Caution: Don't Trust Me with Your Heart

Some things I've realized after my crisis the past week:

1. Title says it all.
2. I'm totally incapable of falling in love. I don't know when or if ever I'll be ready for it.
3. I have serious commitment issues, not just in partnerships but in all kinds of relationships, and I have no idea how to change that.
4. I'm like a bird, I only fly away.
5. Sometimes, I still let emotions rule my actions even if other people get hurt in the process. Need.to.be.more.rational.
6. My parents, despite their imperfections, are pretty much the best parents I can wish for.

My dad flew over from Vietnam and landed in Frankfurt this morning. I picked him up and we had breakfast together, meanwhile having the best talk we've ever had without mom. Talking to him helped me so much this time round because he's probably the only person who can (nearly) fully grasp the complexity of this particular situation of mine. Why? Because every shit I've been feeling is kind of a result from my personality's resemblance to his. Thanks, dad, for genetically transferring your problems to me... :P But also, thank you for always being there.

Crisis is almost over. Yay. :)

P.S.: I already feel sorry for all my future lovers. Take the title seriously.

Bạn với chả bè

Thế là mình đã đi học lại được hai tuần rồi đây. Chắc chắn những gì mình đã trải qua trong hai tuần vừa rồi không nằm trong mong đợi của mình, theo cả hai nghĩa tiêu cực và tích cực. Nói thế này thì sự tình nghe có vẻ nghiêm trọng quá, nhưng mình đang viết bài blog này trong tình trạng "feeling blue", so...

Nổi bật trong chuyện học hành là việc mình lại trở nên rất bận rộn, hoàn toàn đối lập với những "dự báo" của các anh chị đã từng trải sem 5. Cái này thì mình cũng chưa biết là mình nên đánh giá tiêu cực hay tích cực. Mình vốn thích bận rộn một chút mà, vì đối với mình cái cảm giác "being productive" hay hơn việc nằm ườn lười biếng cả ngày rất nhiều, nhưng sự bận rộn trong 2 tuần vừa qua thì... nói chung là nó đang tiến rất gần đến stress. Mà stress thì không bao giờ tốt cả. 

Chắc tuần tới mình phải bỏ đi nghe giảng mấy môn thôi. Như môn Nội chẳng hạn, mình đã rất hí hửng chờ đợi môn này nhưng mà đến nay thì mới có đúng một giáo sư mình thấy thực sự giảng hay. Môn patho thì ông giáo sư dạy hay (lại đẹp trai trông như Derek Shepherd) chỉ dạy hai tuần đầu thôi huhu T_T Môn vi sinh thì tạm được. Chẹp. 

Thêm vào đấy thì mình lại nổi hứng đăng ký hai lớp bồi dưỡng: lớp bồi dưỡng Nhi và lớp bồi dưỡng Global Health. Cả hai lớp đều rất hay nhưng vấn đề là giời ơi sức mình cũng chỉ có hạn. Chỉ việc phải lo mấy cái application thôi mà mình đã thấy mệt rồi. Thế này thì sức đâu mà tìm thêm cả chỗ để làm tiến sĩ nữa? :( Vậy nên chắc nếu mình được nhận vào cả 2 lớp thì mình cũng chỉ chọn 1 thôi. Nhưng mà thôi, chưa biết có được nhận vào lớp nào không ấy chứ mà ngồi đây nghĩ nên chọn cái nào. :-< 

Đấy là vụ học hành, nghe chán vậy thôi chứ thật ra mọi việc cũng chưa đến mức quá nghiêm trọng. Thứ làm tâm trạng mình vui buồn thay đổi xoành xoạch là các mối quan hệ. Dĩ nhiên là mình không để những chuyện đấy ảnh hưởng đến học tập bao giờ, mình vốn vẫn lý trí đủ cho việc đấy, nhưng mà nếu trong ng mình cảm thấy vui vẻ hạnh phúc thì dĩ nhiên sức chịu đựng những áp lực trong công việc sẽ cao hơn. Cái này mình có thể giải thích một cách khoa học, chẹp, nó liên quan đến các hóc-môn trong cơ thể. :> Trong tình trạng "chán" thì mình chỉ giải quyết được công việc ở mức "tốt" tối thiểu thôi, mình cũng không phải cái máy vô cảm xúc mà. Haiz. 

Nên bắt đầu bằng cái gì trước đây nhỉ. Những chuyện vui chăng? Mình đã lại xây dựng được thêm rất, rất nhiều mối quan hệ mới, không chỉ với bạn bè mà cả với những giáo sư, những "ng trên", hehe :) Nói chung là tốt. Nhưng mà thay vào đấy một số mối quan hệ rất tốt từ trước, chủ yếu là với bạn bè, lại trở nên xấu đi... 

