To the Guy I Still Love the Most

You're the one going thourgh puberty, you're the one who's doing a huge deal of going through shit and growing up, but here I am feeling as if I'm going through not less shit than you, and I'm having not less of a growing-up experience than you.

Is it a guy's thing, really? Not speaking about feelings, not saying anything about what you think, what makes you happy, what makes you sad? I've always had trouble accepting silence of the people who are dear to me, because I just can't understand it. If something bothers you, why in the freaking world wouldn't you tell it to the people you trust the most? Why? I just don't get it. 

There was a time I was very, very convinced that there's something wrong with your head, or heart, or both. How can a person live and be so indifferent about everything and everyone? When you used to open up more to me, you told me that you don't feel the need of having a best friend, or a close friend, for that matter. It's enough to have some friends who share the same hobbies and habits, and to meet up with them from time to time. I told you that just to "meet up from time to time" won't give you the people you can count on later in life, because every relationship needs continuous nourishing, be it partnerships, friendships, or even family. (I still don't believe in that kind of friendship where you "never talk to each other for years" but then are BFFs all of a sudden when you meet again). You were unimpressed with my words back then. 

I could see that you didn't have the best of friends around you in school. You're more of a nerd, you like computer games, you have some real-life friends from soccer, but more random online friends from your games. I, more than anyone, should know to appreciate relationships forming and developing online, because I've been through it, I told you. Most of my friends in Vietnam wouldn't be my bestest friends now, hadn't there been this thing called the Internet. But online relationships should never be worth of sacrificing real life relationships, this I've also told you. When you get mobbed online, it's easier to turn off the computer than when you get mobbed in real life. When you get hurt in real life, online people can only send you the best of wishes, but it's the real-life people that can actually help you. It's important to balance the two, but never in favor of online relationships...

I know you're probably a bit eccentric, as you tend to have really deep thoughts sometimes, mostly about random philosophy stuff, but the most simple things in life, you don't want to give a thought about it. Your Philosophy/Ethics teacher is fascinated by your attritubtion to her classes, while at home, I'm just throwing my hands in defeat wondering why you wouldn't care one bit about how the things you do would affect the people who love you the most.

I only wish that you would think more about the people around you instead of thinking about some far-away people or far-fetched topics. Our mother showed me a sheet of paper she accidentally found in your room the other day. You scribbled some thoughts you never told any of us on that paper, and reading that was making me quite emotional. It was then that I realize you used to (or still, I don't know, I'm not sure) think about your relationships with friends at school, about school, about your goals, about girlfriends even (and here I thought you always liked computer games too much to care). It's like a completely different you; a person I would rather deem mentally healthy than that boy I see now at home. I don't know if now, you're still the same, as in you appear to be indifferent but when you're on your own, you still think about the necessary things. But one thing I know for sure is that even if you're not completely indifferent, you still don't give life around you enough thought. 

And the one thing I can hardly ever accept is the punishing silence you give your family members whenever you're in a bad mood. Before, when you used to have trouble just expressing yourself, it was something else. But now, you just don't want to talk. It makes me feel like I'm not worth talking to, my questions are not worth an answer, my disappointments not worth an explanation. It's the highest form of disrespect anybody, not just you, can give me, really. You're not the first person who acts like a jerk like that. Just know that to me, it pretty much translates into, "I'm not giving a fck about my relationship with you." And why, then, should I give a fck in return?

Unless I can't help it, of course. When the jerk is, I don't know, my brother, for example.

I'm a bit stuck here, really. I just want my brother back. The one I used to play soccer with, the one I can non-stop talk about martial arts movies or Detective Conan to, the one I bicker with about whether English or French is the better language, the one who listened with great interest whenever I explain anything science-related. The one I spent most of my childhood with, basically.

Now that one just doesn't listen or talk to me anymore...

Just tell me, what can I do to have my brother back, really?

Nine Things

I have been charmed by Prague for three weeks by now, and I think I can already safely say that doing this exchange semester is the best decision I could make for my entire studies. The exchange itself is great, and Prague in particular isn't any less of a reason that makes this half a year being out of Germany so wonderful.

So here is a list of nine things concerning my exchange semester that I'm loving most so far.

I'm still alive

It has been a really long time, hasn't it? I really wanted to update this blog regularly during my travel but really, I could not find any time. I failed miserably even at updating that travel journal my friends have given me as a present. 

