Hello~
This is me writing again because I have insomnia. I am suffering from some serious muscle stiffness and it just wouldn't let me sleep. I have been tossing and turning for three hours by now, and still did not sleep a wink... As expected from my mind, when left with no active task to do, it occupies itself with countless thoughts. And that quite counterproductively adds to my insomnia tonight.
My brain's favorite exercise as of late is to analyse the contents of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. It is quite a gem to me. Among all the self-improvement books I've read in my life, this is the one book that convinces me more than any other. I have finished reading the book a couple of days ago, but I think at least another re-read and some more reflection/analysis are required for me to really be through with its content. I shall write another blog post dedicated to this book alone.
I know I haven't been active with writing lately. But a train of thoughts in bed just now brought me to the conclusion that it is quite crucial for me to start again. "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" had led to a major reflection process within myself, and among other things, I realized how bad I have become at listening. Luckily, I also suppose I have figured out the reason.
I have always been a heavy thinker with a constant need to express my thoughts, because I find expressing thoughts to be the best way to facilitate thinking progress. I have to lay out my thoughts; I have to see them, to hear them. Only then can I have something as close as possible to an overview of the complexity of my mind. This in turn enables me to think in an organized way, to add further thoughts or scratch some contradicting ones, and to develop new ideas. I used to spend a lot of time on laying my thoughts out in texts. Nowadays, this time is dramatically cut down on, and I end up laying my thoughts out when talking to people instead. Sadly, the need to share my thoughts comes at the price of my ability to listen. I used to be a much better listener when I frequently processed my thoughts through writing, and entered a conversation as an thoughts-already-processed listener.
It is somewhat ironic that part of my motivation to become a better listener is drawn from my dissatisfaction of other people's listening habits. Most people are too consumed with their own thoughts, own problems, own interests, own world to truly want to listen to and understand other people (hey, not entirely excluding myself here). The only time most of us really listen is when someone speaks about something we also care about. I don't know how many times I tried to breach a topic I had been thinking about and the other person just didn't give a response, be it verbally or non-verbally, and just started another topic after a few moments of silence. My emotional connection with that person suffers a serious blow every time that happens, really. I do think I always show more interest when I am in the shoes of the listener, but that can also just be attributed to my sheer thirst to have more stuff to think about, or if I want to put it in a nicer way, my openness to learn about new viewpoints and ideas.
With all that being said, I am aware of the peculiarity of my thinking habit. Or rather, the breadth in which I do it. It's hard to find another person who is willing to keep up with my thoughts. Most of them just end up not listening anymore at some point. It's not that bad though, because some still listen, and those are either people who are similar to me, or people who are truly good at listening. Especially when one-sided listening turns into a conversation, I feel very satisfied - for the lack of a better word - afterwards. It's just that those cases are so rare.
Sometimes, I tell people that I tend to overthink. I guess I should stop doing that from now on, because it's not true. I don't overthink, I just like thinking a lot. The former creates problems, the latter is what makes life meaningful, in my opinion. I won't change that I think a lot, and while doing that, I will also try to add one more person - myself - to the group of rare good listeners.
For now though, I need to get some sleep first. :P
27.01.2017
Doctors Are The Worst Patients (?!)
We're on the eve of Lunar New Year and I feel like I just rose from the dead. 💀😅
No, seriously. A stupid virus took me down a couple of days ago, somewhat out of the blue, and my defence was clearly not prepared. Let me take you through the disease history.
On Tuesday afternoon, I joined my Prof in the Lupus Clinic and had a pretty good time. Towards the end, however, I was feeling a bit chilly around the throat, the typical feeling I get when a cold was approaching. I was like, "Aww, no, not again!" But I pulled a jacket over myself and went home to get a hot cup of tea, a homeopathic measure that usually helps in cases of the like.
Except this time, it didn't help much.
By 10 pm that night, I felt pretty worn out and the throat thing was getting worse. So I sent my parents a good night message early and went to bed, already thinking that I probably won't make it to work the next day. Within that same night, a headache worse than any headache I'd ever had in my life became my prime issue. Please note that I don't usually get headaches, and when I do, I can endure them pretty well. I'm quite a tough girl when it comes to pain in my head, and I pretty much never take any medication against them. But the headaches this time nearly killed me, and I seriously considered taking some Ibuprofen. (It's just that I didn't have any when it was the worst, and by the time anyone could help me buy some pills, the headache was not strong enough for me to take painkillers anymore.)