Những người đối với mình không chỉ là "một mối quan hệ tốt", mà trong hai năm học qua đã trở nên quan trọng thì giờ lại quá hờ hững. Cái nhóm của mình đã tan rã, irreversible, mình đã hiểu điều ấy cách đây vài tháng rồi. Nhưng việc mỗi thành viên trong nhóm đi tìm một "nhóm mới" cho bản thân rồi hờ hững với nhau theo đúng kiểu "có mới nới cũ" thì khiến mình thực sự... buồn. Mẹ nói đấy chỉ là mấy đứa không "dính nhau" nữa thôi, và xét cho cùng thì đấy là một việc tốt, nhưng mà mình thấy nó không quá đơn giản vậy. Không dính nhau và hờ hững với nhau là hai thứ khác nhau. Không dính nhau đâu có nghĩa là gặp nhau không chào, đâu có nghĩa là nếu chào cũng không dừng lại bắt chuyện một chút, đâu có nghĩa là cả tháng rồi không gặp nhau cũng không tỏ ra là muốn quan tâm, nghe chuyện người kia dạo này ra sao. Từ những đứa bạn thân nhất, mình và một vài đứa đã trở nên bạn bè ở mức kém hơn cả những mối quan hệ mới. Vậy là sao?

Chắc mình cũng không hoàn toàn vô tội trong chuyện này. Nhưng bây giờ mình phải làm sao để thay đổi tình hình thì mình cũng không biết. Chẳng lẽ đây là cái giá phải trả cho việc mở rộng mối quan hệ sao? Nếu có nhiều bạn thì không nuôi dưỡng được những tình bạn thân à? Đâu phải. Hồi xưa mọi thứ đâu có khó vậy. 

Mình nhớ chị Sina quá, hic T_T. Chị ấy đi du lịch châu Phi cuối tuần này mới về. Có chị ấy ở đây thì mình đã có người để xả rồi. Chị Saskia và anh Basti là hai ng duy nhất còn sót lại trong nhóm. Có lẽ mình cũng không nên đòi hỏi nhiều hơn... 

Còn một người nữa. Cái anh này thật sự đã ghét mình rồi. Chẹp, mình cũng không biết phải làm sao đây. Từ một tình bạn thân mà sau một chuyện, anh ấy đã coi mình như kẻ thù. Nói thật thì sau buổi nói chuyện cuối cùng giữa hai đứa, mình đủ hiểu anh ấy để biết là anh ấy chắc sẽ ghét mình hết cuộc đời của anh ấy. Nhưng hôm qua nghe anh Oli nói là anh ấy vẫn liên tục phải "xả" cái tức về mình, và trong những buổi gặp gỡ nhau rất hiếm của nhóm cũ, anh ấy sẽ không đến nếu mình tham gia để tránh mặt mình thì mình thực sự bực. Không có gì bất ngờ, mình lẽ ra đã biết trước, nhưng bực thì vẫn bực. I get upset because I still care, of course. Mình đâu có ghét anh ấy. Nhưng càng ngày thì mình lại càng thấy mình phải không care tí nào thì mới ổn, vì anh này đúng là một "hopeless case" rồi. Nhưng mà tình cảm thì đâu có bảo ngắt là nó ngắt ngay được đâu. Haiz, bực mình. 

Thôi, tạm xả vậy thôi. Thời gian của mình chỉ có hạn. Mình sẽ ích kỷ đủ để chỉ cố gắng cứu vớt những mối quan hệ nếu đối phương cũng cố gắng thôi. Thế là hết sức rồi. Và khi đã cố hết sức thì không có gì phải nuối tiếc mà, phải không?

 

Now you know what I did this summer

It's 1:35 in the morning.

The reason for this blogpost is my totally screwed up sleep pattern. I blame my friend Thao for accustoming me to her unhealthy habit of staying up late. I'm not sure about her day-night rhythm when she's by herself, but for the few days I visited her in Amsterdam, we never went to bed before half past two, and that usually resulted in our sleeping in till noon the next day.

So yeah, I'm screwed. T_T Uni is starting next week with lectures at 8 am everyday (optional attendance, but still) and my biological clock keeps refusing to fall asleep even at half past one. 

Anyways. Uni is starting next week, yep. It's a very nerdy thing to say but well I gotta admit that I really look forward to that. I guess I've had enough time-out after the intense studying period for the Physikum exam. Now I'm so pumped to do some medical stuff - meaning uni, getting a tutoring job, looking for a dissertation thesis and stuff like that - I just really can't wait to be busy with work again. I'm craaaaazy, I know. :))

I guess contributing to my energy-charged state are my very invigorating post-exam vacations. I did get my chill time to just relax and I did get to do other stuff I love beside medicine, too. 

After exams I went home for one and a half week, and that did me good. Seeing my family always does, though. :) Following that was the one week all-inclusive vacation on Ibiza I booked with Saskia, Basti and Sina. Well, what can I say, we allowed ourselves a treat! The weather was great for the most part, like in this picture:

Oh and did I mention that I totally rode a bike? A real bike, not just a scooter like my Rondo. I mean, it wasn't a badass Harley for God's sake but surely I feel very ready for the motorbikes in Vietnam now. See for yourself: 

Bwahaha! Good memories for sure. :)) :x

Beside that, in the short version of things, we had a little friendship drama (that hopefully has pushed us closer now), I learned what touching a jellyfish does to you (not pretty things, I'm still suffering from the aftermath in form of what looks like a burn wound but itches like cray cray) and oh my gosh, the food was heaven. Heaven!

