Building Walls is Never the Solution

What's up, world?

I just had my last test in med school, excluding the two State Exams coming up this October and November/December next year. It quite is a big deal for German med students; an occasion they celebrate with an excessive night-out drinking. I am surely not your regular med student, at least not anymore. Who else started the last test of their med student life oversleeping for an hour?

I just couldn't sleep last night, and I don't know why. I definitely wasn't too nervous about the test because I knew passing it was a piece of cake. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep a wink until three or four in the morning or so. I was supposed to wake up at seven, but did at 8:30. The test was planned for 7:30 - 9:00 am. So there you go. Within 5 minutes from waking up and realizing I was an hour late, I was at the test location and begged the supervisors to let me take the test, even though more than half of the students were done already. I must have looked so pitiful, because they allowed me to use the last 20 mins. Had I been anyone else, I might have hyperventilated and collapsed in my room and never made it to the test. My hands were shaking so bad when I put my pants on, but I managed to calm myself down and focus on the limited time that was left. I'm pretty proud of myself for how I handled that situation to be honest. Emotions are a shitty thing in situations of the like, and only a cool head is what is needed then. Of course, a lot of luck (both good and bad) were involved that were out of my circle of influence...

Anyway, tonight Gießen will experience another batch of drunk med students celebrating what they call "Scheinfrei", meaning the completion of all their compulsory courses/tests/exams, and thus their permission to take the State Exam, the last hurdle before coming a doc basically. I am not among them. All my friends have gone through that one and two semesters ago, and no one I'm close with actually has time to be my drinking buddy tonight. I will go to Köln and have a night out with Godi, my Lithuanian twin whom I probably won't see again anytime soon. Setting priorities, so to say.

It did take time for me to contemplate about what was the best thing to do tonight. It made me realize why I hate this day, and pretty much every other celebration-worthy day (like my birthday) so much. Maybe I've suppressed it too well before, but now the reason is just so crystal clear in front of my eyes: I hate those days because I am afraid to feel that no one cares. The bigger a deal the occasion is supposed to be, the more I am afraid. Feeling like no one cares hurts so fucking much.

If there's one feeling I shall be accustomed to, then it is the feeling that no one cares. Why? Because I have always been on the move since I was a child. The moment I built relationships that made me feel secure, I moved away. The people who cared couldn't care enough to defeat the distance. The people who were there just don't care enough. (Before I blame it all on my surroundings, I am aware that my commitment issues surely don't help.) Reactively, I built walls as high as the Burj Khalifa to protect myself. The six years in Gießen was the first time I settled down at a place for such a long time, and at some point, I was comfortable, I let my walls down, I actually changed. I didn't even hate birthdays as much anymore. Well, until this year. Until I extended my studies for two semesters and fell behind all my friends. Now there's a distance impossible to defy again for those who care a little, and those who are right there just don't care enough.

That's the reason I don't feel very well lately, I guess. I could be reactive again and build walls around myself, which I am on the brink of doing to be honest, but then again, I have read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and being reactive just isn't how I want to live my life anymore.  I have to do something, I have to change how I handle these things. I can't just sit there and wait for someone who cares enough to come along. I need to be proactive instead of reactive. What exactly that means I need to do, though, I still haven't figured out. Come to think of it, this was what kept me up last night. I was thinking about how I can change my life. Sigh.

Ah, you see, this thing with caring and all, it really is an issue. Because I know how much it sucks to feel the way I feel right now, I try to never make anyone experience it. That's why I invest into people, that's why it is so easy for me to love and care about others even though I just met them. If it comes to human connections, I always live in the moment. But I need to find a way to feel less hurt when I don't receive reciprocation. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends showed up after my last lecture, even though I went to theirs and even brought them champagne. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends ask about how my exams went because no one remembered, even though I don't forget theirs. I need to feel less hurt when I felt like shit and wished for certain close friends just to call and ask how I was, instead of always having to take the initiative. I just have to find a way to feel less hurt, without building walls. But I haven't figured it out. Yet.

