Australia Cheered Me Up

I've been in Melbourne for a week now. I feel quite good.

I don't know, it's always easier to break free from the world that is hard on you, and just get a fresh start somewhere else. Maybe that is also part of the reason why I can never stay at one place for too long? Saying goodbye is really hard, everytime, but thinking about it, I probably prefer quitting while I'm ahead over staying long enough for drama to catch up with me. Sounds like I'm the type who likes to take a run when it gets hard, no?

I'm not, actually. But I won't deny running away is always easier. (And the convenient thing about not having another choice is that guilt just doesn't drown you as much).

I've reunited with family members that I haven't seen in years. Leave one family to get to another. Yeah, that's not so bad if done once in a while. I'm happy where I am right now.

Also, Melbourne reminds me of someone. A pretty cool person from a long, long time ago. You know that feeling when you're trying to meet up with someone you used to have a crush on, and while you probably aren't crushing on them that much anymore, you still get that nervous and tingling feeling in your stomach? I don't even know if we can meet, but my mind has already conjured up endless of possible scenarios already. Everytime I think about it, I grin like an idiot. Silly me...

Well. Let's just see how this Aussie land treats me, yeah?

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ETA: I can't believe what just happened.

I watched a weird youtube video with my 4-year-old cousin and almost blurted out, "What the f--", but stopped myself just in time. I was like, phew, nice save there, Phiphi.

Ten minutes into playing another game, she burped out of nowhere. I laughed at her, but she turned and said into my face, "Fuck you!" And ran away crying with laughter.

W.T.F.

I was paralysed right then and there. Just like that one time in Singapore, when Quynh threw such a filthy word at me I was in shock for the rest of the day.

Sigh. Kids nowadays...

Someone Give me a Surge of Strength, Please

I never thought that one day, we would be in this situation. I never thought that it could ever happen to me. I really wish I could turn back time to re-do things I wish I had done differently, but then I also think that it's not only my actions that has led to this outcome. It breaks my heart over and over again, every time I think about it.

Some people think one needs to let go, when one loves someone and they don't love back. Others think it is a gift, the act of loving in itself. I don't know what I think. I don't think it is ever going to be easy for me to stop loving once I truly love someone, even though at times, love can be buried by other consuming emotions. But I have to let go eventually, don't I? Because I also don't think that I can live with being constantly hurt...

"Love is not a reason to tolerate disrespect." I just read that quote recently. It's true, isn't it?

[But don't you understand that I find giving up on you just as hard and as hurtful as keeping loving you? Why do you have to put me through this? Whatever I try, it always results in me being heartbroken. I wish you could be different, but oh what do they usually say? Do not try to change others, try to adjust your attitude. But I'm really at my wit's end here...]

Nothing is going well for me in the past two months. Nothing. I hate that last year was so hard towards the end of the year, and this year it is just the same. I won't break down, but it is about goddamn time that something good happens to me again.

That Random Post in Autumn

Well, hello there. It's been quite some time, hasn't it?

We're waist-deep in the season of falling leaves and windy weather now, yet I'm missing the usual calm and peace I'm used to feeling every year. Life is tossing me around a little bit these days (again), not as gently as I would like it to, but no tossing at all would be boring, too, right? I'm trying to make the best out of it, because what else can I do?

Suddenly I want to lit a perfumed candle, cook me some warm tea, and just sit here writing while the rain is drumming on my window from the outside. I guess this is the calm and peace I wanted. (Hang on a sec, let me do just that. I'll be right back.)

(I'm back already. There you go, much better now.)

Things are slowly changing, some for the better, some not. Especially the better changes have been long overdue, definitely. I want to push for some more changes, because I'm not very satisfied with all the circumstances I'm in right now. Of course, I am reminded to keep my expectations in check, as I know my resources and options are limited.

When I look around me, comparisons slap me awake again and again. Emphasize my dissatisfaction. Bring me down a little, but push my motivation up again. I wish I could channel all my negative feelings into motivation to do better. Imagine the productivity.

Just this second, I asked myself what the hell my resolutions for this year are. Oops, lost sight of them. This is not gonna end as a successful year, I can already predict that. No year is probably gonna be as good as 2013. It's always difficult when you set the bar high so early...

I find it funny when someone tells me they like me because I'm so simple. I honestly don't know what to say in those moments. "What? Are you crazy? I'm the best-fitting antonym of 'simple' you can get". Or, "Oh yeah, if by 'simple', you mean an ambiverted, hard-to-predict, multi-faceted overthinker, then you're correct." Believe me, I really try to work on the overthinking. But I don't want to be superficial, and I find it incredibly hard to see the line between the two. The golden mean, blah blah, it's just a myth. Hmph.

Well, hasn't this post been informative. A list of incoherent thoughts put together in a chunk of text. I don't even know if I myself will understand everything I wrote above when I come back to read this in the future. But one thing is for sure: I love reading every post from the past. And this one will not be an exception. That's the very first reason why I keep a blog, or post pictures and short statuses on various platforms anyway. Can't nobody take that away from me.

