That 2019 Lookback

It's quite amazing how we're already nearing the end of 2019 and with that, also the end of the second decade of the 21st century. Even though years and decades are human constructs and should not pressure us into doing things within the borders of that construct, I do think it is quite nice to have an end and a beginning as an occasion to self-reflect. I kind of ditched that "tradition" of end-of-the-year reflections two years ago, but this year was so eventful that it really seems worth doing a lookback. So here it goes.

Let me try to put things in chronological order. The very first event that pops up in my mind when I think of the beginning of 2019 is my trip to Vietnam. I spent about one month in my home country, writing my thesis while spending time with family and some friends. Also important to me, I finally experienced Tet holidays in Vietnam again after 13 years or so. But honestly, as of this very moment, I cannot recall too many things about it... I think bringing my thesis home was my big mistake. Writing my thesis is always latently stressful, and with that always at the back of my head, I wasn't able to fully enjoy the Vietnamese experience. I left Vietnam feeling rather sad and quite regretful, so that's definitely something I should learn from for the future.

Coming back to Germany around March also meant diving into Work Life for me. Starting work is definitely the greatest new experience for me this year. I was able to learn so much for the past ten months, and that learning certainly exceeds sheer professional knowledge but includes so many other things as well. I will have to lay them out one by one in the next sections. Considering the work aspect alone I can confidently say that I am really happy where I am. I feel comfortable with my team, my colleagues and my superiors, and the work of being a doctor itself brings me great joy.

For the first half of 2019, my relationships recorded more novel events in the family department. For one, Lucy came into my life, and she keeps cuddling herself deeper and deeper into my heart (that'd be cheesy-me speaking). For two, Van and Lena are two additions into our big family that I both treasure. Bach went and is going through a hard time but at least he's around right now, and quite honestly the few months during summer when he was at his personal best, I was able to learn to love so many more sides of him. That of course, made me grow as well. Last but not least, our grandparents visiting for 3 months during late summer was an important family event as well. This year, now that I am looking back at it, held so much family bonding time than every year ever before. That's definitely something very valuable to me.

The non-family relationships gravitated towards the latter half of the year. Standing in the center of course are my relationships at work, and I am so happy to have that little bit of luck to be able to turn that normal collegiality into genuine friendships. Also, Marie decided to come over to Leipzig and that is such a huge bonus point, not to mention Elis, who also settled down in Leipzig and started in the same hospital as me. So my social circle became really stable rather quickly, which even surprised me a little bit. It opens up my time and effort capacity to expand that circle, which I continue doing even until now. We all know how I enjoy different input from different people. That's the reason I went out regularly with our students who always come and go, joined a tennis club in September, and keep conjuring up plans to meet other non-medical people with other common interests. The goal, as I read from a book I forgot the name, should be to engage oneself in a work-related and in a non-work-related group in one's free time. The new people I've met through those activities this year are mostly really interesting ones, and with some, there is even genuine potential for developing deeper connections (troublesome enough, also something I have a craving for).

Some experiences with deeper and more earnest human connections have taught me great lessons this year as well. Those experiences are valuable to me in a sense that they helped me understand my subconscious thoughts, my needs and my way of loving much better. I reflected in great detail the way I handled some difficult relationship problems. One of the prominent things that I am satisfied with is my effort in showing vulnerability. It takes courage to be vulnerable, I tell you. I doesn't come easy to me, at all, but I am getting there slowly. Even though it was tiring to go through times when the heart had to take blows, I still think that it's all worth it, for the moments that the heart could flutter. But that's not a new realization to me, now is it? What's new is rather my positive confidence I was able to gain after those difficult times, particularly in the way of handling love without the constant fear of hurting the people I hold dear. I feel like I got a step closer towards tackling my commitment issues, and maybe, the time will soon come when I am ready to give myself a chance at really intimate and profound bonds again.