I guess that's asking for a couple more nights of insomnia... :)

La La Land - A Trip to the Cinema

A popcorn and drinks holder - this is how Japanese people enjoy a movie in cinemas. The longer I stay in this land, the more I realize how the whole Japanese lifestyle revolves around convenience. This popcorn holder is just one of the many small things that were invented to make our lives easier. No more, "Can you just hold my drinks for a sec, I need to take off my jacket." This only happens here, this is Japan for you. :)

Today I walked around Osaka too much and my feet were killing me. So I decided to reward myself with a visit to the cinema, which was just a minute away from my hostel. (The vicinity bears the risk that a movie-lover like me might go there again tomorrow). I finally watched La La Land! And gosh, it was a beautiful movie. I've heard countless praises about it, but then almost as many disappointing reviews about how, "It was good, but it didn't live up to the expectations." I ended up going into the movie with not a lot of expectations, and that was a wise attitude. I enjoyed Emma and Ryan's performance thoroughly. Especially Emma's, as I truly think she is very deserving of her Oscar. As for Ryan, quite honestly, I couldn't take my eyes off of him during about any scene he wore that white shirt with a tie. Clean-dressed men are so easy on the eyes! His performance was good as usual, although for the first time ever, there was a brief moment where I thought his acting was a bit awkward. It was towards the end when Seb finished introducing the band that played in his club, the scene where his eyes caught Mia in the audience. It looked like it was shot fifty times and he's just not that surprised to see her anymore. lol

Anyway, I am quite positive that La La Land will be a classic movie with a lot of epic scenes that people will remember many years from now. Just like Grease. But watching a Hollywood movie in Japan also had me thinking, "This is so American!" Which of course, it is. But that also means that it might be forgotten sooner in Asia than in the Western countries. I am not so fond of stamping a label of "a gap in education" on someone because they haven't heard of a popular cultural reference. It shows a bit of ignorance from the accuser, really, because people might come from and/or are interested in other cultures than what you know. For example, when your parents and older siblings introduced you to the craze of Star Wars, my grandma bought me Vietnamese comic books called "Thần Đồng Đất Việt" about famous scholars in Vietnamese history. You know all the names of the Star Wars characters, I know a huge amount of the scholars' famous sayings. I never watched Star Wars, and you probably never heard of "câu đối" before. I will catch up on Star Wars though, when I have time. It's just not that high up my priorities list. :P

In the anticipation for the next big thing named Beauty And the Beast, one thing I have decided for sure is that I will show my kids all the classic Disney movies there are. I actually thought about starting a DVD collection of Disney movies, but a) It's really hard to do that when I haven't settled down and will move places a lot in the next 2 years, and b) Will we even be using DVDs when my kids are old enough to enjoy movies? I guess I should just buy some stock for myself and leave them at my parents' house, haha.

Ending it for now, because I am wayyyyy too sleepy!

Insomniac Thoughts on Thinking and Listening

Hello~

This is me writing again because I have insomnia. I am suffering from some serious muscle stiffness and it just wouldn't let me sleep. I have been tossing and turning for three hours by now, and still did not sleep a wink... As expected from my mind, when left with no active task to do, it occupies itself with countless thoughts. And that quite counterproductively adds to my insomnia tonight.

My brain's favorite exercise as of late is to analyse the contents of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. It is quite a gem to me. Among all the self-improvement books I've read in my life, this is the one book that convinces me more than any other. I have finished reading the book a couple of days ago, but I think at least another re-read and some more reflection/analysis are required for me to really be through with its content. I shall write another blog post dedicated to this book alone.

I know I haven't been active with writing lately. But a train of thoughts in bed just now brought me to the conclusion that it is quite crucial for me to start again. "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" had led to a major reflection process within myself, and among other things, I realized how bad I have become at listening. Luckily, I also suppose I have figured out the reason.

I have always been a heavy thinker with a constant need to express my thoughts, because I find expressing thoughts to be the best way to facilitate thinking progress. I have to lay out my thoughts; I have to see them, to hear them. Only then can I have something as close as possible to an overview of the complexity of my mind. This in turn enables me to think in an organized way, to add further thoughts or scratch some contradicting ones, and to develop new ideas. I used to spend a lot of time on laying my thoughts out in texts. Nowadays, this time is dramatically cut down on, and I end up laying my thoughts out when talking to people instead. Sadly, the need to share my thoughts comes at the price of my ability to listen. I used to be a much better listener when I frequently processed my thoughts through writing, and entered a conversation as an thoughts-already-processed listener.

It is somewhat ironic that part of my motivation to become a better listener is drawn from my dissatisfaction of other people's listening habits. Most people are too consumed with their own thoughts, own problems, own interests, own world to truly want to listen to and understand other people (hey, not entirely excluding myself here). The only time most of us really listen is when someone speaks about something we also care about. I don't know how many times I tried to breach a topic I had been thinking about and the other person just didn't give a response, be it verbally or non-verbally, and just started another topic after a few moments of silence. My emotional connection with that person suffers a serious blow every time that happens, really. I do think I always show more interest when I am in the shoes of the listener, but that can also just be attributed to my sheer thirst to have more stuff to think about, or if I want to put it in a nicer way, my openness to learn about new viewpoints and ideas.