But yeah, enough of the rambling already. At least for today.

Life Update

It's been a while since my last blogpost... I think an update is quite due, isn't it?

So, what's going on in my life? 

I'm still sitting in Gießen, waiting for my visa for Australia. If everything works out the way we hope for, I'll fly to the land Down Under in November and spend three months in the rheumatology clinic there. After a bit of traveling annexed to the three working months, I'll visit my family and friends in Vietnam for about 2-3 weeks. The adventure abroad then ends with an internship in a hospital in Tokio, Japan, with hopefully a couple of traveling days appended to it, too. 

No, I don't hate Gießen, I swear. :P I just like seeing more of the world. That's all. Actually I'm a bit sad, knowing that when I return to G-Town in April next year, I will only have about half a year more in the city I've been calling home for 5 years. Oh and have those 5 years been special! It has shaped my character significantly and brought me so many relationships to treasure for life. But a more detailed reflection of my Gießen time will probably come at a later stage, in another post. I just want to emphasize that I do, really do, love Gießen. 

Right now, I'm spending my time in the library mostly, trying to work on my doctoral thesis. After that little crisis last year, I'm approaching this matter in a much more positive way. Thankfully. I've visited quite a few conferences where I looked at research work done by other labs, and to be honest, I am quite proud and thankful to be able to work in my lab. The quality of the stuff we do really is not bad. And the things I've learned, even though I didn't do a lot of different lab methods, is very valuable. Especially the habit of critical thinking in research will be a valuable asset for my career in the future. (I dearly hope this positivity trip will last until I finish my thesis.)

Anyway, I'm starting with writing my thesis now, so a bit of writing exercise really isn't bad. I've noticed my English writing is becoming super rusty, while my German writing is actually getting much better. Not my favorite outcome, but well... 

So yep, not much going on in my life right now. But it's nothing less than the calm before the storm, of course. :P

Love

Damn it, there are too many drafts on this blog that I never managed to finish and post. It feels like this blog now harbors a dozen snippets of thought, all randomly typed in and saved when I have time, just to be forgotten until the next time I feel like writing. 

So the reason I'm writing this time is because I'm thinking hard on this one thing: love. 

Yep, you got it. 

Through several things happening during the last couple of weeks, the realization just came again to me that with love, one person can overcome a remarkable amount of hardships. And the powerful love I'm talking about is the love that one person feels for everyone and everything around them, not just for family and friends (and maybe pets), but even more so for strangers. 

When someone on the street says or does something mean to me for unjustifiable reasons, I used to wish I could be sarcastic enough to come up with snarky remarks to get back at them. What I usually end up doing is to just keep silence and ignore them. Just sometimes when it's too much, especially when there are other people I care about involved, I would raise my voice and fight back. But now I'm thinking, really, neither of the two options is the best way to solve problems of the kind. Silence is too passive, and fighting back will only result in a lot of negative energy on both sides. Why shouldn't I smile, take it with humor and, here it comes: love? 

If everyone can do that, then there would be no shooting in Dallas as a response to police violence in the US. If everyone can do that, there would be no regular escalation in the Gaza Strip between Israeli and Palestinians. Heck, there probably would be no war anymore. 

But it's not just strangers we shall show more love. The closest people to us are just equally important. I have always been the kind of person who loves people quite easily, although when I was younger, I used to be a bit more withdrawn. But I grew up in a loving family, which taught me to love it with all my heart, and that habit transferred to my relationships with friends, too. Now that I've grown up more, I'm not just waiting for people to be my friend to love them, I'm trying a different approach. I love them, so that they can become good friends of mine. And it's working out great. :D

The biggest thing I have realized for myself today actually rose from an argument with my parents. I don't want to dive into details as there is no need for that. The conclusion I'm able to draw from my reflections is what matters: the best way to solve a conflict is with love. I have mentioned it for strangers above, but it is even more meaningful in the context with people I love, at least to me, at the moment. 

I have seen what damage anger can do, as an observer, as a victim, but also as the jerk who could not control herself. Even though I have mastered self-control much better than before, the righteous part of me who hates seeing injustice, especially when laid upon myself, still can't hold back sometimes. But today, I have seen again how a seemingly unsolvable argument was solved so peacefully when love is put before any other negative emotion. 

I'm not saying that we should embrace and love the wrongdoings of others (don't think I can really do that), but what I'm definitely saying is that hate and anger are the wrong responses. More love, less hate - that's the only way leading to a good solution, even though the answer to the problems is not always clear with just love in the beginning. Thinking about it, this really shouldn't be an epiphany on my part. Buddha has said it, Jesus Christ has mentioned it, Ghandi has stated, "An eye for an eye, and the world goes blind", and even Dale Carnegie has taught it to everyone in his book How to Win Friends And Influence People.

I know it's always easier said than done, this philosophical deep shit. But I have to try, and I want to try it. To let love show more of itself, especially in conflict situations. :)

(A three hour train ride from Leipzig to Gießen where I had nothing else to do is responsible for this chunk of text.)