Either way, I struggled through that first night while not even being able to lie down because the elevated pressure was just too much for my head. When I woke up (and assumed it was) the next day (not sure to be honest, because the headache was too crazy), I was beginning to worry if I had not contracted a meningitis. I mean, severe headache with (possible) fever (again, not sure coz I didn't have a thermometer and the thermosensors in my hands were not quite accurate because I felt cold one minute and hot the next), coupled with mild flu-like symptoms but no significant sore throat and/or a running nose? What else could it be?
So I tried one of the meningism exams where I try to put my chin on my chest and see if it hurts. No pain. I tried to recall any incident where I could possibly catch some meningitis-causing bacteria. Well, I did go to the hospital every day. But rheuma patients aren't exactly the cohort of bacteria spreaders. Then again, I did have contact with some other virus-ridden ill people the days before... So my bet was on a viral meningitis, if it was a meningitis at all.
Epidemiologically seen, most viral meningitis are caused by viruses that can't be eliminated by any medication. The only thing to do in those cases is to support your body in finishing the virus off, by resting and resting and maybe having some vitamins, and maybe, just maybe, having some painkillers if the pain is too much. I was doing exactly that. Of course, I couldn't be 100 % sure that it wasn't something bacterial, or a virus one could do something about (in the case of Herpes simplex), so I had to keep observing the disease progression. For the next 24 hours or so, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, my phone never far away in case I needed to dial "000". I could never keep being awake for too long as the headache would just take over, always only enough time to drink something, to go to the toilet, or at the later stages cut me some watermelon for vitamin C.
Every moment I could think, I remember chanting in my head, "Go T-cells, go. Do your job!" Which is extremely nerdy, lol. I was determined if I didn't improve on Thursday, I would go to a hospital. But luckily, I did. The headaches, while still being pretty bad, were getting slightly better, and I could actually walk around for half an hour before the pain took over again. That was around the time when I finally had the strength to make some food and brief my parents about what was going on. Unsurprisingly, mom immediately scolded me about not taking any meds. Well, I needed to observe the disease progression, didn't I, and how can I do that if I mask the very informative headaches with some painkillers? Anyway, mom informed my aunties, and I received some more calls and some more scolding. 🙊
Now it's Friday, the New Year's Eve of the Lunar New Year, and I am actually so well that I can write this lengthy story. So there you go. I still don't feel like stressing my body to go out yet, so I'm just sitting home while there's probably some big party going on in the city. But my condition is improving every hour, and I'm pretty sure tomorrow I can do some research work again.
I remember the last time I was really sick (bad sinusitis), I was whining to mom and asked her to come visit and cook for me. This time I was too sick to even whine to her. Even though I do wish to have my mom in vicinity during sickness, I know I can survive on my own. I think that's pretty important. It's good to receive help when possible, but you should never entirely rely on other people. Sounds a little bitter with life though, doesn't it?
Anway, another thing is that mom and I always argue when I get sick. I mean, I get that from a carer's point of view, you just want to do anything to see the sick person suffer less, and that might include seeing a doctor in any case, or pumping into them heaps of paracetamol. But it's also just natural for med-educated people to think, "Well, if I go see a doctor, they'll just check this and that (stuff I can do by myself), and most likely they'll just tell me to get home and rest and prescribe some painkillers (also stuff I can do by myself)." Ask any other med student or physician, and you'll now what I mean.
(Also, to be quite honest, I was dreading a possible spinal tap... 🙈)
So, are we not the worst patients in the world, or what? :P
No, seriously. A stupid virus took me down a couple of days ago, somewhat out of the blue, and my defence was clearly not prepared. Let me take you through the disease history.
On Tuesday afternoon, I joined my Prof in the Lupus Clinic and had a pretty good time. Towards the end, however, I was feeling a bit chilly around the throat, the typical feeling I get when a cold was approaching. I was like, "Aww, no, not again!" But I pulled a jacket over myself and went home to get a hot cup of tea, a homeopathic measure that usually helps in cases of the like.
Except this time, it didn't help much.
