Caring Friends - My Christmas Present

The year is coming to an end and there's still no sign of snow. I really can't remember the last time I experienced a white Christmas. But nowadays, I've become so indifferent towards snow that it doesn't really matter to me anymore.

Quite a few things have happened between my last blog post and this one. I have no idea why this year's pre-Christmas season is so eventful to me and the people around me. I know of at least five others who will not have normal cheerful Christmas holidays because of shit life has put them through. For my family, it will be the first time we're not complete for Christmas...

The upside of going through a hard time is that people who genuinely care about you will pop up. Their caring ranges from lending you an ear, a shoulder, to just small little things like frequently asking how you are, remembering the little things you said that even you would forget, if they didn't remind you. Yes, some people like that popped up and made me feel loved, and I honestly think it has been a while since I had the privilege to feel this way about my friends. A friend in need is a friend, indeed.

Well, I have always been a person who cares a lot. People like me would like to be cared for in return very much, and we tend to be disappointed when that doesn't happen. It doesn't make us hate the people who neglect us, but it does make us appreciate immensely the ones who care. Everytime I go through some events that are, in my terms, shocking, I find a new person who offers me consolation and support.

That is also the reason why I love my Vietnamese friends so much. It might be the Vietnamese mentality, the Asian mentality, I don't know, but a lot of them are the same type of caring people. The type who notices small gestures, who appreciates little things others do for them. I have gone through a lot with them, and I honestly think that's what made us bond so firmly. Of course happy times when you goof around is important, but being there for each other, caring about each other during hard times is what is crucial for a life-lasting friendship. Or is there any other explanation for why I still feel the same about my Vietnamese friends when we only meet every two years, and I have been gone for almost 10? I just... feel very intense emotions for them. :P

Apart from my commitment issue and lack of patience, which pose problems to any kind of relationship, the bottom line of this post is, I still have a lot of love to give. And thanks to the quite unexpected people who give me back the same, I think I can spend this Christmas feeling happier than what I had imagined a couple of weeks ago. Mostly for myself, this is a reminder that I shall never forget what they have done for me during this difficult time. Mina and Edith, I will make sure they know how much it all means to me.

And on that note, have a warm Christmas, everyone.  :)

My Luxembourgers With Their Perfect Timing

It's getting better these days.

My brother's situation is improving, my family is less stressed, and I find it easier to smile and be genuinely happy about things.

This weekend, I had my two Luxembourgish friends over for a visit. France and Philippe - I met them during my internship in Hanoi this summer, and we immediately hit it off. It was so easy with them. And because we got along so well, a reunion was planned for this year even before we had to part.

Time is Ticking

This world is really a weird place as of lately. I have a feeling as if nothing is working the way it's supposed to, and I have no idea how to fix it.

It starts with my family, of course, that is in tremendous trouble. Then on Friday 13th, the attacks on Paris happened, along with bombings in Baghdad and Beirut, the tragedy in Somalia, and the violence breaking out in South Korea. I know bombings and attacks happen all the time in politically instable countries, but for some reason, it all just started to reappear in the media on that very unlucky Friday.

I'm in no way a superstitious person, hence I don't account all that to Friday 13th, but it does awe me a little bit how fucked up the whole world just suddenly is in my eyes. As if there's no justifiable reason to laugh out loud these days, you know?

I have lost all the inclination to go to any type of party. Very unfitting for an ERASMUS semester, I truly feel like I should not waste any more time on getting drunk or dancing my ass off in a dark, smoky bar. I should be doing more meaningful things than that.

You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. And there's so many things I want to do before it's all too late.

My Family

To me, my family has not always been my favorite people in the world. As applied to a lot of teenagers, my life revolves around friends for quite a few years of my puberty. It was only until the end of puberty, when, partly due to repeated school transfers, my friendships all more or less faded that I realized the only consistence part of my life are my parents, my brother and my sister. And I quite liked that consistence.

When I say that this consistence compromises of unconditional love, protection, care, guidance, and just simply being-there, I mainly mean my parents, of course. For my siblings, it's rather the other way around. I try my best to give them the same things I receive during all my life. In return, they usually give me love and strength, often unconsciously, but since they are still kids, that's all I'm asking for. 

