What Does It Mean to be a Good Mom

It's been almost two months of being a stay-at-home mom for me. On one side, it is greatly rewarding to see our little Benni grow each day, but on the other side, I really do struggle with the "stay-at-home" part. Taking care of a baby all day does wear me out, mostly mentally.  My mood is going back and forth between enjoying the lack of need to be productive on the one hand, and being frustrated because I cannot be as productive as I want to on the other hand. I keep thinking that I am not cut out to be a "good" mom in its traditional meaning. I cannot be at home taking care of children and housework all day and feel accomplished afterwards. Even though I was aware of this even before Benni was born, I did not expect me to get close to my limits this soon. 

Don't get me wrong - I love spending time with my son. I love seeing his tiny hands slapping his own face in an absolutely uncoordinated fashion, I love the baby sounds he makes when he looks about the room, I love the giggles he randomly produces during his sleep while looking so peaceful. He is the cutest human being on earth. And I am aware that this state of cuteness won't last a lifetime, so I really do appreciate every moment that I have with him right now. But all this doesn't change the fact that just watching him all day is not enough for me to feel fulfilled. 

I wouldn't say that I consider myself a bad mom. I think my definition of what a good mom should be is just different from most people's. I still want to be heavily involved in my son's life and his growing up. But I need some balance between raising a child and following other dreams. And I need this balance not after a year of staying at home - I need it much sooner. One reason why I am confident that I'm not a bad mom is my willingness to go through the stay-at-home phase for as long as there is no good alternative for Benni. Fortunately, the time where there is absolutely no alternative for a mom during the entirety of 24 hours a day is very limited. I would say that's probably the case for the first few days (when the mom needs to be really close to the baby for her own sake too) and whenever the baby is sick. At other times, it shouldn't be a problem to have somebody else taking care of the baby - be it just an hour for the mom to do something not baby related. Of course, for this to work, there needs to be a good dad and probably other family members around. A bit later, a good babysitter will be crucial. 

I don't know - is this thinking too naïve? I still think my child won't have mental issues just because somebody else takes care of him for a couple of hours a day while he is two months old. I will still be his person of reference - that is important to me too. I have to regularly assess whether or not our bond is still strong enough, and if there is any sign of trouble, everything else will have to make place for bonding time. That is how I want to approach this. Because just "enduring" staying at home and feeling frustrated regularly isn't a good option. Only a happy mom will be a good mom. 

At some point of time in the future, I'll go back to this blog post and either be really proud or really reproachful of myself... 

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A short report of some facts around Benni's birth - for the memories: 

1. Benni waited patiently for me to finish two exams and one presentation before starting labor. This child, really. Six hours after my last study session, within the first few minutes after I went to bed, the first contraction kicked in. It was around 10:30 on 05th March 2022. 

2. Dilating pains were really uncomfortable, but with the breathing techniques I learnt, it was manageable. We waited at home until the contractions set in every five minutes for two hours, and drove to the clinic. At that time, my cervix was already at 9cm. 

3. Expulsive pains were intense, but not as uncomfortable as dilating pains, mainly because I could actively do something (press!) and not just passively lying around waiting for the pain to pass. But even under expulsive pains, my water wouldn't break, so the midwife had to perform an amniocentesis. And then because contractions were not frequently enough, I had to get an oxytocin drip, too.

4. After what felt like three days (but was about three hours) with me seeing no progress whatsoever, I finally felt Benni's head between my legs. It wasn't until then that I actually believed the midwife and Tobi that Benni was indeed coming out slowly. The midwife said Benni will be delivered at any moment and called a doctor before my next contraction. Then I was supposed to suppress pressing midway during the upcoming contraction, for perineum protection. But Benni had other plans. With the very first pressure of the next contraction, his whole body came shooting out like a rocket, including the rest of the amniotic fluid - and everything landed on my poor midwife. Guess we had exhausted Benni's patience by then. 

5. We spent hours in the delivery room as a family afterwards. That was real luxury I think. And I'm very thankful that Tobi could accompany me and actively participate during the whole labor process. I didn't swear at him at any point but did "abuse" his hands with squeezes. I think that was an intense experience for him too. 

Well, after all the complaints I went through - from pregnancy to delivery to puerperium, really can't say that I enjoy any of it - I still am really happy to have a little human to raise, and I'm not even reluctant to do it all over again. That alone should give me some confidence that I am not born a bad mother... 

Pregnancy Thoughts (probably hormone-driven)

I realized just how hard it is to find time to write blog posts when you're a working adult with a family. Only now that I'm staying home due to the pregnancy is when I have time for writing again. And even then, my thoughts revolve around our baby most of the time (if I'm not concentrating on some work stuff). I think I just want to put some of my thoughts and feelings surrounding pregnancy and baby on paper, for the memories, you know. 

The decision to get a baby did not come out of the blue on a drunken night but was actually calculated very carefully by us. It might seem quite early in our relationship, but both Tobi and I were sure we're in for the long term, so once we started planning for my fellowship abroad in 4-5 years, it seemed apt to get that baby planning started, too. What can I say - we were rather lucky because the baby-making process succeeded on the first go. 😛So we became pregnant while still being invested in both of our workplaces, which certainly had an influence on how we handled the whole pregnancy. Under no circumstances did I want to become a full-time pregnant woman too soon, of this I was sure from the beginning on. As long as it was physically and legally possible, I wanted to continue working. And that's exactly what I did for the first seven months of pregnancy. Luckily, I wasn't pestered with nausea or fatigue. Even though flatulence and bloating were really uncomfortable, it wasn't bad enough for me to want to stay home. It wasn't until my back pain became more severe and walking was an every day torture that I finally listened to everybody else and decided to stay home 3 weeks earlier than the start of my maternity protection leave. 

And with staying home finally came the time I was able to really look forward to our baby. With my belly being huge and the growing discomforts impossible to ignore, the thoughts that we were about to have a little human being living with us very soon became more and more present. And no matter how often I hear the somber warnings of sleepless nights and extreme fatigue that might come with a crybaby, I can't help but to just feel genuine happiness and positive excitement. I guess it's the hormones. 

Now I'm in my 35th week, I'm starting to get swollen feet and symphysis pain, but what keeps me going is the prospect of holding our little man in my arms, having him become acquainted with Lucy, going on vacation with him, and really, seeing him being loved by his daddy, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, which will make me love them even more. All in all, this baby is just going to be a bundle of love, and that's something I am willing to trade all physical discomforts for, no doubt about it. 

I actually want to write a little bit more, but time is running out. Hopefully, I can come back in a couple of months to write about how our little man will have actually changed our lives. Now I just can't wait. :)