Oh and in that one week I managed to complete reading the first two The Hunger Games books. My brother gave me the trilogy for Christmas but being the typical med student, I didn't have time for fun reads that aren't thick med books, even in semester breaks because I was either interning in hospitals which means no time or I was out on discovery trips which also means no time. But I'm so glad I got back into reading this time round! I finished the last book within the first few days when we were back in Germany, unfortunately quite dissatisfied with how the whole series ended. I then started another book I'd left unread for prolly two years on my shelf till then: Joy Fielding's Now You See Her. Back in the time when I liked browsing in book shops to kill time so much, Joy Fielding's name came up quite often with a bunch of detective and thriller novels. I thought I'd give her a try. Well, can I just say that I won't buy her books again anytime soon? The writing is nice, but her style is too draggy for my taste. But yeah, despite the disappointments I had with my recent books, it feels very good to be a bookworm again, even if it's short-term. :) (I guess it's just very hard to measure up to Harry Potter and/or the Smoky Barrett series.)

Anyway, to go back to the chronic order of things, coming up after Ibiza was a four-day Amsterdam trip in which I visited my secondary-school friend Thao. I had a great time and pretty much grew to love the city but I'll save the details for a separate post (which will hopefully come soon, with pics and a video if I'm not too lazy). 

Now I'm back in Giessen again and that feels good too because hey surprise, I actually kinda miss it! Let's see how long I can be this happy, considering that my new dormmate is a potential source of stress and bad mood for me in the coming semester (no prejudice, just a hunch). For now, though, I know I am content. Biggest reason being my discovery of a Chipotle restaurant today (biggest fan of Mexican food here). A Chipotle in Germany! I had a very successful shopping tour with Saskia in Frankfurt and having a burrito at Chipotle totally was the icing on the cake. My burrito was sooooo good. The restaurant has only opened for a month now, it's the first one in Germany I suppose, and oh gosh I'm just so happy!! Now all I need is Taco Bell to open somewhere near and my life is complete. ^_^

Well, it's ten to three in the morning now and I suppose my body is ready to sleep. With a Chipotle dream maybe, please? :x

A Quick Post-exam Sum-up

After two months (and a little bit more) of studying non-stop - the longest time I've ever spent prepping for an exam - I've finally reached the finishing line and am now owning the first half of my two-part medical degree. Awesome, innit?

The funny thing is, I had goals and ambitions at the beginning of this year, big goals and real high ambition regarding that huge exam - the Physikum. But sometime during the preparation process, I just dropped it all. Never had I taken an exam feeling as poorly prepared and insecure as I did this time. But the results? One word: great. I definitely can't complain. 

I'd be lying if I said I felt totally deserving of the results. Because, as mentioned above, I didn't think I was well prepared. Instead of studying more, I spent a noteworthy amount of time to watch the first four seasons of Grey's Anatomy (loveeeee the series btw!). But then again, I do think if I hadn't done that, I would probably have not withstood the mental torture of two-months intensive studying. During the last few days before D-Day, I could feel oh so clearly how my motivation and endurance was running really, really low. 

So yeah, I'm still not so sure whether the good exam results are actual results of my newly-discovered ideal work-life balance or it's just Luck that I have to thank it all for. Still working on figuring that out, yip.

For now, I'm back to enjoying life and trying to get back to my hobbies. It kinda annoys me how I don't feel like picking up my guitar at all, or how the thought of writing gives me absolutely no rush anymore. Actually, all I can think of now is medicine (watching Grey's ain't helping), and that's... well, really dangerous. I just keep getting closer to actually marrying my future job and nothing - or no one - else... //sigh

Mệt

So với hồi xưa thì bây giờ chắc mình đỡ bồng bột hơn nhiều, nhưng cái bản tính dễ cáu dễ bực thì vẫn đấy, mà khi bực mình lên thì lời ăn tiếng nói sẽ khó đáp ứng được đủ hai yếu tố khéo léo và tế nhị. Nhiều người thích cái tính thẳng thắn của mình, ừ công nhận nó hay, mình cũng thích nó, nhưng mà nếu thẳng thắn không đúng cách thì sẽ đem đến nhiều thiệt hơn là lợi. Thẳng thắn mà còn kết hợp với dễ bực nữa thì lại càng nguy hiểm, haiz.

Thẳng thắn là tốt, nhưng thẳng thắn chọn lọc mới là khôn. Mình mới tốt thôi, chưa khôn.

Lần cuối cùng mình cãi nhau với một đứa bạn để rồi khi ra về hai đứa đều 'không quý nhau cho lắm' là khi nào nhỉ? Lâu lắm lắm rồi...

.

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Có lẽ đây là lần đầu tiên cái 'chết' tiến đến gần mình như vậy. Trước giờ mình vẫn biết đến sự tồn tại của nó, nhưng nó vẫn luôn là một cái gì đó xa vời, mình nói mình hiểu được nhưng thật ra là không. Cách đây hai tuần mình mới thật sự phải nếm mùi vị của sự sợ hãi về những mất mát đi kèm theo cái 'kết thúc của mọi sự kết thúc' ấy. Nó làm mình một lần nữa nhận ra: Life doesn't wait for anyone.