By 10 pm that night, I felt pretty worn out and the throat thing was getting worse. So I sent my parents a good night message early and went to bed, already thinking that I probably won't make it to work the next day. Within that same night, a headache worse than any headache I'd ever had in my life became my prime issue. Please note that I don't usually get headaches, and when I do, I can endure them pretty well. I'm quite a tough girl when it comes to pain in my head, and I pretty much never take any medication against them. But the headaches this time nearly killed me, and I seriously considered taking some Ibuprofen. (It's just that I didn't have any when it was the worst, and by the time anyone could help me buy some pills, the headache was not strong enough for me to take painkillers anymore.)
Either way, I struggled through that first night while not even being able to lie down because the elevated pressure was just too much for my head. When I woke up (and assumed it was) the next day (not sure to be honest, because the headache was too crazy), I was beginning to worry if I had not contracted a meningitis. I mean, severe headache with (possible) fever (again, not sure coz I didn't have a thermometer and the thermosensors in my hands were not quite accurate because I felt cold one minute and hot the next), coupled with mild flu-like symptoms but no significant sore throat and/or a running nose? What else could it be?
So I tried one of the meningism exams where I try to put my chin on my chest and see if it hurts. No pain. I tried to recall any incident where I could possibly catch some meningitis-causing bacteria. Well, I did go to the hospital every day. But rheuma patients aren't exactly the cohort of bacteria spreaders. Then again, I did have contact with some other virus-ridden ill people the days before... So my bet was on a viral meningitis, if it was a meningitis at all.
Epidemiologically seen, most viral meningitis are caused by viruses that can't be eliminated by any medication. The only thing to do in those cases is to support your body in finishing the virus off, by resting and resting and maybe having some vitamins, and maybe, just maybe, having some painkillers if the pain is too much. I was doing exactly that. Of course, I couldn't be 100 % sure that it wasn't something bacterial, or a virus one could do something about (in the case of Herpes simplex), so I had to keep observing the disease progression. For the next 24 hours or so, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, my phone never far away in case I needed to dial "000". I could never keep being awake for too long as the headache would just take over, always only enough time to drink something, to go to the toilet, or at the later stages cut me some watermelon for vitamin C.
Every moment I could think, I remember chanting in my head, "Go T-cells, go. Do your job!" Which is extremely nerdy, lol. I was determined if I didn't improve on Thursday, I would go to a hospital. But luckily, I did. The headaches, while still being pretty bad, were getting slightly better, and I could actually walk around for half an hour before the pain took over again. That was around the time when I finally had the strength to make some food and brief my parents about what was going on. Unsurprisingly, mom immediately scolded me about not taking any meds. Well, I needed to observe the disease progression, didn't I, and how can I do that if I mask the very informative headaches with some painkillers? Anyway, mom informed my aunties, and I received some more calls and some more scolding. 🙊
Now it's Friday, the New Year's Eve of the Lunar New Year, and I am actually so well that I can write this lengthy story. So there you go. I still don't feel like stressing my body to go out yet, so I'm just sitting home while there's probably some big party going on in the city. But my condition is improving every hour, and I'm pretty sure tomorrow I can do some research work again.
I remember the last time I was really sick (bad sinusitis), I was whining to mom and asked her to come visit and cook for me. This time I was too sick to even whine to her. Even though I do wish to have my mom in vicinity during sickness, I know I can survive on my own. I think that's pretty important. It's good to receive help when possible, but you should never entirely rely on other people. Sounds a little bitter with life though, doesn't it?
Anway, another thing is that mom and I always argue when I get sick. I mean, I get that from a carer's point of view, you just want to do anything to see the sick person suffer less, and that might include seeing a doctor in any case, or pumping into them heaps of paracetamol. But it's also just natural for med-educated people to think, "Well, if I go see a doctor, they'll just check this and that (stuff I can do by myself), and most likely they'll just tell me to get home and rest and prescribe some painkillers (also stuff I can do by myself)." Ask any other med student or physician, and you'll now what I mean.
(Also, to be quite honest, I was dreading a possible spinal tap... 🙈)
So, are we not the worst patients in the world, or what? :P
(It's the year of the Rooster this year, that's my zodiac sign! Could only mean good things now, right? Not that I'm superstitious or anything. Anyway, happy lunar new year!)
02.01.2017
Goodbye 2016, It's About Time
Another
year has passed, and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt time flying faster than this
time. The sudden realization that I’ll be 24 this year surely doesn’t make me
feel better. I don’t consider 24 old, it’s just that I don’t feel accomplished
enough for a 24-year-old, with so many things I haven’t been able to get done.
