Lack of empathy, serial killer qualities, overcoming bribe temptations, ignorance vs conceitedness and maybe more

My compulsory internship of 3 months has officially ended, woohoo! Beside from the little things here and there I have learned, the biggest accomplishment I've achieved is the absolute realization that I'll never go after a nursing job. Wiping behinds for helpless old grandpas and grandmas is a very admirable thing to do but I'm not that benevolent, I'm sorry. /:) Either way, to actually have to go through with it and hate it as much as I did made me appreciate the work of the nursing staff even more. I'll make sure to never treat any of them wrongly in the future.

Actually, during the internship, my dislike for nursing activities became so strong that I started to question my compassion towards other people. Then I look back and realize like, 'Hey, remember the previous internship when you saw the very first grandma dying? You had that look on your face, everyone thought you were emotionally affected, but it was just sheer professional interest and a little bit of fascination, too.'

Do I not only lack empathy but am I a pyscho too? I mean, it fits the profile of a serial killer. You know, the fascination for death and all that.


/shock

Just kidding, lol. But I sure wondered if there's something wrong with me. Lack of empathy definitely is not what makes a good doc. Well, I was in doubt until yesterday when a grandma tried to... bribe me. She had some really nasty clostridia difficile in her intestine and because she can't walk, I had to come in every two hours to help her clean the mess in her bed. That was going on in the last two night shifts I had. Aparrently I showed so much enthusiasm and compassion that she was thankful and sorry enough to stuff money into my pocket. Later when I left her dark bedroom I realized it was a 20€ bill. Helloooo was I surprised! That was when I realized even though I have to do things I don't enjoy, I don't let people see my uncomfortableness if it was going to hurt them. And I think I can live with that. Asking myself to feel empathy for everyone and everything is impossible. I'm not Jesus, for the Earth's sake!

Anyway, I gave the 20€ back to the grandma. It took some pondering too, but I have then decided. She was kinda sad I didn't keep the money, and truthfully, I was thinking whether it was stupid of me to give it back or not. I mean, I could really use another 20€, you know? But it just didn't feel completely right to take it. I mean, what I've done for her was worth much less than 20€. Even though I still think I deserve way more than that for the three months I worked my butt off in the hospital, but every med student has to go through it, it's like an obligation, so I can't really ask for anything in return. If the grandma had given me 2€ or something, I would've taken it, it's like giving me chocolate to show me how thankful she is. But 10 times cleaning after diarrhea isn't worth 20€. I told her the fact that she wanted to make me happy already made me happy and I hope that's enough to cheer her up from the disappointment of me not wanting the money. Hell, I wanted it but I just couldn't take it. For a while, I kept thinking whether it was naive of me and if I should regret not taking the money because I could really use it, like I could really really use it. But then I told my parents about it and their first reaction was showing strong approval of what I did. Dad was like, 'If you took it, it would be babysteps to becoming like everyone in Vietnam. Bribing is so common there, it's almost a formal thing to do.' And am I not always so very critical of that? Yes, I am. Now I'm feeling good. No doubts whatsoever anymore.

Sometimes, all it takes is a little push from others to end a difficult self-debate. :D

Onto another topic.

I think I have a problem with ignorant people. Coming to the realization that my sister isn't as smart as her siblings just somehow disappoints me really bad. Back then in school I could never understand how some of my classmates never grasped the simpliest of logical relations in maths or physics, but now my own sister encounters the same problem. Her grades are anything but good, well, talking about the science subjects, that is. She is good at creative stuff like music and arts and stuff. Okay, everyone has their own forte, I get it, but still, the ability to think logically is required in everything you do later in your life. I still have to figure out a way to cope with my sis. I mean, I love her, but I'm really struggling with what's going on here. I guess the thing that makes me mad the most is that she doesn't even try to improve her weaknesses. She considers it my, my brother and my parents' task to help her get through hard school days. Then again, she is a child, what do I expect. Talking back and forth, in the end, it's still me being immature. Considering her age, I'm obviously asking for too much. Of course we have to lead her on the right path, but it's really hard with me constantly being on the erge of losing my nerves. I don't even know what's wrong with me.

The idea of ignorance just really bothers me. But it worries me how easy it is for me to now fall into the trap of becoming conceited. Hating ignorance doesn't mean you're not ignorant yourself in one or another field, stupid self. You might know a lot about some things, but the world's knowledge is an ocean, remember? What you know is just a drop of that ocean, says Newton. Sigh. There are several times I do stuff which afterwards made me think, 'Damn, are you snooty or what?' :-< But hey, I'm reflecting right now, aren't I? I'll try to work on that... Starting with showing more patience to my sister. Though... patience is a virtue, but never mine. Jeebus, I'm so screwed up T_T