Now my family has always been there for me when I needed them, provided that I let them in, of course. No matter what bullshit I do or say, it was always forgiven because of one simple power: love. It may sound pretty cheesy and clichéd, but there really isn't a more appropriate description I can give. The responsible person in me tries to give back the same treatment to my family, but the heart, of course, does it just out of love (my feelings really like to reciprocate other's positive feelings to me quite easily).

Anyway, my point being: my life is great right now in Prague, but my family is in trouble, and I have to be there for them.

My parents are extremely busy and stressed with work, coupled with construction and renovation work in our house. My brother is a (probably depressed) computer addict and is about to quit school in favor of locking himself up in his room and playing games. My sister is having an exhausting time finding friends at her new school and has lost all the fun and motivation to learn. 

Yes, just how more fcked up can the situation be? 

I find it so hard to go out to have a drink with friends when at home, my brother runs out at 1 in the morning because my dad turned off the internet connection. I can't properly be in a party mood when at home, my sister cries because on that day in class, she was the only one left alone when they were asked to make groups of two. And how am I supposed to be happy when I know that my parents, one of the people I love the most, are stressed out and sad? 

By now I have succumbed to the fact that there's only a limited list of things I can do. To my brother, I cannot reach out. Not anymore. For my parents, I can support them by words, and sometimes just by my presence as I do try to visit home often, and on that chance, help them do the mundane things that need to be done, like cleaning the house. With my sister, I'm studying together now, explaining and helping her with anything she doesn't understand, and give her tips on how to get more friends. 

I have realized that in order to do all that, I have to have happy moments for my own sake. I have to get energy and strength from other sources, when the main source I have received in from up until now is in trouble and cannot provide it as before. If I'm always thinking about how forlorn the situation at home is right now, I myself will get depressed, too. That's why now I'm trying to go out with friends, I'm trying to be in a good mood at parties, I'm trying to keep enjoying Prague, this beautiful city. I have to be ready to take on whatever is waiting for me at home.

It's just sometimes, I find it very hard to switch. A surge of guilt always clouds my mind when I come home from happy Prague, and one night is always the least it takes for me to push back the depressive feelings of my family's problems. I just came back to Prague yesterday night, hence this chunk of text. It helps me switch more easily, I guess, or hope. 

However hard it might be, I'm positive we will make it. I just hope it's doesn't take too long...

To the Guy I Still Love the Most

You're the one going thourgh puberty, you're the one who's doing a huge deal of going through shit and growing up, but here I am feeling as if I'm going through not less shit than you, and I'm having not less of a growing-up experience than you.

Is it a guy's thing, really? Not speaking about feelings, not saying anything about what you think, what makes you happy, what makes you sad? I've always had trouble accepting silence of the people who are dear to me, because I just can't understand it. If something bothers you, why in the freaking world wouldn't you tell it to the people you trust the most? Why? I just don't get it. 

There was a time I was very, very convinced that there's something wrong with your head, or heart, or both. How can a person live and be so indifferent about everything and everyone? When you used to open up more to me, you told me that you don't feel the need of having a best friend, or a close friend, for that matter. It's enough to have some friends who share the same hobbies and habits, and to meet up with them from time to time. I told you that just to "meet up from time to time" won't give you the people you can count on later in life, because every relationship needs continuous nourishing, be it partnerships, friendships, or even family. (I still don't believe in that kind of friendship where you "never talk to each other for years" but then are BFFs all of a sudden when you meet again). You were unimpressed with my words back then. 

I could see that you didn't have the best of friends around you in school. You're more of a nerd, you like computer games, you have some real-life friends from soccer, but more random online friends from your games. I, more than anyone, should know to appreciate relationships forming and developing online, because I've been through it, I told you. Most of my friends in Vietnam wouldn't be my bestest friends now, hadn't there been this thing called the Internet. But online relationships should never be worth of sacrificing real life relationships, this I've also told you. When you get mobbed online, it's easier to turn off the computer than when you get mobbed in real life. When you get hurt in real life, online people can only send you the best of wishes, but it's the real-life people that can actually help you. It's important to balance the two, but never in favor of online relationships...