But well, we should all look at the bright side of things, shouldn’t we? So I
shall focus more on the things I did
get done so far, which are not so small in number, either. I guess.
Two-thousand-and-sixteen,
the year so many people have learned to curse, really. I don’t know what the
odds are that so many famous people died within one year, but just the events
of Aleppo, Nizza, and the American Election, to name a few, are enough to deem
2016 rather unfortunate. For me personally, 2016 hasn’t been the best time of
my life, either.
Following
me the whole year was that one issue, at the end of which I got my heart
broken. It is so hard, so hard, to accept that someone you love has changed,
and the person you’re loving does not actually exist anymore. I’ve had my share
of misery and tears until I was strong enough to let go. (That hurt just as
much as holding on, to be honest.) Yeah, it still is difficult sometimes, but
at least I can always come back to that determination in my head that
constantly says, “You’ve hurt me long enough. Enough’s enough.” And when I can
feel the absence of anger, that’s when I know I’ll be alright.
While in
2015, I was thriving in my social life, I think I rather failed in 2016, even
more so towards the end of the year. Especially going through that misery time
mentioned above (let’s call it the Big Issue) I often have the feeling that no
one can quite keep up with my thoughts and feelings, not even my mom. And being
the person so often in need of sharing and caring, the whole situation sucked
to me, badly.
I had big
plans for 2016 actually, like going to Australia, working on my dissertation
thesis, and so on. None of my plans went smoothly, and a lot of them were only
fulfilled in parts. I really do think that it all has something to do with the
Big Issue, as it distracted me too much to perform well in anything. This would
be a first actually, me letting emotions affect work. Another reason to keep
myself more in check in 2017.
But enough
of the dark stuff, let’s look at the bright side. There are two positive things
that I’ll remember 2016 for. One of them is the Twinning project with the
medical faculty in Kaunas, Lithuania. I had the best two weeks in a very, very
long time with the people then, only happy memories of laughter and smiles
coming up when I think back to it. For that, I am endlessly grateful to
everyone who participated and made that special memory of mine possible. The
last times that I can remember savoring every moment of a trip like that is up
to ten years ago, when I visited my friends in Vietnam for the first few times.
The second thing I shall be thankful for in 2016 is becoming flatmates with
Yaldi and Tobi. Especially Yaldi has turned out to be a treasure. I don’t think
I’ve ever had that much fun living outside of my parent’s home, and I have been
doing that for over five years already. If you two are reading this, please
know that I love you guys to bits. But I guess you already know that. :P
Well yeah,
that’s my looking back for this year. I like to look back in order to pave the
roads for the future, so now I shall list my resolutions for 2017:
·
· Learn Japanese properly.· Get a satisfying result for the second state exam this summer. (Dis I’m most scared of tbh.)
· Keep balance by being active and doing sports even more regularly.
· Educate myself more about social issues, especially gender equality and economics, and then form some stances that are based on more systematic reasoning.
Gosh, that sounds so nerdy. But that also really sounds like me. :P
I have a good feeling about 2017. Let's wait and see.
10.12.2016
Australia Cheered Me Up
I've been in Melbourne for a week now. I feel quite good.
I don't know, it's always easier to break free from the world that is hard on you, and just get a fresh start somewhere else. Maybe that is also part of the reason why I can never stay at one place for too long? Saying goodbye is really hard, everytime, but thinking about it, I probably prefer quitting while I'm ahead over staying long enough for drama to catch up with me. Sounds like I'm the type who likes to take a run when it gets hard, no?
I'm not, actually. But I won't deny running away is always easier. (And the convenient thing about not having another choice is that guilt just doesn't drown you as much).
I've reunited with family members that I haven't seen in years. Leave one family to get to another. Yeah, that's not so bad if done once in a while. I'm happy where I am right now.
Also, Melbourne reminds me of someone. A pretty cool person from a long, long time ago. You know that feeling when you're trying to meet up with someone you used to have a crush on, and while you probably aren't crushing on them that much anymore, you still get that nervous and tingling feeling in your stomach? I don't even know if we can meet, but my mind has already conjured up endless of possible scenarios already. Everytime I think about it, I grin like an idiot. Silly me...