Now I still have a couple of hundred photos to edit before I can get to any kind of tale-telling on this blog. Not that I have much more time these days... I just moved to Prague a few days ago and there are tons of errands I have to run everyday. But I suppose in a couple of weeks, when I've settled down in Prague, I will have more freetime. The uni schedule is like a joke, lol. I usually only have classes in the morning, meaning that from lunch on, I'm free as a bird. 

Well, this just serves as a quick update on how I'm doing, for those who care and those who are still waiting for travel posts. Hang in there, I heard that good things come to those who wait. :)

First Hospital Week

Oh my gosh, I wrote a chunk of text the other day for this blog post but for some stupid reason it was completely deleted. Oh well, another day, another dawn it is. 

So I was saying that I've been in Vietnam for a whole week by now. Before I left, I had absolutely no time to be any kind of excited because I was swamped with work: three exams in the last week and cleaning my flat to move out, packing my belongings into boxes so that my parents could transport it all to Leipzig. Even after landing in Noi Bai Airport, I was void of real excitement (but that could also be because I was seriously lacking sleep). 

But well, if I've realized something, then it is that you don't always need a grand opening to have a good time. I've certainly enjoyed my first week in Hanoi very much. :)

Aside from spending time with family, the first couple days of mine revolved around my internship at Viet Duc hospital, the biggest surgical hospital of Vietnam. I'm stationed in the department of Pediatric Surgery together with two med students form Luxembourg, who coincidentally also study medicine in Germany. We get along really well and I couldn't be happier to have met them. 

Two years ago, I have already absolved an internship in a Vietnamese hospital, so I'm not as easily shocked with all the differences from Germany as the first time. Still, I was quite uncomfortable when I was in the ambulance on the very first day, and the surgeon on duty examined patient after patient without wearing gloves or disinfect his hands once. He touched the penis of one child, moved on to press on the belly of another, and then fumbled with the scrotum of the next one. Without. Cleaning. His. Hands. Once. 

Well, yeah. One positive thing that I can confirm is that the competence level of the doctors here are comparable, if not even better than German doctors. The theoretical knowledge of the docs I've spoken to definitely tops that of several doctors I know in Germany, and the surgical skills of Vietnamese doctors are also impeccable in my eyes. It's just that I'm really not that much interested in surgery. The second hypospadia surgery to me was already really boring, even though I was the assisting surgeon. The only thing I found impressive so far is the retroperitoneal dissection of a neuroblastoma. That frigging tumor bled out 800ml blood of a poor 11-year-old girl... 

Other than that, I feel like I have only seen penises in Peds. It feels like Peds is 5% tumor stuff, 5% abdominal surgery, and 90% penis issues. Phemosis, hypospadia, buried penis - you name it. I've never seen so many penises in one day in my life, and I'm not in frigging Urology! 

Anyway, it's cool. lol

I want to move to Neurosurgery after two weeks. I'm pretty sure I can see the majority of surgeries at least once within those two weeks, and that is more than enough for a non-surgeon like me. 

Here's a picture of the view we've got from the surgery tract - the 10th floor of the new hospital building. (Hanoi is so gray these days, it has been raining everyday...)

And this is a picture of three super smart super cool doctors of tomorrow ;)

At least until this point, it should be noticed that I haven't mentioned food at all. Well, I have to save those adventures for another day, for another extra post. :)

I Hate my Ego

There's this thing I've noticed the last couple of months. I might be clinging too much on my ego. Whenever this stupid ego of mine is hurt, I tend to need a huge amount of time to process or cope with it.

I don't know, I mean, it's pretty normal for someone to want other people's respect and to not be so happy if that respect isn't given to them in an amount they're used to. But I wish I could just shut this 'hurt' off, because this kind of ego hurting can ignite negative feelings towards other people and I just freaking hate having negative feelings towards anybody, no matter if they deserve it or not. What's so fun about hating someone, be mad at someone, or be jealous of someone? If only I could steer my ego in a way that it would only boost my motivation to become even better, to shove it in other people's faces that I do frigging deserve more respect. 

I've tried talking about this, but it didn't help much. Last time, I had to sleep over the problem and weirdly enough all my pent up feelings were gone the next day. That of course was very reassuring to me; I mean, I guess my ego isn't controlling me that much after all. But really, I wish I could just shut it all off, because damn, who the hell needs an ego? The happiest people are the people who do not care about other opinions on themselves and just stay true to who they are. 

Is there a way to train that? I need it, badly. 

*ETA: I don't know if it's an ego thing, but I also realized I just really hate being average. It does not have anything to do with other people's opinion on me, it's rather that I plainly do not want to be averagely 'good'. I can't always be on top, but average is definitely not satisfying.