I know you're probably a bit eccentric, as you tend to have really deep thoughts sometimes, mostly about random philosophy stuff, but the most simple things in life, you don't want to give a thought about it. Your Philosophy/Ethics teacher is fascinated by your attritubtion to her classes, while at home, I'm just throwing my hands in defeat wondering why you wouldn't care one bit about how the things you do would affect the people who love you the most.

I only wish that you would think more about the people around you instead of thinking about some far-away people or far-fetched topics. Our mother showed me a sheet of paper she accidentally found in your room the other day. You scribbled some thoughts you never told any of us on that paper, and reading that was making me quite emotional. It was then that I realize you used to (or still, I don't know, I'm not sure) think about your relationships with friends at school, about school, about your goals, about girlfriends even (and here I thought you always liked computer games too much to care). It's like a completely different you; a person I would rather deem mentally healthy than that boy I see now at home. I don't know if now, you're still the same, as in you appear to be indifferent but when you're on your own, you still think about the necessary things. But one thing I know for sure is that even if you're not completely indifferent, you still don't give life around you enough thought. 

And the one thing I can hardly ever accept is the punishing silence you give your family members whenever you're in a bad mood. Before, when you used to have trouble just expressing yourself, it was something else. But now, you just don't want to talk. It makes me feel like I'm not worth talking to, my questions are not worth an answer, my disappointments not worth an explanation. It's the highest form of disrespect anybody, not just you, can give me, really. You're not the first person who acts like a jerk like that. Just know that to me, it pretty much translates into, "I'm not giving a fck about my relationship with you." And why, then, should I give a fck in return?

Unless I can't help it, of course. When the jerk is, I don't know, my brother, for example.

I'm a bit stuck here, really. I just want my brother back. The one I used to play soccer with, the one I can non-stop talk about martial arts movies or Detective Conan to, the one I bicker with about whether English or French is the better language, the one who listened with great interest whenever I explain anything science-related. The one I spent most of my childhood with, basically.

Now that one just doesn't listen or talk to me anymore...

Just tell me, what can I do to have my brother back, really?

Nine Things

I have been charmed by Prague for three weeks by now, and I think I can already safely say that doing this exchange semester is the best decision I could make for my entire studies. The exchange itself is great, and Prague in particular isn't any less of a reason that makes this half a year being out of Germany so wonderful.

So here is a list of nine things concerning my exchange semester that I'm loving most so far.

I'm still alive

It has been a really long time, hasn't it? I really wanted to update this blog regularly during my travel but really, I could not find any time. I failed miserably even at updating that travel journal my friends have given me as a present. 

Now I still have a couple of hundred photos to edit before I can get to any kind of tale-telling on this blog. Not that I have much more time these days... I just moved to Prague a few days ago and there are tons of errands I have to run everyday. But I suppose in a couple of weeks, when I've settled down in Prague, I will have more freetime. The uni schedule is like a joke, lol. I usually only have classes in the morning, meaning that from lunch on, I'm free as a bird. 

Well, this just serves as a quick update on how I'm doing, for those who care and those who are still waiting for travel posts. Hang in there, I heard that good things come to those who wait. :)

First Hospital Week

Oh my gosh, I wrote a chunk of text the other day for this blog post but for some stupid reason it was completely deleted. Oh well, another day, another dawn it is. 

So I was saying that I've been in Vietnam for a whole week by now. Before I left, I had absolutely no time to be any kind of excited because I was swamped with work: three exams in the last week and cleaning my flat to move out, packing my belongings into boxes so that my parents could transport it all to Leipzig. Even after landing in Noi Bai Airport, I was void of real excitement (but that could also be because I was seriously lacking sleep). 

But well, if I've realized something, then it is that you don't always need a grand opening to have a good time. I've certainly enjoyed my first week in Hanoi very much. :)

Aside from spending time with family, the first couple days of mine revolved around my internship at Viet Duc hospital, the biggest surgical hospital of Vietnam. I'm stationed in the department of Pediatric Surgery together with two med students form Luxembourg, who coincidentally also study medicine in Germany. We get along really well and I couldn't be happier to have met them. 

Two years ago, I have already absolved an internship in a Vietnamese hospital, so I'm not as easily shocked with all the differences from Germany as the first time. Still, I was quite uncomfortable when I was in the ambulance on the very first day, and the surgeon on duty examined patient after patient without wearing gloves or disinfect his hands once. He touched the penis of one child, moved on to press on the belly of another, and then fumbled with the scrotum of the next one. Without. Cleaning. His. Hands. Once. 

