it's worth it.

Yeah. I seriously hate how yesterday we were all happily hanging out, and today, nothing's the same anymore.

And once again, I realize just how much of a rational mind I have. I have improved over the last couple of years but still, I don't think I can ever turn into someone who listens more to the heart than the head. 

That's why I don't fuck up anybody's business. I only fuck up mine.

A conversation between siblings

Me and my bro in the bathroom, brushing our teeth. A small convo. It went down like this.

He: Chị bây giờ khác hẳn ngày xưa, chả giống tí nào cả.
I: Thế B thích chị hồi xưa hơn hay bây giờ hơn?
He (with a sing-song voice): "Früher war alles besser"~

I looked at him with wide eyes and he burst out laughing, me too. Just so you know, him quoting any kind of saying is as rare an incident as an emtpy Old Trafford stadium when Man U plays.

I: Nói thế chứ B thích c hồi xưa hơn thật hả?
He: Thì c hồi xưa còn hay đá bóng với B hơn. B nhớ hồi xưa mình hay đá bóng trên tầng 3 í.
I: À ừ nhà ở Đà Nẵng đúng không?
He giggled and nodded.
I: Đấy là tại nhà mình hồi đấy có cái sân rộng. Nếu bây h có sân rộng như thế thì c cũng đá bóng vs B thôi.

I then sighed.

I: Hồi đấy công nhận vui. C cũng thích nhất hồi ở ĐN. Với hồi c là "hồn ma" nữa.
He: Hí hí B còn nhớ hồi đấy c cãi nhau với bạn ở VN rồi còn hỏi B.
I (seriously shocked): Cái j? C hỏi B cái j?
He: Thì c toàn hỏi B mấy cái B k hiểu, kiểu như là c chia một bạn ra làm hai rồi c bảo c k thích một phần của bạn ấy, thế phần kia c có thích được k.
I: Hả? Là sao?
He: Thì B cũng đâu có hiểu đâu.

We both laughed like mad.

I: Thế B còn nhớ j nữa?
He: B nhớ c ấy này, B nhớ hồi xưa c nghỉ chơi vs c ấy rồi c chơi vs c Miu.
I (shocked tập 2): What the... Sao cái đấy B cũng biết???
He (laughs): Thì c kể mà!
I: Thế c kể cái j nữa?
He (smirking): C kể nhiều lắm.
I: Thế mày nhớ hết à?
He (thật thà): B k nhớ hết nhưng mà B còn nhớ nhiều lắm.
I (face-palming): Thôi chết thật, thế này về sau mày blackmail được c mất...
He (ngơ ngác): Blackmail là sao ạ?
I: Ôi may quá, nó không biết blackmail là gì hehe.

And we burst out laughing again.

The convo went on with some more private content, and we kept laughing like kids (wait, we will forever be kids when we're at home with our parents). I'm not going to share everything on a public blog, but the point is:

Seriously. My family. Just love ♥.

Friendship

This weekend I spontanously decided to visit my parents and somehow, I ended up going through my 'friends-cupboard' again. My very own 'friends-cupboard' is the place where I store all the letters, messages and gifts I've received from my friends over the past ten years or so. It's a very extensive collection, and all the more precious to me.

Oh, Hamburg!

I had a woooooonderful 3-day trip to Hamburg with my mom last week. We made some mommy-daughter memories with a lot of funny but also very fail moments. It was just really, really great overall ^^

Horror

I'm back in Gießen now for a 2-day internship at my uni's Institute of Forensic Medicine. I've been looking forward to it a lot actually, considering the fact that Forensic Medicine has always been the medical field I was the most interested in.

But well. To be honest, I was a little disappointed. I was able to witness two autopsies, nothing more. One of a man who died because of a heart attack and the other of a woman who probably killed herself by over-consuming addictive drugs (as in, Heroin). One corpse took like 2 hours to get done with, and by the end of the two cases, my feet were killing me T_T

I don't know, maybe I was expecting too much? I mean, in the end, it is still much cooler than watching a surgery. A normal surgery is quite a routine thing where everything happens the way it always happens and you'll realize after (at the latest) the third time that you won't get to see anything new or exciting (unless something goes wrong, but no one hopes for that).

With autopsies, each corpse is a mystery and you never know what to expect.

For example the woman we examined today, she looked fine from the outside but when we opened up her belly, she reeked abnormally horrible. Turns out she must have had an unknown mesenterial infarct which left the last third of her small bowel clearly irritated and totally destroyed the first half of her large bowel, leaving quite the nasty sight of necrotized enteric tissue. And then there was the content of her bowels. At first it was some kind of bright red soup, then the soup turned brown-red and ended up as a deep red, partly black mess that looked and smelled like diarrhea. Yuck.

