My Luxembourgers With Their Perfect Timing

It's getting better these days.

My brother's situation is improving, my family is less stressed, and I find it easier to smile and be genuinely happy about things.

This weekend, I had my two Luxembourgish friends over for a visit. France and Philippe - I met them during my internship in Hanoi this summer, and we immediately hit it off. It was so easy with them. And because we got along so well, a reunion was planned for this year even before we had to part.

Time is Ticking

This world is really a weird place as of lately. I have a feeling as if nothing is working the way it's supposed to, and I have no idea how to fix it.

It starts with my family, of course, that is in tremendous trouble. Then on Friday 13th, the attacks on Paris happened, along with bombings in Baghdad and Beirut, the tragedy in Somalia, and the violence breaking out in South Korea. I know bombings and attacks happen all the time in politically instable countries, but for some reason, it all just started to reappear in the media on that very unlucky Friday.

I'm in no way a superstitious person, hence I don't account all that to Friday 13th, but it does awe me a little bit how fucked up the whole world just suddenly is in my eyes. As if there's no justifiable reason to laugh out loud these days, you know?

I have lost all the inclination to go to any type of party. Very unfitting for an ERASMUS semester, I truly feel like I should not waste any more time on getting drunk or dancing my ass off in a dark, smoky bar. I should be doing more meaningful things than that.

You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. And there's so many things I want to do before it's all too late.

My Family

To me, my family has not always been my favorite people in the world. As applied to a lot of teenagers, my life revolves around friends for quite a few years of my puberty. It was only until the end of puberty, when, partly due to repeated school transfers, my friendships all more or less faded that I realized the only consistence part of my life are my parents, my brother and my sister. And I quite liked that consistence.

When I say that this consistence compromises of unconditional love, protection, care, guidance, and just simply being-there, I mainly mean my parents, of course. For my siblings, it's rather the other way around. I try my best to give them the same things I receive during all my life. In return, they usually give me love and strength, often unconsciously, but since they are still kids, that's all I'm asking for. 

Now my family has always been there for me when I needed them, provided that I let them in, of course. No matter what bullshit I do or say, it was always forgiven because of one simple power: love. It may sound pretty cheesy and clichéd, but there really isn't a more appropriate description I can give. The responsible person in me tries to give back the same treatment to my family, but the heart, of course, does it just out of love (my feelings really like to reciprocate other's positive feelings to me quite easily).

Anyway, my point being: my life is great right now in Prague, but my family is in trouble, and I have to be there for them.

My parents are extremely busy and stressed with work, coupled with construction and renovation work in our house. My brother is a (probably depressed) computer addict and is about to quit school in favor of locking himself up in his room and playing games. My sister is having an exhausting time finding friends at her new school and has lost all the fun and motivation to learn. 

Yes, just how more fcked up can the situation be? 

I find it so hard to go out to have a drink with friends when at home, my brother runs out at 1 in the morning because my dad turned off the internet connection. I can't properly be in a party mood when at home, my sister cries because on that day in class, she was the only one left alone when they were asked to make groups of two. And how am I supposed to be happy when I know that my parents, one of the people I love the most, are stressed out and sad? 

By now I have succumbed to the fact that there's only a limited list of things I can do. To my brother, I cannot reach out. Not anymore. For my parents, I can support them by words, and sometimes just by my presence as I do try to visit home often, and on that chance, help them do the mundane things that need to be done, like cleaning the house. With my sister, I'm studying together now, explaining and helping her with anything she doesn't understand, and give her tips on how to get more friends. 

I have realized that in order to do all that, I have to have happy moments for my own sake. I have to get energy and strength from other sources, when the main source I have received in from up until now is in trouble and cannot provide it as before. If I'm always thinking about how forlorn the situation at home is right now, I myself will get depressed, too. That's why now I'm trying to go out with friends, I'm trying to be in a good mood at parties, I'm trying to keep enjoying Prague, this beautiful city. I have to be ready to take on whatever is waiting for me at home.

It's just sometimes, I find it very hard to switch. A surge of guilt always clouds my mind when I come home from happy Prague, and one night is always the least it takes for me to push back the depressive feelings of my family's problems. I just came back to Prague yesterday night, hence this chunk of text. It helps me switch more easily, I guess, or hope. 

