I should be sleeping now but surprisingly, tonight I feel more awake than ever. Well, not really. As I was typing that sentence, my eyelids were falling down like a curtain covering my eyesight.
For the past twenty minutes, I've been typing out text and deleting it again, all because what I wrote didn't make sense. I have a lot to get off my chest, but I just don't know where to start. That's actually a huge problem of mine, because I obviously am so lost without a plan, or a structure to go by. It just shows how OCPD and unflexible I am. Everything I do needs a plan. Every plan of mine needs to be structured. And when without warning, I get a big bag of FREETIME thrown at me, my first reaction is to have no reaction at all because it just doesn't fit in my already existing plan. I need my time to adjust, to figure out how to use that freetime in the most efficient way, to logically structure the to-dos (I always find things to do. Me getting bored with freetime is like Batman joining powers with Joker to destroy Gotham City. It just doesn't happen.)
The irony lies in the fact that despite me being so organized on the outside, the thoughts inside my head are chaos in person. That's why I have such trouble getting anywhere with this blog entry tonight, for example. I just think too fast for myself sometimes, jumping from one thought to another faster than light, and when I type or speak out those thoughts, my fingers or mouth just can't keep up. What I get in the end are fragments of thoughts that just don't seem to connect. I can make sense of those fragments perfectly fine, thank you, but other people who aren't in my head? Not so much.
Really, if I ever were to become a lawyer, I would so need to have a list of all my arguments pre-structured or better yet, having set up a simulation for what was going to happen in court. So that I wouldn't lose control of the happenings. And there we come to the next problem: I am a freaking control freak. Freaky, isn't it? An overly organized control freak, that's me. I'm still in awe at how my friend Quynh managed to survive one and a half month living in my house. Well, apart from me being a super nice and helpful and generous and funny and endearing person, I can pretty much make your life a living hell. When things don't go my way, I can get pretty pissed. And I'm sure people don't want to get on my bad side very much. Oh no don't get me started on that. I think I have to come to terms with me being a pretty fierce gal after all; a coy and sweet image just doesn't do my personality justice.
But then again, it's hard to describe myself with just a few words, really. I'm actually glad I've come back to my multi-faced self. I just have so many sides to my personality, it helps me be able to click with almost everyone. Did I just say something positive about myself? Oh God, I did. It's not that I can't cope with being an optimist or anything, but I thought I wanted to rant about the bad, bad things of my character tonight...
Maybe, with this, I should just end the entry and go to bed... (it's really just an excuse because damn, I'm sleepy.)
Great. The chunk of text now makes just so much more sense than the ones I deleted earlier. //eyeroll at self
Now good night!
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