(This is totally beside the point but I can never understand how anyone would want to become a gastroenterologist. You'll always have to deal with the nastiest of the nastiest, and you could easily catch a norovirus while treating patients and you'll end up having to deal with your own unstoppable pooping. Ew much?)

But yeah, as exciting as my first day at Forensic Medicine may sound, I still wasn't satisfied. Though, I'm not sure what I really want. Perhaps corpses with worse condition? Something that would really freak me out?

I never thought I was the kind who's like, overly brave or like, immensely immune to horror and fear but the past few days made me really question where my limits are. I mean, I went home after two autopsies and even dared to think of the word 'boring'. I watched three horror movies with Quynh (The Ring, Scream 4 and The Exorcist) and we either laughed watching it, or I fell asleep watching it. The only times I jumped was when Quynh next to me jumped/shrieked (typical her) and startled me.

I mean, hello? What's wrong with me? Or is the standard horror of the world just not enough for my foolhardy self?

Now I just... really wanna be horryfied for once, just for fun.

Bring it on, peeps. >:/

Anyone?

Lack of empathy, serial killer qualities, overcoming bribe temptations, ignorance vs conceitedness and maybe more

My compulsory internship of 3 months has officially ended, woohoo! Beside from the little things here and there I have learned, the biggest accomplishment I've achieved is the absolute realization that I'll never go after a nursing job. Wiping behinds for helpless old grandpas and grandmas is a very admirable thing to do but I'm not that benevolent, I'm sorry. /:) Either way, to actually have to go through with it and hate it as much as I did made me appreciate the work of the nursing staff even more. I'll make sure to never treat any of them wrongly in the future.

Actually, during the internship, my dislike for nursing activities became so strong that I started to question my compassion towards other people. Then I look back and realize like, 'Hey, remember the previous internship when you saw the very first grandma dying? You had that look on your face, everyone thought you were emotionally affected, but it was just sheer professional interest and a little bit of fascination, too.'

Do I not only lack empathy but am I a pyscho too? I mean, it fits the profile of a serial killer. You know, the fascination for death and all that.

Another tiny revelation about the person I am

My back has been killing me for the past few days. The nurses always tell me taking up their job is probably the worst thing you could do to your back but I never thought mine would be affected this quickly. Well, you know how they say back pain is a sign of getting old? Maybe that's what's happening to me. Beside having thoughts that are too old for my own age, I apparently have the health of a grandma too. Awesome.

Anyway, here's something I need to put on the record.

It happened on Tuesday. Since then I am running around with a shattered iPhone display. The hell I'm gonna kiss my phone goodbye. Money is the main reason. I plan on waiting till next year when I visit Vietnam and having it fixed there, much cheaper of course. And then there's this odd thing about the whole incident: ever since I dropped my iPhone, my back starts to hurt like crazy. Is it just coincidence? Or is there some kind of conspiracy I'm not aware of? You know how there are puppets who look like a human being and when you hurt it, the person it stands for feels the pain too? Maybe there's a connection between me and my iPhone. Who knows...

Hey, don't judge me.

Being a writer is my only excuse for this stupid thought. Even if I'm a noob, I will never deny my love for writing (and the mild craziness that comes with it). And on that note, I'm gonna work on an unfinished story now and then go to bed. Good night!

Koblenz

Quynh came back to visit me last Friday and we travelled to Koblenz on the next day for its city festival. She knows two guys there who showed us around and even offered a place to stay for the night, as so we did. It was an interesting trip overall and some of the details are coming now.

Yesterday I ranted, today I rambled

I should be sleeping now but surprisingly, tonight I feel more awake than ever. Well, not really. As I was typing that sentence, my eyelids were falling down like a curtain covering my eyesight.

For the past twenty minutes, I've been typing out text and deleting it again, all because what I wrote didn't make sense. I have a lot to get off my chest, but I just don't know where to start. That's actually a huge problem of mine, because I obviously am so lost without a plan, or a structure to go by. It just shows how OCPD and unflexible I am. Everything I do needs a plan. Every plan of mine needs to be structured. And when without warning, I get a big bag of FREETIME thrown at me, my first reaction is to have no reaction at all because it just doesn't fit in my already existing plan. I need my time to adjust, to figure out how to use that freetime in the most efficient way, to logically structure the to-dos (I always find things to do. Me getting bored with freetime is like Batman joining powers with Joker to destroy Gotham City. It just doesn't happen.)