Well, yeah. One positive thing that I can confirm is that the competence level of the doctors here are comparable, if not even better than German doctors. The theoretical knowledge of the docs I've spoken to definitely tops that of several doctors I know in Germany, and the surgical skills of Vietnamese doctors are also impeccable in my eyes. It's just that I'm really not that much interested in surgery. The second hypospadia surgery to me was already really boring, even though I was the assisting surgeon. The only thing I found impressive so far is the retroperitoneal dissection of a neuroblastoma. That frigging tumor bled out 800ml blood of a poor 11-year-old girl... 

Other than that, I feel like I have only seen penises in Peds. It feels like Peds is 5% tumor stuff, 5% abdominal surgery, and 90% penis issues. Phemosis, hypospadia, buried penis - you name it. I've never seen so many penises in one day in my life, and I'm not in frigging Urology! 

Anyway, it's cool. lol

I want to move to Neurosurgery after two weeks. I'm pretty sure I can see the majority of surgeries at least once within those two weeks, and that is more than enough for a non-surgeon like me. 

Here's a picture of the view we've got from the surgery tract - the 10th floor of the new hospital building. (Hanoi is so gray these days, it has been raining everyday...)

And this is a picture of three super smart super cool doctors of tomorrow ;)

At least until this point, it should be noticed that I haven't mentioned food at all. Well, I have to save those adventures for another day, for another extra post. :)

I Hate my Ego

There's this thing I've noticed the last couple of months. I might be clinging too much on my ego. Whenever this stupid ego of mine is hurt, I tend to need a huge amount of time to process or cope with it.

I don't know, I mean, it's pretty normal for someone to want other people's respect and to not be so happy if that respect isn't given to them in an amount they're used to. But I wish I could just shut this 'hurt' off, because this kind of ego hurting can ignite negative feelings towards other people and I just freaking hate having negative feelings towards anybody, no matter if they deserve it or not. What's so fun about hating someone, be mad at someone, or be jealous of someone? If only I could steer my ego in a way that it would only boost my motivation to become even better, to shove it in other people's faces that I do frigging deserve more respect. 

I've tried talking about this, but it didn't help much. Last time, I had to sleep over the problem and weirdly enough all my pent up feelings were gone the next day. That of course was very reassuring to me; I mean, I guess my ego isn't controlling me that much after all. But really, I wish I could just shut it all off, because damn, who the hell needs an ego? The happiest people are the people who do not care about other opinions on themselves and just stay true to who they are. 

Is there a way to train that? I need it, badly. 

*ETA: I don't know if it's an ego thing, but I also realized I just really hate being average. It does not have anything to do with other people's opinion on me, it's rather that I plainly do not want to be averagely 'good'. I can't always be on top, but average is definitely not satisfying. 

Quick Birthday post

So, guess what.

Today is my birthday, and I'm feeling good. lol

The last couple of days (or weeks) were so tiring. I decided I need to give myself a nice treat on this supposedly special day. (In the end it's just an excuse but hey, if that's what birthdays are for, I'm all for it.)

Even though I have a pile of work to take up on, I started the day sleeping in, which felt really, really good. Good news arrived as a first thing in the morning, too, when I received an email from my ERASMUS coordinator, telling me that it is possible for me to come a few days later to Prague and therefore extend my travel time in Vietnam. I'm so excited, really. I can extend my plans a bit, not only travelling in Vietnam but also visit one of my besties in Singapore, maybe take a quick peek at Malaysia or Thailand or something, or just spend more time with my family in Vietnam. So. Excited.

At this very moment, I'm sitting in a cafe with (an empty) cup of coffee and drowning myself in writing. Is there anything in this world that can make me feel better than this? I don't think so. Later I will meet up with some friends for lunch and dinner; guess that'll do me some good, too.

I don't know, maybe I will come back later to this post and report what else happens on this day. Right now, I'm going to write some fiction, coz I feel so inspired, hehe.