Mỗi người đúng chỉ sống có một lần...

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.

.

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Học, học và học.

Tất cả những chuyện khác không nên khiến mình phải bận tâm nữa. Đây thực sự nên là bài viết cuối cùng dành cho việc 'xả' cho đến khi mình thi xong, nghĩa là tháng 9.

---------

One last note, as usual in English so that I can get it done with faster:

Stupid self, stop trying to be there for everyone. It drained you once, remember? How about giving off more 'I need a shoulder' vibes and less 'You can have my shoulder' ones?

I always am selfless and selfish in the wrong things...

Shutting up now, for real.

'Birthday' and 'Happy' Once Again Came True Together

So… here's the thing: I'm 20 now.

I hate being old, that's all I want to say. But I guess I'm not in the position to use the word 'old' in connection with myself or else I'd be dissing my friends again. :P Yeah, I do hang with a lot of older peeps.

Anyways, I've always thought birthdays are way too overrated. To me, it just marks the day you have to put another number in the 'Age' blank in official forms. A birthday is only special to me as long as the people who care about me make it so.  

But because the world pressures me (and because of a few other reasons), I've always had to celebrate April 29^th. With celebrating comes the stress of preparing because:

a)      I'm not your hobby party-thrower.

b)      I'm a freaking perfectionist in a lot (not all, but a lot) of things.

So yeah, birthdays also mean a lot of stress to me. The stress has added up over the years and now I've kind of grown to… dislike my own birthday. I know, I'm very much one of a kind.

Anyways, the reason for this post today is actually this confession I need to make: I really enjoyed my birthday this year.

Hallelujah! You heard it right.

On April 28^th I went to bed at nearly 11pm because I've got an early class the next morning. I hit the sack without the slightest feeling of excitement and honestly, I don't even remember if it crossed my mind that moment before going to sleep that my birthday was around the corner.

The next morning I woke up with a bunch of texts and facebook notifications that, of course, put a huge smile on my face. But then I picked up my morning routine like any other day. The moment I exited the house, however, I noticed a strange blue balloon that was stuck in between the mosquito net of my window and the window itself. I thought the kids from yesterday played a prank on me and, with my typically disapproving head-shaking gesture, I removed the balloon from the window. It wasn't until then that I actually realized the balloon was just a blown-up rubber glove, the kind we use in hospitals and in our anatomy dissecting classes.

Strange, I thought.

Then I went to get my bike, on the way passing Rondo, my new scooter. And there it was, another blue glove balloon tied to Rondo! A face was painted on this one with a celebratory message written on the backside, and I instantly knew who the real culprit was. My boys. :x There was no doubt when I finally saw their names at the end of the message.

It turned out that three of my uni friends went to my house before midnight with the intention of celebrating the very first seconds of my twenties together with me. But when they were there, they realized I was already in bed so that other silly idea with the balloons came up. Toooooo cute. :3 I already felt really bad for them and they just had to make it worse by telling me that they wanted to wake me but in the end were too afraid of losing some body parts if I woke up and got pissed at them. I'm not that scary, come on. T_T

Another surprise my friends had for me was a chocolate muffin (they made it very clear that they don't support my chocolate rehab T_T) and that bottle of champagne they brought to uni. So at 9 in the morning, we all killed a whole champagne bottle (with lots of loud cheers and singing and a very, very embarrassed yet grateful me), then we continued going to class in the style of' like a boss'. What can I say? YOLO it is, people.

I also had some 'me'-time in the afternoon until I finally rounded up the day with a nice dinner with the gang. It was perfect, really. No stress, no pissed-off, a lot of fun and laughter, just enough me-time and the feeling of self-importance.

I really, really am grateful to my uni gang. I love them to bits. We talked about working all together in one hospital later, a very unrealistic dream we are aware, but just the thought of it was enough to make me smile on the inside. How much fun it would be, right guys? I do believe they're very fast becoming one of the people who understand me the best, knowing so many aspect of what makes me 'me'. (To get to my deepest secrets is a very long way to go, but still… :P Good things come to those who wait~)

There's a reason I can't do long-distance relationships. So I've just gotta appreciate all the bonds I have now, even if my 'now' is far from perfect. As long as I still have those who care about me on my side, it is the most perfect I would want my life to ever become.

I suck at expressing my feelings face-to-face. But one day, when the mood is right, I'll get cheesy and tell you guys just how much you all mean to me. :)

Phan Thiet - Mui Ne

I've been having a great time in Mui Ne, a pretty decent compensation for every shit that happened to me in Nha Trang. I actually took more pictures this time and I kinda realized that I could still really enjoy that. Pictures of just scenery bore the hell outta me but as long as there are people I know in it, myself included, taking pictures can still be fun. I kind of regret not having taken many in Danang and Hue, the two places I've met the best people so far. :(

Anyways, here come a few pics I took for the sake of introducing Phan Thiet / Mui Ne a little.