With all that being said, I am aware of the peculiarity of my thinking habit. Or rather, the breadth in which I do it. It's hard to find another person who is willing to keep up with my thoughts. Most of them just end up not listening anymore at some point. It's not that bad though, because some still listen, and those are either people who are similar to me, or people who are truly good at listening. Especially when one-sided listening turns into a conversation, I feel very satisfied - for the lack of a better word - afterwards. It's just that those cases are so rare.

Sometimes, I tell people that I tend to overthink. I guess I should stop doing that from now on, because it's not true. I don't overthink, I just like thinking a lot. The former creates problems, the latter is what makes life meaningful, in my opinion. I won't change that I think a lot, and while doing that, I will also try to add one more person - myself - to the group of rare good listeners.

For now though, I need to get some sleep first. :P

Doctors Are The Worst Patients (?!)

We're on the eve of Lunar New Year and I feel like I just rose from the dead. 💀😅

No, seriously. A stupid virus took me down a couple of days ago, somewhat out of the blue, and my defence was clearly not prepared. Let me take you through the disease history.

On Tuesday afternoon, I joined my Prof in the Lupus Clinic and had a pretty good time. Towards the end, however, I was feeling a bit chilly around the throat, the typical feeling I get when a cold was approaching. I was like, "Aww, no, not again!" But I pulled a jacket over myself and went home to get a hot cup of tea, a homeopathic measure that usually helps in cases of the like.

Except this time, it didn't help much.

By 10 pm that night, I felt pretty worn out and the throat thing was getting worse. So I sent my parents a good night message early and went to bed, already thinking that I probably won't make it to work the next day. Within that same night, a headache worse than any headache I'd ever had in my life became my prime issue. Please note that I don't usually get headaches, and when I do, I can endure them pretty well. I'm quite a tough girl when it comes to pain in my head, and I pretty much never take any medication against them. But the headaches this time nearly killed me, and I seriously considered taking some Ibuprofen. (It's just that I didn't have any when it was the worst, and by the time anyone could help me buy some pills, the headache was not strong enough for me to take painkillers anymore.)

Either way, I struggled through that first night while not even being able to lie down because the elevated pressure was just too much for my head. When I woke up (and assumed it was) the next day (not sure to be honest, because the headache was too crazy), I was beginning to worry if I had not contracted a meningitis. I mean, severe headache with (possible) fever (again, not sure coz I didn't have a thermometer and the thermosensors in my hands were not quite accurate because I felt cold one minute and hot the next), coupled with mild flu-like symptoms but no significant sore throat and/or a running nose? What else could it be?

So I tried one of the meningism exams where I try to put my chin on my chest and see if it hurts. No pain. I tried to recall any incident where I could possibly catch some meningitis-causing bacteria. Well, I did go to the hospital every day. But rheuma patients aren't exactly the cohort of bacteria spreaders. Then again, I did have contact with some other virus-ridden ill people the days before... So my bet was on a viral meningitis, if it was a meningitis at all.

Epidemiologically seen, most viral meningitis are caused by viruses that can't be eliminated by any medication. The only thing to do in those cases is to support your body in finishing the virus off, by resting and resting and maybe having some vitamins, and maybe, just maybe, having some painkillers if the pain is too much. I was doing exactly that. Of course, I couldn't be 100 % sure that it wasn't something bacterial, or a virus one could do something about (in the case of Herpes simplex), so I had to keep observing the disease progression. For the next 24 hours or so, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, my phone never far away in case I needed to dial "000". I could never keep being awake for too long as the headache would just take over, always only enough time to drink something, to go to the toilet, or at the later stages cut me some watermelon for vitamin C.

Every moment I could think, I remember chanting in my head, "Go T-cells, go. Do your job!" Which is extremely nerdy, lol. I was determined if I didn't improve on Thursday, I would go to a hospital. But luckily, I did. The headaches, while still being pretty bad, were getting slightly better, and I could actually walk around for half an hour before the pain took over again. That was around the time when I finally had the strength to make some food and brief my parents about what was going on. Unsurprisingly, mom immediately scolded me about not taking any meds. Well, I needed to observe the disease progression, didn't I, and how can I do that if I mask the very informative headaches with some painkillers? Anyway, mom informed my aunties, and I received some more calls and some more scolding. 🙊

Now it's Friday, the New Year's Eve of the Lunar New Year, and I am actually so well that I can write this lengthy story. So there you go. I still don't feel like stressing my body to go out yet, so I'm just sitting home while there's probably some big party going on in the city. But my condition is improving every hour, and I'm pretty sure tomorrow I can do some research work again.