The irony lies in the fact that despite me being so organized on the outside, the thoughts inside my head are chaos in person. That's why I have such trouble getting anywhere with this blog entry tonight, for example. I just think too fast for myself sometimes, jumping from one thought to another faster than light, and when I type or speak out those thoughts, my fingers or mouth just can't keep up. What I get in the end are fragments of thoughts that just don't seem to connect. I can make sense of those fragments perfectly fine, thank you, but other people who aren't in my head? Not so much.

Really, if I ever were to become a lawyer, I would so need to have a list of all my arguments pre-structured or better yet, having set up a simulation for what was going to happen in court. So that I wouldn't lose control of the happenings. And there we come to the next problem: I am a freaking control freak. Freaky, isn't it? An overly organized control freak, that's me. I'm still in awe at how my friend Quynh managed to survive one and a half month living in my house. Well, apart from me being a super nice and helpful and generous and funny and endearing person, I can pretty much make your life a living hell. When things don't go my way, I can get pretty pissed. And I'm sure people don't want to get on my bad side very much. Oh no don't get me started on that. I think I have to come to terms with me being a pretty fierce gal after all; a coy and sweet image just doesn't do my personality justice.

But then again, it's hard to describe myself with just a few words, really. I'm actually glad I've come back to my multi-faced self. I just have so many sides to my personality, it helps me be able to click with almost everyone. Did I just say something positive about myself? Oh God, I did. It's not that I can't cope with being an optimist or anything, but I thought I wanted to rant about the bad, bad things of my character tonight...

Maybe, with this, I should just end the entry and go to bed... (it's really just an excuse because damn, I'm sleepy.)

Great. The chunk of text now makes just so much more sense than the ones I deleted earlier. //eyeroll at self

Now good night!

Short rant before bed time

So... my attempt to live up to that "Happy Gas" title can officially get labeled as a big, fat FAIL. I always come back to this blog when I have depressing thoughts to share :(

I was reading the previous entry about how awesome my first hospital internship was, all the while regretting why I sacrificed one month of internship here in Gießen, at the university hospital. The working atmosphere just isn't the same: the docs are too busy to at least act like they enjoy their job, the nurses like to bully me (well some of them) and the patients are starting to get on my nerves...

I don't sound like a promising up-and-coming doc, do I? Well let me sum it up for ya: Whatever fascination my first hospital, HELIOS, elicited in me, my uni hospital UKGM just managed to damage and destroy. I don't want to elaborate on the entire matter because it would probably cost me a whole hour and more of my precious sleep, and believe me, it's not worth it.

I just had a very shitty day. :(

As usual, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And with the things that happened today, I just realized a few more things about myself, my personality and my goal of striving to become a good person. I really would like to share it now, but time's up and sleep comes first. I'm not gonna promise to come back tomorrow and continue the post like in the previous entry, because I know I'm not gonna keep that promise anyway. And really, since when have I become a promise breaker?

See, all my efforts to live up to my ideal personality is going down the drain. And the worst thing is, I have nothing to blame that on. I'm rambling, I know. I'm just gonna get some sleep now and continue a more structured rant some other time... soon.

First week of my hospital internship

My first week as an intern at a hospital has officially ended and I've been pretty much unable to think or talk about anything irrelevant to it. I'm going to continue in German because firstly, I need to practise my probably weakest language, and secondly, there will most certainly be too many terms I can't translate into the international language yet.

Nach dieser ersten Woche hat sich meine Überzeugung darin, dass Medizin DAS Fach ist, wofür ich bestimmt bin, nur noch mehr verstärkt. Ich bin so fasziniert von allem was ich sehe, dass ich jetzt kaum noch aufhören kann, meinen Mitmenschen diese Faszination versuchen nahe zu legen.

Ich arbeite also in einer Station der Inneren Medizin, spezialisiert für Herz- und Lungenkrankheiten. Insgesamt gibt es 30 Betten in der Station, es dürfen aber nur 23 belegt sein wenn ein Weaning-Patient vorhanden ist. Weaning, habe ich erklärt bekommen, ist das An- bzw. Abgewöhnen eines Patientens an eine Beatmungsmaschine. Da das Atmen mit Druckluft sehr unangenehm und zudem sehr anders ist als das normale Atmen, erfordert sowohl das Abnehmen als auch das Ansetzen einer Maschine viel Übung. Der Patient wird an einem Monitor von einer Krankenschwester 24/7 überwacht, d.h. also, dass eine Schwester fast nicht von dem Patient wegkommt, was dann natürlich auch erklärt, wieso nur 23 Betten in so einer Situation belegt sein dürfen.