I'm staying at a resort in Mui Ne, which is a village about 35km away from the city Phan Thiet of Binh Thuan province. Mui Ne means 'a (terrestrial) peak to hide' because Mui Ne lies directly next to the Pacific Ocean which is anything but pacific, and everytime a storm comes, people hide (Vietnamese: Né) behind this terrestrial peak that protrudes into the ocean like a pincer (Vietnamese: Mũi).

People in Mui Ne (and pretty much Phan Thiet too) live on fishing. Here's a picture of the fishing village.

Robbed

I finally found people to hang out with today, two really nice girls 2 years older than me who are trainees at the travel company I booked. I was going to meet them tonight, riding a Xich Lo when I was robbed of my backpack by two people on a motorbike.


Anyways I don't really want to explain the situation. I just want to gather the to-dos when robbed so that I can act more adequately next time. I swear next time they won't get away that easily.

1- Scream the shit out of yourself. And I really mean it. Gain attention of bystanders, maybe there's someone who can help.
2- While chasing them robbers, try to remember as much detail as possible - most importantly their vehicle registration plate.
3- If you travel by Xich Lo, make sure the Xich Lo guy doesn't escape. Mine disappeared as fast as he could. He's most certainly the robber's accomplice.
4- Don't rely on the police.


And some things I need to take note of:

1- Don't ever let loose of your bags in Vietnam.
2- Cut down on going around all on your own, especially at night. I mean I won't stop doing it completely, I know myself too well, but I'll try to cut down on it. T_T
3- Trust no one.


I'm pissed but I know the robbers are even more pissed because my backpack has nothing of value for them. I just hate that I lost my Sherlock Holmes book. I wasn't done reading! T_T But on the bright side, there's a first for everything, and my first time being robbed is a lucky case, considering that I lost nothing important.

My cam was in the backpack at first but then I took it out and held it in my hands. Poor thing was dropped when I got robbed and the battery fell out of the main housing. I was worried that was the kill but no, even though it has now even more scars (than after my sister dropped it on the streets last time), it still works. I love my cam. T_T

Nha Trang hates me. I think now it's kind of mutual.

Me in Nha Trang - A Desperate Situation

Nha Trang is amazing but my situation sucks so bad!

I join tours with the intention of meeting new people and making friends, it worked super well in Hue but Nha Trang is a completely different case :(. In Hue I travelled in a group of 38 people, in Nha Trang, my group has... 7 peeps including me.

There are two grandparents who are DNers but have lived in the States for 30 years. At first when I talked to them I thought they were cool, and I mean like I can click with elders too, I wasn't having any problem with that. But then the grandpa turned out to be really really annoying. He gives me the impression that he thinks he's something better than others because he lives in the States. He likes me probably because I'm from Germany. But others? He talks ill about them behind their backs. And then he comes to me and tells me everything he thinks when I'm not even interested! It's really starting to piss me off! If you wanna judge people, leave me out of it please, thank you. T_T But the grandma is like super nice. She barely talks. Probably because her husband already talks enough for the both of them.

Then there are the two newlyweds from the North who are super nice too. I get along great with the two of them but like you know, they are newlyweds, they travel in a group but they do want their private time too. I totally get it. And the guy has to leave in like three days to continue his studies in Korea (Annoying Grandpa totally judging him because he didn't make it to the States but 'only' got a scholarship to Korea), so yeah...

Then there's this mother-daughter pair from the South who joined us late. Daughter - not talking at all and not smiling much. Mother - talking too much, laughing too loudly. I can't really talk to either of them. :((

And you know what's worse? Annoying Grandpa is fascinated by Big-mouthed Mother. She kind of thinks poorly of him but he's completely oblivious to it. He talked to her so much that his wife started to get jealous. Omgah I could totally see it on her face. At one point, she was suddenly super quiet and her eyes were staring daggers at Big-mouthed Mother... I really got the chills.

Now the grandma is not saying a word anymore. The grandpa and Big-mouthed Mother keep talking with each other, the daughter doesn't talk much per se, the two newlyweds talk amongst themselves and me, I'm the only one crying inside. T____T

Our group joined others to visit the islands today, we were over 40 overall. I was so happy at first, but then it turned out that the others were mainly Russians, who don't speak a word English! WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD.

I tried talking to a thirty-something guy who sat next to me on the boat in the very beginning. He's legit a non-English-speaker. Just shrugged at me and smiled politely before turning back to his camera. I was like okayyyy, next try. I kept a lookout and spotted three young guys travelling together, one of them quite handsome actually. I was like yes, check! The next time we went on the boat, I made sure to sit next to them. Then I picked up the convo with the guy who sat the nearest to me.

"You guys are all from Russia?"

"Yes." The guy nodded and smiled at me.

I was like HOLY SHIT ENGLISH!

"How long have you been in Nha Trang?"

He made a gesture that he didn't get it.

"Oh, do you speak English?"

"Not much," he laughed and pointed at his handsome friend. "He speaks English very well."