Well. Let's just see how this Aussie land treats me, yeah?
----------
ETA: I can't believe what just happened.
I watched a weird youtube video with my 4-year-old cousin and almost blurted out, "What the f--", but stopped myself just in time. I was like, phew, nice save there, Phiphi.
Ten minutes into playing another game, she burped out of nowhere. I laughed at her, but she turned and said into my face, "Fuck you!" And ran away crying with laughter.
W.T.F.
I was paralysed right then and there. Just like that one time in Singapore, when Quynh threw such a filthy word at me I was in shock for the rest of the day.
Sigh. Kids nowadays...
I don't know, it's always easier to break free from the world that is hard on you, and just get a fresh start somewhere else. Maybe that is also part of the reason why I can never stay at one place for too long? Saying goodbye is really hard, everytime, but thinking about it, I probably prefer quitting while I'm ahead over staying long enough for drama to catch up with me. Sounds like I'm the type who likes to take a run when it gets hard, no?
I'm not, actually. But I won't deny running away is always easier. (And the convenient thing about not having another choice is that guilt just doesn't drown you as much).
I've reunited with family members that I haven't seen in years. Leave one family to get to another. Yeah, that's not so bad if done once in a while. I'm happy where I am right now.
Also, Melbourne reminds me of someone. A pretty cool person from a long, long time ago. You know that feeling when you're trying to meet up with someone you used to have a crush on, and while you probably aren't crushing on them that much anymore, you still get that nervous and tingling feeling in your stomach? I don't even know if we can meet, but my mind has already conjured up endless of possible scenarios already. Everytime I think about it, I grin like an idiot. Silly me...
Well. Let's just see how this Aussie land treats me, yeah?
----------
ETA: I can't believe what just happened.
I watched a weird youtube video with my 4-year-old cousin and almost blurted out, "What the f--", but stopped myself just in time. I was like, phew, nice save there, Phiphi.
Ten minutes into playing another game, she burped out of nowhere. I laughed at her, but she turned and said into my face, "Fuck you!" And ran away crying with laughter.
W.T.F.
I was paralysed right then and there. Just like that one time in Singapore, when Quynh threw such a filthy word at me I was in shock for the rest of the day.
Sigh. Kids nowadays...
28.11.2016
Someone Give me a Surge of Strength, Please
I never thought that one day, we would be in this situation. I never thought that it could ever happen to me. I really wish I could turn back time to re-do things I wish I had done differently, but then I also think that it's not only my actions that has led to this outcome. It breaks my heart over and over again, every time I think about it.
Some people think one needs to let go, when one loves someone and they don't love back. Others think it is a gift, the act of loving in itself. I don't know what I think. I don't think it is ever going to be easy for me to stop loving once I truly love someone, even though at times, love can be buried by other consuming emotions. But I have to let go eventually, don't I? Because I also don't think that I can live with being constantly hurt...
"Love is not a reason to tolerate disrespect." I just read that quote recently. It's true, isn't it?
[But don't you understand that I find giving up on you just as hard and as hurtful as keeping loving you? Why do you have to put me through this? Whatever I try, it always results in me being heartbroken. I wish you could be different, but oh what do they usually say? Do not try to change others, try to adjust your attitude. But I'm really at my wit's end here...]
Nothing is going well for me in the past two months. Nothing. I hate that last year was so hard towards the end of the year, and this year it is just the same. I won't break down, but it is about goddamn time that something good happens to me again.
Some people think one needs to let go, when one loves someone and they don't love back. Others think it is a gift, the act of loving in itself. I don't know what I think. I don't think it is ever going to be easy for me to stop loving once I truly love someone, even though at times, love can be buried by other consuming emotions. But I have to let go eventually, don't I? Because I also don't think that I can live with being constantly hurt...
"Love is not a reason to tolerate disrespect." I just read that quote recently. It's true, isn't it?
[But don't you understand that I find giving up on you just as hard and as hurtful as keeping loving you? Why do you have to put me through this? Whatever I try, it always results in me being heartbroken. I wish you could be different, but oh what do they usually say? Do not try to change others, try to adjust your attitude. But I'm really at my wit's end here...]
Nothing is going well for me in the past two months. Nothing. I hate that last year was so hard towards the end of the year, and this year it is just the same. I won't break down, but it is about goddamn time that something good happens to me again.
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