And then there's another great "milestone" I need to mention. It took me several months of pondering until I finally succeeded in identifying my "new" life goals sometime around December this year. Without having clear goals in front of my eyes, it always feels like I just live my days off while wandering around aimlessly. Until last year, the goal was to finish med school and know where I want to start off from. That was a semi-longterm goal I followed for such a long time. But once that was achieved, I needed a new set of goals to strive towards. I think the difficulty in the beginning was that I attained so many new tools to work with, I had to get to know them first to be able to choose adequate and meaningful goals. That process of getting to know my own potential took so long. Suddenly I had access to a lot of money, to influential people, to seemingly endless knowledge and skills acquisition, and with all that the potential to do so, so many things. The only thing that I have less access to is time. So after months and months of proposing goals, assessing and readjusting them, I finally stand at the end of 2019 with my personalized concept of the "Big Five For Life". Allow me to introduce them at another time in a separate post.

I don't know, I feel like I have forgotten to reflect on some meaningful events this year. But I also feel like it's a good time to proceed with some simple resolutions for 2020 now. So here's to myself:

• Document your life more in 2020! Drop more posts in whatever form on whatever platform. Do it for the memories. Do it for yourself! You enjoy self-reflection so much, you need something to work with. Maybe one documentation per month?
• Experience the process of starting a social project by pulling through with your two ideas of optimizing PJ-teaching and establishing a network of Vietnamese doctors. Doesn't matter if those projects succeed or fail. Do it for the valuable experience. You will never run out of ideas, so work on what you're lacking right now - that is, experience.
• Finish your thesis. Push whoever you need to push, bother whoever you need to bother. Get.It.Done. At the least, you need to see a concrete, definite end this year. 

As for one or two other resolutions, they shall be kept in private, as usual. :P 

The year 2019 was so fascinating, I can't wait for 2020 already. 

Way Too Many Thoughts On My Mind These Days

Hey.

Guess what: Unlike the prediction in the previous post, here I am again, but not to write about some drama because a life update was too boring. I'm seeing a new pattern of "reasons to be writing" though. That is, to procrastinate on my dissertation thesis... Oops. But then again, yesterday I just watched a video about "Habits of successful people" and firstly, they praise creative writing, and secondly, they promote strategic procrastination. Obviously, I am being strategic in my procrastination by taking up creative writing instead of academic writing right now. (Or I am just making up excuses for myself.)

Anyway, enough of the rambles. The past couple of weeks have been intense weeks with respect to my mental muscles. In other words, I have been thinking a lot about various things, thanks to a number of different input sources. For the sake of a better overview, let me make out a list first. In no particular order.
1.) Communication skills. In particular, how to make others genuinely consider your viewpoint.
2.) Systems of morality and values in life. Philosophy versus/and religion.
3.) A 10-year goal for me to work on (or the lack thereof).
4.) My personal moral system for the medical profession.
5.) My fear of hurting the people I love or should be loving.
6.) My issues with love and commitment.

And now a few more details about each point.

1.) Communication skills. In particular, how to make others genuinely consider your viewpoint.
This is actually something that I'm occupied with for a long, long time already. I am thinking more intensely about it these days because Bach is also working on it, and him sharing his new thoughts and ideas surely helps me develop mine. Without going too much into details (way too many things to talk about, and I haven't even systematically looked at them yet), I can sum up the following points in regard to how to persuade people:
- Make them feel that you understand their view first and foremost. Techniques for that include active listening by paraphrasing and stuff, but I guess it's also important to simply remember that you should always genuinely try to understand others' viewpoint anyway.
- Ideally, make them come up with doubts about their own ideas. The Socratic method of asking questions that are likely to get a "Yes" as an answer, and to raise doubt only with those kind of questions organized in a smart way is a difficult but effective technique.
- Have patience. As always, lots of patience.