However hard it might be, I'm positive we will make it. I just hope it's doesn't take too long...

To the Guy I Still Love the Most

You're the one going thourgh puberty, you're the one who's doing a huge deal of going through shit and growing up, but here I am feeling as if I'm going through not less shit than you, and I'm having not less of a growing-up experience than you.

Is it a guy's thing, really? Not speaking about feelings, not saying anything about what you think, what makes you happy, what makes you sad? I've always had trouble accepting silence of the people who are dear to me, because I just can't understand it. If something bothers you, why in the freaking world wouldn't you tell it to the people you trust the most? Why? I just don't get it. 

There was a time I was very, very convinced that there's something wrong with your head, or heart, or both. How can a person live and be so indifferent about everything and everyone? When you used to open up more to me, you told me that you don't feel the need of having a best friend, or a close friend, for that matter. It's enough to have some friends who share the same hobbies and habits, and to meet up with them from time to time. I told you that just to "meet up from time to time" won't give you the people you can count on later in life, because every relationship needs continuous nourishing, be it partnerships, friendships, or even family. (I still don't believe in that kind of friendship where you "never talk to each other for years" but then are BFFs all of a sudden when you meet again). You were unimpressed with my words back then. 

I could see that you didn't have the best of friends around you in school. You're more of a nerd, you like computer games, you have some real-life friends from soccer, but more random online friends from your games. I, more than anyone, should know to appreciate relationships forming and developing online, because I've been through it, I told you. Most of my friends in Vietnam wouldn't be my bestest friends now, hadn't there been this thing called the Internet. But online relationships should never be worth of sacrificing real life relationships, this I've also told you. When you get mobbed online, it's easier to turn off the computer than when you get mobbed in real life. When you get hurt in real life, online people can only send you the best of wishes, but it's the real-life people that can actually help you. It's important to balance the two, but never in favor of online relationships...

I know you're probably a bit eccentric, as you tend to have really deep thoughts sometimes, mostly about random philosophy stuff, but the most simple things in life, you don't want to give a thought about it. Your Philosophy/Ethics teacher is fascinated by your attritubtion to her classes, while at home, I'm just throwing my hands in defeat wondering why you wouldn't care one bit about how the things you do would affect the people who love you the most.

I only wish that you would think more about the people around you instead of thinking about some far-away people or far-fetched topics. Our mother showed me a sheet of paper she accidentally found in your room the other day. You scribbled some thoughts you never told any of us on that paper, and reading that was making me quite emotional. It was then that I realize you used to (or still, I don't know, I'm not sure) think about your relationships with friends at school, about school, about your goals, about girlfriends even (and here I thought you always liked computer games too much to care). It's like a completely different you; a person I would rather deem mentally healthy than that boy I see now at home. I don't know if now, you're still the same, as in you appear to be indifferent but when you're on your own, you still think about the necessary things. But one thing I know for sure is that even if you're not completely indifferent, you still don't give life around you enough thought. 

And the one thing I can hardly ever accept is the punishing silence you give your family members whenever you're in a bad mood. Before, when you used to have trouble just expressing yourself, it was something else. But now, you just don't want to talk. It makes me feel like I'm not worth talking to, my questions are not worth an answer, my disappointments not worth an explanation. It's the highest form of disrespect anybody, not just you, can give me, really. You're not the first person who acts like a jerk like that. Just know that to me, it pretty much translates into, "I'm not giving a fck about my relationship with you." And why, then, should I give a fck in return?

Unless I can't help it, of course. When the jerk is, I don't know, my brother, for example.

I'm a bit stuck here, really. I just want my brother back. The one I used to play soccer with, the one I can non-stop talk about martial arts movies or Detective Conan to, the one I bicker with about whether English or French is the better language, the one who listened with great interest whenever I explain anything science-related. The one I spent most of my childhood with, basically.

Now that one just doesn't listen or talk to me anymore...

Just tell me, what can I do to have my brother back, really?

Nine Things

I have been charmed by Prague for three weeks by now, and I think I can already safely say that doing this exchange semester is the best decision I could make for my entire studies. The exchange itself is great, and Prague in particular isn't any less of a reason that makes this half a year being out of Germany so wonderful.

So here is a list of nine things concerning my exchange semester that I'm loving most so far.