I remember the last time I was really sick (bad sinusitis), I was whining to mom and asked her to come visit and cook for me. This time I was too sick to even whine to her. Even though I do wish to have my mom in vicinity during sickness, I know I can survive on my own. I think that's pretty important. It's good to receive help when possible, but you should never entirely rely on other people. Sounds a little bitter with life though, doesn't it?

Anway, another thing is that mom and I always argue when I get sick. I mean, I get that from a carer's point of view, you just want to do anything to see the sick person suffer less, and that might include seeing a doctor in any case, or pumping into them heaps of paracetamol. But it's also just natural for med-educated people to think, "Well, if I go see a doctor, they'll just check this and that (stuff I can do by myself), and most likely they'll just tell me to get home and rest and prescribe some painkillers (also stuff I can do by myself)." Ask any other med student or physician, and you'll now what I mean.

(Also, to be quite honest, I was dreading a possible spinal tap... 🙈)

So, are we not the worst patients in the world, or what? :P

(It's the year of the Rooster this year, that's my zodiac sign! Could only mean good things now, right? Not that I'm superstitious or anything. Anyway, happy lunar new year!)

Goodbye 2016, It's About Time

Another year has passed, and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt time flying faster than this time. The sudden realization that I’ll be 24 this year surely doesn’t make me feel better. I don’t consider 24 old, it’s just that I don’t feel accomplished enough for a 24-year-old, with so many things I haven’t been able to get done. But well, we should all look at the bright side of things, shouldn’t we? So I shall focus more on the things I did get done so far, which are not so small in number, either. I guess.

Two-thousand-and-sixteen, the year so many people have learned to curse, really. I don’t know what the odds are that so many famous people died within one year, but just the events of Aleppo, Nizza, and the American Election, to name a few, are enough to deem 2016 rather unfortunate. For me personally, 2016 hasn’t been the best time of my life, either.

Following me the whole year was that one issue, at the end of which I got my heart broken. It is so hard, so hard, to accept that someone you love has changed, and the person you’re loving does not actually exist anymore. I’ve had my share of misery and tears until I was strong enough to let go. (That hurt just as much as holding on, to be honest.) Yeah, it still is difficult sometimes, but at least I can always come back to that determination in my head that constantly says, “You’ve hurt me long enough. Enough’s enough.” And when I can feel the absence of anger, that’s when I know I’ll be alright.

While in 2015, I was thriving in my social life, I think I rather failed in 2016, even more so towards the end of the year. Especially going through that misery time mentioned above (let’s call it the Big Issue) I often have the feeling that no one can quite keep up with my thoughts and feelings, not even my mom. And being the person so often in need of sharing and caring, the whole situation sucked to me, badly.

I had big plans for 2016 actually, like going to Australia, working on my dissertation thesis, and so on. None of my plans went smoothly, and a lot of them were only fulfilled in parts. I really do think that it all has something to do with the Big Issue, as it distracted me too much to perform well in anything. This would be a first actually, me letting emotions affect work. Another reason to keep myself more in check in 2017.

But enough of the dark stuff, let’s look at the bright side. There are two positive things that I’ll remember 2016 for. One of them is the Twinning project with the medical faculty in Kaunas, Lithuania. I had the best two weeks in a very, very long time with the people then, only happy memories of laughter and smiles coming up when I think back to it. For that, I am endlessly grateful to everyone who participated and made that special memory of mine possible. The last times that I can remember savoring every moment of a trip like that is up to ten years ago, when I visited my friends in Vietnam for the first few times. The second thing I shall be thankful for in 2016 is becoming flatmates with Yaldi and Tobi. Especially Yaldi has turned out to be a treasure. I don’t think I’ve ever had that much fun living outside of my parent’s home, and I have been doing that for over five years already. If you two are reading this, please know that I love you guys to bits. But I guess you already know that. :P

Well yeah, that’s my looking back for this year. I like to look back in order to pave the roads for the future, so now I shall list my resolutions for 2017:

·    

· Learn Japanese properly.
· Get a satisfying result for the second state exam this summer. (Dis I’m most scared of tbh.)
· Keep balance by being active and doing sports even more regularly.
· Educate myself more about social issues, especially gender equality and economics, and then form some stances that are based on more systematic reasoning.

Gosh, that sounds so nerdy. But that also really sounds like me. :P

I have a good feeling about 2017. Let's wait and see.