Do what you love on your birthday. That really should be my motto from now on. (Though that would probably mean I will never throw any party, ever, anymore. :P)

I Think I'm Going to Implode

1. I'm feeling not so good these days. I can't really pinpoint the exact reason, though I have my suspicions, but yeah, bottom line is: I am stressed, like all the time.

2. I think everyone should have it written on their foreheads whether they're taken, they're single and not looking, or single and currently looking. It makes the world much easier.

3. Aligning with that, I'm wondering what could go wrong if people just be bold and direct and ask for each other's numbers when there's interest. It doesn't even have to mean love interest. You may find someone attractive, or just cool, just nice, and you just want to hang, so what's wrong with asking for their number? Argh, I hate society's preprogrammed perception of certain actions and I hate even more that I fcking care what society thinks!

4. One thought keeps popping up in my mind these days: rather be the jerk who dumps someone, than be the one who gets dumped. If thinking rationally, I'm convinced I'm such an ass for just having that thought.

5. I have no time for shit. I want to have me time, but then again, I don't want to be alone. Most of the time, I'm surrounded by people but I feel lonely as fck.

6. I love my family, but my family needs to stop throwing problems at me. At this very moment, I already have enough to struggle with.

7. I love medicine.

8. I love internistic medicine. I think I might just have dropped the desire to follow Neonatology. Sorry to say but my profs in Peds kinda ruined all the love I had for this specialization before...

9. I want to focus on work and shove away all the negative feelings again. But I can't fcking concentrate on work, because I keep scheduling myself to meet up with people. Usually I feel good, nowadays I just feel fcking lonely in the company of my best friends. What the fck, really?!

10. I need a break from life. Shit.

11. Problem-solving approach: Take off. Me-time for a whole day. Up until now, I think I was too afraid of feeling lonely and empty when alone. But maybe, quality me-time is exactly what I need.

12. Need to figure out what my actual problem is. Thereby, me-time. Go back to 11.

Thank heavens that I have this place to vent out all my incoherent thoughts. I'm about to implode, really. Is this what fcking burnout feels like, yeah? I just want to sleep for two days and shut out the whole world....

Bla bla bla

So... I haven't written anything for a really long time.

I'm not quite sure why because when I look back, it doesn't feel like I've been that tied up. For the past few months, I literally just stuck to the lab. I don't remember doing anything outside the lab. That's probably the reason why it gives me the impression I wasn't too busy. But well, I was probably really that busy, because damn, the amount of data I produced within the last three months makes more than a half of my entire data set. Now, there are a few experiments left, meaning three or four more weeks in the lab, and I can finally call it quits. Yay for that. :)

Today was the first day I got back to uni. Truth to be told, I was frigging excited for more than a week about it. And First Day indeed didn't disappoint. Even though I had to attend a lecture at eight o'clock, it was awesome, and guess what, I didn't fall asleep. Teehee.

I'm a bit worried that I might be too motivated to study and try out new stuff at the moment, caused by the caged feeling nine months in the lab gave me. I freaking signed up for a Japanese course this semester, lol! When in October, I'll go to Prague for exchange and should be taking up Czech classes instead... We'll see how it goes. I just remember two or three semesters ago, I was overmotivated at the beginning of the semester, too. Look how that turned out. I was squeezed dry by the latter half of the sem, haha. Oh well.

I'm thinking about people and relationships and life these days, again. Gosh, it's not even fall, why am I getting into a semi-depression phase like this? I blame it on my life which is currently throwing people problems and relationship problems at me. The only good thing about it is that it's the reason I'm sitting here to write right now. Sadly, I can't jot down the things that really bother me. Got no time for that...

Well, I guess I have to end it here. It was nice while it lasted, my dear blog. T_T

I hope I can come back to you soon.

P.S: Dear t.y, if you read this: I'm sorry I haven't been very attentive these days. But why did you lock your blog and didn't tell me? :'( Please let me in again! Miss you, and I want to read your posts!~

The 2014 Post

So another year has passed...

For some reason, to me it feels like 2014 has flown by way too fast. My overall impression is that it was a good year, though at the top of my head, I can't recall any specific event that would more or less be the 'mark' of 2014. Let's just examine everything and make a list, for tradition's sake.