I was like 'ohhhh, I can live with that too!' :)). But then it turned out Handsome's 'very good English' didn't exceed 5 sentences either -_- We talked about Nha Trang and Moscow a little before they went back to Russian and me, I went back to crying inside. T_T

Then there were like those two twenty-something Vietnamese girls who were all lovey-dovey together - definitely a couple. They both looked very girly but everyone can see who wears the pants in the relationship. That one girl always opened the door for the other, put her arm around her girlfriend's shoulder and offered her shoulder for the other to lean on and stuff. I personally think she looks prettier than her girlfriend, in a very feminine way, but yeah, we know not all lesbians are butch.

Anyways, I tried talking to them too, of course. At first everyone was all nice and such, but then... I don't even know how it happened. =((

We were walking around to feed monkeys and I bumped into them. The girl-in-the-relationship girl smiled at me and I, being just myself, gave her an all-teeth smile back. Like come on, I was happy I finally found someone I could exchange more than 5 sentences with! I don't know what the manlier girl thought but she was suddenly staring at me, looking not amused at all. Then she pulled her girlfriend away from me.

I was totally baffled and didn't really understand until it suddenly got to me sometime later. The manlier one was jealous! Holy shit do I really look like I want something from your girl?!

Later when we went back to the boat, I went in early and sat in an empty row. The two of them followed me in and the girlier one pointed at the seat next to me and smiled. I smiled back and slid over to make place for them, but then the other just pulled her girlfriend away without even looking at me, saying loud and clear, "Let's sit over there!"

I mean like, come on! I didn't mean to hit on your girl! Do you have to be that possessive?! It's weird since you let her wear a cap that says 'SL*T'. I'm just saying.

Sigh.

I always thought making friends is the easiest thing when you just like smiling and are social enough. Guess I thought wrong.

Or I'm just having extremely bad luck here in Nha Trang.

T_T

Một vài suy nghĩ lúc rảnh rỗi về đất nước mình

Ngẫm nghĩ lại mình thấy ở Việt Nam, muốn sống sót được thì con người phải có những tố chất sau:

1- Không được lơ ngơ
2- Không được quá hiền
3- Không được quá thật thà

Đấy là để sống sót thôi, chứ nếu muốn có thành công thì mình lại phải cần thêm nhiều yếu tố "sống khéo" khác nữa. Nói chung thế cũng đã là khó rồi...

Nếu không muốn lơ ngơ thì phải ra ngoài va chạm nhiều, muốn không quá hiền hay thật thà thì lại là một chuyện khác vì nó liên quan nhiều đến bản chất, tính cách của con người hơn. Với lại "không hiền" thế nào để không phải là đanh đá quá? "Không quá thật thà" bao nhiêu để không trở thành đồ đểu cáng?

Mình cũng không biết có phải do mình không quen sống ở VN không mà mình thấy nó khó.

Hôm nọ đi từ đường Trần Huy Liệu đến rạp chiếu phim Quốc Gia mình và đứa em họ nhảy lên cái taxi Phù Đổng, chú tài xế không bật đồng hồ nên mình nhắc. Ấy thế mà chú ý cứ nhùng nhằng không chịu, bảo đi đoạn ngắn thôi nên chú ý không cần bật đồng hồ, lấy cỡ 30k thôi là rẻ rồi. Mình cũng không chịu, tại kiểu thấy ng ta không quang minh chính đại là mình nghi ngay rồi, nên lằng nhằng thêm một lúc thì ông kia dừng xe để hai đứa xuống, thêm câu "Keo kiệt thì thôi bắt xe ôm đi nhé, trời mưa cho chết!"

Chẹp, có cần thiết vậy không?

Cuối cùng mình bắt cái taxi khác, đi mất 13k mà rồi mình làm tròn lên 15k.

May là mình không quá ngơ, cũng chẳng quá hiền. Nhưng chú kia thì có vẻ hơi làm quá cái phần "không thật thà".

Lại một chuyện nữa là cái chuyện mình vẫn kêu ca muổn thuở, đò là tại sao người Việt mình tiết kiệm nụ cười quá. Vào quán cafe hay những chỗ dịch vụ, mình lúc nào cũng toe toét cười mà nhân viên thì dặn mãi cười cũng không ra. Vậy là sao? Cả vào bệnh viện, phòng khám thì nhất là Y tá, mình cảm giác họ muốn ra oai hay sao í mà giọng luôn rất chỉ đạo, lạnh băng không cảm xúc.

Nhưng không phải người Việt mình không thân thiện, trái lại ý, mình thấy dân mình cực kì xởi lởi. Chỉ là lúc đầu thì ai cũng phải "lạnh" với nhau đã, điều đấy như thành thói quen rồi ấy. Đến khi quen thân nhau hơn thì mọi người với nhau vui thôi rồi. Cái này thì mình đã có đc một trải nghiệm rất rõ rệt.