2.) Systems of morality and values in life. Philosophy versus/and religion.
Most people who have the habit of reflecting do that to become better versions of themselves. But what does being a "good" person mean to each and everyone of us in the first place? Where do we base our notions of morality on? I am getting in more contact with faith, in particular Christianity these days, so this opens up an entire new view that is very exciting for me to discover. Probably not in a sense that I will get converted anytime soon, but uncharted waters always have a certain charm, isn't it so? At the same time, I am really investing more time into learning about different philosophical concepts. For both things, Bach is again somewhat of an influence. (I can't believe how quickly things can change... About ten years ago he was the one to always gets influenced by me. I can't say I mind the current situation though.) Anyway, the point is, if religion and existing philosophical concepts are two ways to guide your way of living, I refuse to put everything in following either. Each and every pre-existing concept has a huge flaw of being conjured up in very different times, and the more complex a concept is, the more ideas it will have that are not applicable to our current times. This applies to the bible, but also to the two philosophical entities that I really like: confucianism and stoicism. Maybe it doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with outdated ideas. Maybe it's just my critical mind that does not agree in total with any complex "living guide" provided by someone else's mind. I can agree with a lot of things, follow a lot of opinions, get inspired by a lot of ideas but I have yet to find something that convinces me in each and every detail. Maybe I really wish to find something like that, but perhaps it's also not too bad to stay extremely critical as to how to lead a life as a "good" person. A couple of days ago, the thought came into my mind that this actually means that I need to build up my own philosophical system. Based on the ideas of others, containing some of my own, but it will be the way I think is the best way to live my life. And maybe, my way can inspire others to live theirs, too.

3.) A 10-year goal for me to work on (or the lack thereof).
I have come to the appalling realization that I no longer have a long-term life goal to work on. My ultimate goal is always clear to me, that is, to live as a good person, but that's not what I mean. I mean the kind of goal that sets a bigger picture you strive towards for five to ten years, like climbing Mt. Everest, or go watch every Grand Slam one after the other, like one of my friends told me the other day. It doesn't necessarily have to be something super fancy, but it needs to be so great you can't reach it as of right now, yet realistic enough to motivate you working towards it everyday. I need to think of mine. I want mine to not just be about myself this time but to have an impact on other's lives in a positive way, and the two things that come to my mind spontaneously are teaching (because I love teaching) and Vietnam (also because I love Vietnam). These two do not necessarily have to be connected, but my goal will contain at least one. What that goal will be, I do not know yet. I only have some vague ideas, and I will definitely need to sit down, think of my dreams some more, and pull the dreams down to earth a little bit. I will report once I have something more tangible.

4.) My personal moral system for the medical profession.
To be finally working as a medical professional also means to be finally working with people more than books, and suddenly I am much more sensitized to ethics in medicine. (This also makes me think, is a "togetherness" with other living creatures the root of ethical discussions? Will there be ethics and morality to someone who lives shut out on an island without any other person? Would it make a difference if there were animals or not? Holding that thought for another day.) Either way, I am seeing ethical conflicts more clearly in my daily routine in the clinic, which makes me realize I need to step back and re-think more in detail about what kind of doctor I want to be. To be prepared and to have clearly set goals is always better. This might be incorporated into my upcoming philosophical conception, so sit tight. It all may take a little while though...

For points 5.) and 6.), I think I will just leave it at that. For one, it's rather a bit too private to share publicly, and for two, I think I have (strategically) procrastinated enough. :P Fingers crossed for a less abrupt ending next time. ✌

My Life Without Drama

Dearest blog, aren't you just a little bit tired of me coming to you to deposit all my heavy thoughts and feelings, or rather snippets of them, and then leaving for months and years, only to come back and do the same thing over and over? I know I would be tired. But has there been anything I succeeded in really sustaining commitment so far...?

Well, things are about to change. Or rather, things have to change. I started practicing commitment by getting a puppy. By general definition, an eight-year-old, 40-kg-heavy dog wouldn't be termed a puppy, but we're not going by general definition anyway. When I look at Lucy, a see a puppy. A big, very big puppy, but a puppy nonetheless. So a puppy she is. We've been together for about four months, and things are going great so far. But now I am starting to work - a big change for both of us obviously - so we have to see how things will turn out to be.

This brings me to the other news I'd like to share with you. Yes, I am finally starting as a real doc, working in the Rheumatology department as I wanted. I can't really tell you much more, because it was my third day today, and all I've seen are orientation/introductory lectures. The highlight of which was a lecture by one of the attendings in the Mibi department, who looked and spoke exactly like Edna in The Incredibles. And I met my colleagues, who are all really fun and nice to be with so far, so I really do not have anything to complain about. I will probably come running to you the first time I have a crisis, which most likely will be a reality check that just won't fit with my idealist bum. Well, we'll see.