Study:

• The first half of the year consist of  nothing too special, as I went to university as usual. The two exam phases passed by with so-so results. The subjects of my interest, like Pharmacology, were studied with a great deal of enthusiasm and the exams delivered matching results. Other subjects that I found less interesting, like Radiology or Surgery, of course weren't as well revised... I could've done better on the exams for sure, but it's nothing I'm reproaching myself for too much. One interesting thing I've realized is that the more clinical the subjects get, the more I'm certain that I wanna work in the internistic field later on. Pediatrics is super cool too, especially Neonatology. But anything surgery-related has yet to really pique my interest. :P
• One funny obsession I've obtained this year is going to conferences. It started with my extra Pediatrics classes, where we were continuously sent to gatherings of the kind. I love the very thoughts-inducing atmosphere there, the however small gain of knowledge through speeches and discussions of intelligent minds (coz we as students probably only understand half of what the docs and researchers say, but either way it's an awesome feeling), and most of all, I love the FOOD. The food is the best part. They always offer so much delicious food for free. ♥_♥ Anyway, the German Pediatricians' Conference in 2014 also gave me the chance to meet Dr. Hop, the Vietnamese doctor who organizes the volunteering operations in Danang via www.deviemed.de. I really wanna join his team when the opportunity arises. :) 
• The second half of the year was wholly dedicated to my dissertation thesis in research. Well, no surprise there. Starting to work in the lab is definitely an experience worth every while. For one, it was a refreshing change of environment I much needed in that part of my life. Then, it has also helped me come to an important realization: I love reasearching, but I'm not researcher-material. The way of acquiring knowledge through the methods of researching is a suspenseful, exciting road that I want to stick my career to. But directly sitting in the lab and doing the actual work? Not my thing. It is way too time consuming for a person lacking the skill of accuracy (hence no Surgery for me either!) and patience like me. Also, the clinical work holds a part too huge of my passion for me to be satisfied with just sticking to the lab. So that's why I realized I should probably embrace clinical trials, lol. Working in a university hospital is a must in Germany if I wanna do research. And then when I reach some higher positions, I can lean back and do the thinking, while the actual work, I will be able to delegate to some employees. Wouldn't that be great? haha :P

Relationships

• Friends come and go. This is a realization that gets kinda repetitive every year. It's always so weird to think back one year, at any time point, because I always have the feeling the 'now' and the 'then' are worlds worlds worlds apart. 2014 brought a lot of changes. So who knows what 2015 will bring? Especially now that I have shifted to another semester? I will just let life surprise me. The ones who care will stay. The ones who don't... well, they won't probably matter as much. So, I'll take it easy. And I'm open to new relationships for sure. :)
• Family, the only constant in my life, stays where it is. The most up and downs in 2014 are probably all related to my puberty-ridden brother, but love conquers all, I believe they're saying. So in a few years' time, I'm certain we'll just look back and laugh at it all. Oh, and my grandparents visited us during the summer. That was definitely a great highlight. :)
• The matter of partnerships, as I call it to distinguish this kind of love from the other, not less important kinds, stalls in my life as ever. But it will be a story for another time...

Personal stuff, for the lack of a better word

• Basketball, I'm loving it. I've become better than last year I guess, but there's still a lot more I can do. ;)
• Travel, oh yeah. At the beginning of 2014, I tried to not make any travelling plans as 2013 was already so eventful, but now when looking back, I can't say that 2014 lacks adventure times. I visited a friend in Dresden, spent time in Strasbourg, went to Paris, drank wine in Rüdesheim, and had a glimpse at Berlin twice. So no, I really can't complain.

I think that's it. Gosh, I'm getting so tired of writing. I've been sitting in front of the PC for one and a half hour already. T_T Let me just finish with my 2015 resolutions and maybe come back later to add some other 2014 events.

My 2015 resolutions

• Read ten non-medical, not obligatory uni-related books. (I got an ebook reader for Christmas!)
• Cut down on sugar consumption. (Less popcorn, less Nutella...)
• Finish the Nails book for mom and dad (hopefully in time for next Christmas).
• Create a rough structure for my dissertation thesis so that I can start writing afterwards.
• One last resolution I have to keep to myself. It's a bit... personal. :P :)

So yeah, let's see how it all works out. What did I say last year? Something along the lines of... 

2015, bring it on? :)