Ra phòng khám của ông, lúc đầu không ai biết mình là ai, mấy chị Y tá thực hiện y chang cái luật "ra oai". Thậm chí đến lúc ông khám xong rồi, bảo cháu vào trong nhà để mấy chị tiêm cho thì cũng có mấy chị không biết mình là cháu ông, vẫn cứ cư xử thế. Mình hỏi mấy câu kiểu "Em ngồi đây được không ạ?", "Em tiêm thuốc gì ấy chị nhỉ?" thì mấy chị ấy hoặc là trả lời lí nhí không ai nghe ra, hoặc là ignore mình luôn không thèm nói. Đến lúc vỡ lẽ mình là cháu ông, lại cũng học Y, được ông quý (hehe) thì thái độ thay đổi 180°. :P Vui vẻ hỏi han chơi đùa với em, lại còn chọc ngoáy nhau làm như thân lắm rồi í.

Lúc ấy mình mới ngẫm ra, người Việt mình kiểu "không hơi đâu quan tâm đến người lạ", nhưng nếu là người có quan hệ gì đó với mình thì mọi ng lại niềm nở hơn, hỏi han nhiều hơn. Vậy nên lính mới nếu đến chỗ nào không quen biết thì luốn khá bị cái áp lực "chứng tỏ bản thân" đè nặng, nhất là bản thân cũng chỉ được yên ổn khi mình "chứng tỏ" đủ để mọi người nể, không hành mình cái kiểu "ma cũ bắt nạt ma mới", nhưng cũng chỉ được vừa đủ để không khiên ai phải ghen ghét, đố kị.

Có nghĩa là sau này nếu muốn làm gì được ở Việt Nam thì mình cần phải thực hiện được một thứ rất quan trọng: đó là nuôi dưỡng những mối quan hệ với bạn bè Việt. Dù sau này mình có thể thành công ở Đức đến đâu đi chăng nữa, nếu không có sẵn những mối quan hệ tốt ở Việt Nam thì mình rất khó có thể làm nên trò trống gì. (Dĩ nhiên là nói thế này không có nghĩa là mình chỉ giữ quan hệ vì mình "cần" quan hệ sau này... Cũng phải quý bạn bè thì mình mới liên lạc vs bọn nó chứ ^^)

Nhưng quan hệ thôi cũng chẳng đủ. Một là nuôi dưỡng quan hệ tốt khi mà mình ở xa thì cũng khá khó, hai là cũng chính vì ở xa mà mình không thể có được tất cả những mối quan hệ cần thiết cho những "hoài bão" của mình. Vậy nên mình đã ngẫm ra việc thứ hai cũng rất quan trọng mà mình cần, đó là: tiền. (Nó sẽ kèm theo rất nhiều cái "không thật thà", nhưng ở Việt Nam, mình thật sự nghĩ nếu không vậy thì rất rất khó thành công. Cái khó và cái quan trọng vẫn luôn là "bao nhiêu cho đủ" và "không được đánh mất bản thân"...)

À vâng. Cái này thì mình cũng chưa biết là nên như thế nào thì mới đạt được.

Nhưng mà tóm lại là lần nào về Việt Nam mình cũng ngẫm ra được vài thứ, ngẫm thêm cỡ chục lần nữa biết đâu mình sẽ tìm ra được giải pháp gì đấy.

There's just one thing I'm always sure about: that Vietnam will always be included in my future. I can't break this connection I always feel towards my homecountry.

Vậy nên Việt Nam ơi, chờ nhé. :)

More About my Internship

Okay before we come to the main topic, there's this little story I wanna tell.

I've been sick for like a week now, and yesterday I visited my grandpa Chuong's doctor's office to get some meds. He's known for handling flu and the like very fast but it's no surprise since he always immediately uses antibiotics and applies them i.v. (intravenous).

Funny thing was that I was allergic to the antibiotic I received. At first my skin became red but I wasn't really alarmed, then it began to itch and a nurse called my grandpa then. He gave me something to inject intramuscular. The nurse wanted to do it ventrogluteal but because I've heard too many things about it being done wrong resulting in the injury of the superior gluteal or ischiadic nerve, I convinced her to inject it into my arm. She was all like, "But if we do it there it will hurt a lot!" but I didn't think so, sis. I'm no sissy, thank you~ [-X

Talking about luck that I stayed after the antibiotic injection and my allergy was immediately treated, though. As crazy as I may sound right now, it was interesting to experience an allergic attack, hehe. When the itching became quite uncomfortable, I really did get those symptoms of feeling really hot, especially in my hands and feet. Had I waited longer, I would've probably gotten an anaphylactic shock. At least then I wouldn't be laughing as much anymore, lol.

I'm probably getting a drip today. Grandpa says he'll heal my allergy too, since I do get those random skin rashes quite often.

---------

But yeah, what today's post is actually for is the further introduction of what I've seen at the Children's hospital. First of all, a picture of the main building:

The first time I saw it I was like, "What? Is this an apartment complex or a hospital?" I mean it's not like Vietnam doesn't have any nicely built buildings, just look at the countless shopping malls and you'll know. Behind this main building is a huge construction area where another tall building should stand one day, but according to people who have lived there a lot longer than me, for the past ten months or so, that new building didn't grow one bit in height. So why is the city pouring more money into shopping malls like this huge new Vincom center on Nguyen Trai street, when we already have a dozen, with a half being way too empty for any shop to survive in it? (Just look at Big C The Garden, Hanoi-ers).