Wie ich zur Kenntnis genommen habe gibt es 3 Schichten für Krankenschwestern, die Früh-, Spät- und Nachtschicht, wobei in den ersten beiden Schichten 4 Schwestern da sein müssen, in der letzten aber nur 2. Es gibt auch Zwischenschichten, aber mit denen kenne ich mich noch nicht so aus. Ich wurde die ganze letzte Woche in das Frühschicht-Team eingeteilt, und es sieht so aus, als wird das für die nächsten 3 Wochen ebenfalls der Fall sein. Nach 3 Tagen habe ich jedenfalls die Routine der Frühschicht erkennen können.

Für die Schwestern fängt die Schicht um Punkt 6 Uhr an mit der Patientenübergabe. Hierbei bekommen sie von den beiden Nachtschicht-Schwestern erzählt, was die Patienten in der Nacht gemacht haben, und was für   Untersuchungen welche Patienten am Tag vor sich haben. Um 6:30 Uhr fängt das Bettenmachen an, d.h die Schwestern gehen in die Zimmern und wecken alle auf, machen Betten und helfen den pflegebedürftigen Patienten mit dem Waschen. Ich durfte die ersten beiden Tagen beim Waschen (Rücken und Popo abwischen, Windeln wechseln, etc... -_-) mithelfen, danach aber wurde ich währenddessen immer zum Wiegen geschickt ^_^ Dann werden Insulin-pflichtige Patienten mit Insulin gespritzt bevor das Frühstück ausgeteilt wird. Ich darf immer die Tabletts von Patienten, die nüchtern bleiben müssen, aus dem Esswagen rausstellen und dann Essen austeilen, Drinks servieren. Bis man die 16 Zimmern durch hat und auch noch Omis und Opis, die nicht selbst essen können, gefüttert hat, ist auch schon Zeit, das Geschirr wieder einzusammeln. Der Esswagen steht also spätestens halb neun vor dem Fahrstuhl am Eingang zur Station. Um die Zeit fängt nämlich das Schwestern Frühstück an. Das ist wahrscheinlich das uninteressanteste (aber trotzdem wichtiges) Event des Tages für mich, weil die Schwestern die ganze Zeit von Fischen reden. (Jeden Tag, um Himmelswillen, jeden Tag. Irgendwie hab ich immer Schicht mit Schwestern gehabt, die zuhause mindestens zwei Aquarien haben. Und die Mehrzahl von Aquarium heißt bei ihnen Aquariums, total lustig xD). Naja, um 9 fängt jedenfalls die Visite der Stationsärzte an, da muss immer eine Schwester mit einem Doktor mit, und die anderen machen anderen Kram, bzw. Praktikantin Ich darf rumlaufen und bei allen Patienten den Blutdruck sowie die Temperatur messen. Am Anfang wurde mir natürlich beigebracht, wie man Blutdruck mit der Manschette misst, jetzt wo ich das aber schon kann soll ich mit dem Messgerät messen, weil das offensichtlich schneller geht. Nach einer Runde messen ist dann meistens Ruhe, wenn was großes passiert, dann nur das Patienten zu Untersuchungen wie Röntgen, CT, Endoskopien geschickt werden. Und das ist so was von der Highlight des Tages für mich, weil da darf ich meistens mit und zugucken, und das ist der Zeitraum, in dem ich das meiste lerne und am meisten fasziniert werde. Ich muss einfach sagen, dass ich so was von Glück habe, so nette Ärzte zu begegnen. Sie nehmen sich alle wirklich Zeit, mir alles zu erklären. Ich kann einfach nicht aufhören, von ihnen zu schwärmen xD Ich find die Ärzte doch einfach toll~ Naja dann zurück zur Routine, um 12 muss ich immer zurück sein um Mittagessen auszuteilen. Danach wieder Mittagessen einsammeln und einige kleine Dinge tun wie z.B. Blutproben ins Labor bringen, Urinmenge bei Patienten mit Blasenkatheter aufschreiben und ablassen, solche Sachen. Meistens wird mir nach 12 langweilig, und ich würde liebend gern wieder zur Funktionsdiagnostik oder zur Endoskopie runter und zugucken, aber die Ärzte sind immer bis 14 Uhr in der Besprechung, wo sie die ganzen Patientenfälle besprechen und Therapien und sowas planen. Keine Ahnung. Ich glaub kaum, dass ich da mal reinschauen darf. Würd ich aber lieben gerne tun :P

Das war's erst mal zur Routine der Frühschicht im Krankenhaus. Ich muss ins Bett :3 Morgen geht's weiter mit dem bloggen, we're not finished here!

Another night where I can't concentrate on anything

Can I give myself permission to use English this time? It's always been the one and only language I feel most comfortable to express myself in... Don't ask me why.