It's nicer to think about family, because we're having new recruits. My cousin just joined the Big House and will stay for at least a year, starting her studies here in Leipzig. My auntie, who is only a three years older than me, is delivering a baby in a couple of days. Exciting times it is for all of us, as you can tell. All this makes me happy because the part in me that loves new input, including people, hasn't changed one bit. In addition to family recruits, I am also making new friends at the workplace. That's still in the early stages so I can't tell who I'll be close to, but I am confident they'll enrich my life quite well. I will also try to enlarge my social circle outside of work, but one step at a time, I would say. Once I settle in a bit at work, I'll choose a sports place to join in.

Well, that was a non-dramatic update of my life. Maybe in a couple of days, I'll realize this is way too boring and go back to only coming for the drama again. Haha, we'll see. Peace out, bloggie!

A Rather Sad Hello From Vietnam

Greetings from my beautiful home country, dearest (almost forgotten) blog. It's been a while, hasn't it? Even though I really hope to not open the next ten blog posts this way, it might just be pie in the sky.

Today, I am writing for several reasons. One, I am procrastinating on my thesis (again, sadly). Two, I want to update you (and my future self) on the state of life I am in right now. And three, the good old reason that brings me back to this blog rather often: I am having some thoughts I feel like sharing. So yes, I am sitting in a cute cafe somewhere in Hanoi again, sipping on Vietnamese "nâu nóng" and pondering on thoughts, while a kitten grazes about my legs. I can't really complain.

But now let me get straight to business. The last time I visited Vietnam was three and a half years ago. It didn't feel like that long of a timespan until I caught up with some friends and realized how much I missed out on their lives. I also didn't realize how hard I missed out on my own changes until I started noticing how differently I feel about Vietnam... I used to feel so at home, and with Hanoi, especially in love with every single detail. I used to (some would say, blindly) like all Hanoian traits, no matter how badly despised by Vietnamese from other regions. I used to see all the positive sides of Vietnam and Hanoi, even in the negative things. But now... I have become older, I have grown tired. I guess. I'm not sure if I like it.

Interestingly, I don't think Hanoi or Vietnamese people changed that much. It is all just me. The same issue, for example, with how Hanoians treat each other, or the tone people use to speak to one another, I have seen and understood years ago. I remember I even wrote a blog entry about it. Back then, I didn't mind the harsh words people used and instead focused on how well people treat their friends and family. Now, I do mind the tone and language. Especially seeing how the people in my immediate social circle increasingly become what would be called "hách dịch" in Vietnamese, I am not surprised by the way things run around here. But I do want to note something about the German way as well. Maybe it's me and not just a "German" thing (I have to say it, because Germans can get petty), but without the German influence, I wouldn't be this way. That is to say that the friendliness Germans value so much is sometimes too superficial for my own liking, too. I caught myself red-handed how I, out of habit, greeted an unacquainted old woman on the street in my rural hometown, but diverted my gaze away so fast I totally ignored her greeting back. To be fair, someone greeting me back instead of looking puzzled happens once in a blue moon, but still, it sure does feel like I could be a bit more sincere with my greeting. Well yeah, to think about it, it probably is more a "me" thing, maybe a "city people" thing, than a German thing. (But the thing about German friendliness being sometimes too superficial for me still applies.)

Anyway, the second issue I am having thoughts about is... ideology. Especially around Lunar New Year, the traditional, Confucious-inspired way of thinking is even more apparent in everyday life. And large parts of Confucian philosophy is my jam, if you haven't noticed. But the content that is propagated is so different from reality, it even hurts me a bit to see. Cái gì mà ngay thẳng, cái gì mà trung thực, cái gì mà thanh liêm. It's a bit sad, a bit frustrating.

Well, I would elaborate a bit more if I had more time. I have an appointment now, but I surely have to go back and do some more thinking, because it would be rather regretful if I left Vietnam this time feelings this depressed about something I used to love so much.
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