My First Vietnamese Hospital Experience

Today is the fifth day since my arrival in Vietnam. I've been pigging out on vietnamese food ever since, which is an awesome and very satisfying thing ;)). Though for the long haul, I know I will be frustrated with my hoggish self. I'm trying to keep my metabolism up by travelling by bike instead of taking a cab or using Xe Om like how I used to do in the past. My love for cycling is an added bonus. I really can't complain much about my life right now. :x

Yesterday, I would've talked differently though. It was my first day at the National Hospital of Pediatrics. I should have known the day would turn out bad the moment I woke up because hell, I woke up at 4am no thanks to a damn mosquito that kept buzzing around my head and stinging me in the fingers. (I've learnt my lesson though, now I have to overcome my laziness and set up a mosquito-protection net - or whatever you wanna call it - every night... :-<)

A Pre-Vietnam Post

So, the semester officialy ended for me a week ago. I passed all exams, was more or less (rather less) content with the results, and from then on kinda focused on packing for my coming 6-week Vietnam trip.

I managed to organize for myself a volunteering kind of internship at the National Hospital of Pediatrics in Hanoi. I'll be working in the neonatology department for 2 weeks, alongside a German physiotherapist who has already been volunteering in Hanoi for 4 months if I'm not mistaken. I'm definitely looking forward to that.

Following the 2 weeks of internship, I'll go on a fortnight of travelling from Hue towards the South, stopping in popular tourist cities to learn more about my homecountry. I mean all my life I've only known Hanoi and Danang, and it's a little embarrassing to claim to be a Vietnamese when you really don't know that much about your country. So I'm very much looking forward to that, too.

Then there are friends with whom I'll have a reunion. It is an exciting thing, but I have learnt to not have any expectations, so we'll see where it goes. There are only some of them I know will be thrilled to see me again (as I am just as thrilled to see them), and I'm sure we are going to have a very good time. Otherwise... I don't mind being on my own. As long as I can find food, I'll be fine.

I'll see my family again. :) That's just as important--I mean, even more important than food.

I kind of have started a list of things I wanted to eat when I'm in Vietnam.

List will be updated when I can think of more.

2012 - A Year to Remember (?)

I'm a little surprised at myself how blank my mind is when it comes to doing a sum-up entry for 2012. I guess the things that happened this year didn't leave too much of an impression on me (or I'm just too tired at the moment, I honestly don't know). I guess I'll use bullet points to get faster through this.

Important realizations I made this year

• Medicine is my passion. Everything that happened this year - stuff I've learned at uni, the experiences I've made during internships - all solidified this fact. :)
• I 'rediscovered' my love for Vietnam. Hanging out with a Vietnamese friend for a longer period of time made me realize I feel so much more comfortable interacting with Vietnamese people. Even though I still don't have a definite answer to the question of where I really belong, the option 'Vietnam' feels more right than ever. 
• Friendship. So much more I've learned about this particular component of life. I still haven't mastered balancing all my relationships but I'm getting there, definitely. A huge thanks to the people who I call my close friends this past year that have revived my faith in friendship...
• I found myself again. I turned back into the multi-faced me who is able to click with everybody again. 'Tis the thing that makes me the happiest. :)

Random moments/things I find worth remembering

• My trip to Hamburg with mom. We bought smoked fish from the fish market and because there was no fridge in our hotel room, we left it behind a tree in the garden overnight, only to have a clueless staff member find and throw it into the dumpster the next morning. Dumbest idea we've ever got. :P
• Writing the very first song for a friend. The live performance was horrid but I know my friend loved it, and that's all that mattered. :)
• Dropping my iPhone, causing the screen to split. My heart broke that day. :(
• Dad buying an iPad for mom. My parents are Facebook-addicts ever since. Seriously I have the cutest parents ever, haha. :X

Oh man that was reallyyyyy hard to come up with, lol! 2012 really is a weird year... I feel nothing, having to say goodbye to it. I guess I should just quickly move on to 2013 and my resolutions.

My new year resolutions for 2013

• Trying to win back some more me-time. That means I'll have to cut down on studying time and social time a little but seriously, I'm only realizing now how much I've missed myself. When was the last time I played some good old (even though fail) guitar? When was the last time I sat down to read my favorite books? When was the last time I forgot the real world just to live and write about my own fictional world? It feels like ages ago. I need that time back, seriously.
• Getting a job. I'm having too many plans and dreams that require a decent budget.
• Expressing more self-control, especially when it comes to my chocolate addiction. T_T
• Finding a way to study more effectively. I can't afford another Abitur-fail.

That's quite enough, no? I really hope 2013 is going to be a little more exciting and memorable than 2012. I'll be having my first self-scheduled Vietnam trip in March and hey, I'll be turning 20 in April. Starting my twenties means I'm no longer a teenager, and that's gotta mean something, right? (Though I've always thought age is but a number...) And then there's gonna be my first confrontation with a huge exam since Abi - the dreaded Physikum - in August when I'll have to prove what I've learned from my previous defeat.

Yay with excitement. :D

Now to the conclusion. 2012 - not really a year to remember. But 2013 - definitely a year to look forward to. :)

Happy new year, everyone!