What's up, world?
I just had my last test in med school, excluding the two State Exams coming up this October and November/December next year. It quite is a big deal for German med students; an occasion they celebrate with an excessive night-out drinking. I am surely not your regular med student, at least not anymore. Who else started the last test of their med student life oversleeping for an hour?
I just couldn't sleep last night, and I don't know why. I definitely wasn't too nervous about the test because I knew passing it was a piece of cake. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep a wink until three or four in the morning or so. I was supposed to wake up at seven, but did at 8:30. The test was planned for 7:30 - 9:00 am. So there you go. Within 5 minutes from waking up and realizing I was an hour late, I was at the test location and begged the supervisors to let me take the test, even though more than half of the students were done already. I must have looked so pitiful, because they allowed me to use the last 20 mins. Had I been anyone else, I might have hyperventilated and collapsed in my room and never made it to the test. My hands were shaking so bad when I put my pants on, but I managed to calm myself down and focus on the limited time that was left. I'm pretty proud of myself for how I handled that situation to be honest. Emotions are a shitty thing in situations of the like, and only a cool head is what is needed then. Of course, a lot of luck (both good and bad) were involved that were out of my circle of influence...
Anyway, tonight Gießen will experience another batch of drunk med students celebrating what they call "Scheinfrei", meaning the completion of all their compulsory courses/tests/exams, and thus their permission to take the State Exam, the last hurdle before coming a doc basically. I am not among them. All my friends have gone through that one and two semesters ago, and no one I'm close with actually has time to be my drinking buddy tonight. I will go to Köln and have a night out with Godi, my Lithuanian twin whom I probably won't see again anytime soon. Setting priorities, so to say.
It did take time for me to contemplate about what was the best thing to do tonight. It made me realize why I hate this day, and pretty much every other celebration-worthy day (like my birthday) so much. Maybe I've suppressed it too well before, but now the reason is just so crystal clear in front of my eyes: I hate those days because I am afraid to feel that no one cares. The bigger a deal the occasion is supposed to be, the more I am afraid. Feeling like no one cares hurts so fucking much.
If there's one feeling I shall be accustomed to, then it is the feeling that no one cares. Why? Because I have always been on the move since I was a child. The moment I built relationships that made me feel secure, I moved away. The people who cared couldn't care enough to defeat the distance. The people who were there just don't care enough. (Before I blame it all on my surroundings, I am aware that my commitment issues surely don't help.) Reactively, I built walls as high as the Burj Khalifa to protect myself. The six years in Gießen was the first time I settled down at a place for such a long time, and at some point, I was comfortable, I let my walls down, I actually changed. I didn't even hate birthdays as much anymore. Well, until this year. Until I extended my studies for two semesters and fell behind all my friends. Now there's a distance impossible to defy again for those who care a little, and those who are right there just don't care enough.
That's the reason I don't feel very well lately, I guess. I could be reactive again and build walls around myself, which I am on the brink of doing to be honest, but then again, I have read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and being reactive just isn't how I want to live my life anymore. I have to do something, I have to change how I handle these things. I can't just sit there and wait for someone who cares enough to come along. I need to be proactive instead of reactive. What exactly that means I need to do, though, I still haven't figured out. Come to think of it, this was what kept me up last night. I was thinking about how I can change my life. Sigh.
Ah, you see, this thing with caring and all, it really is an issue. Because I know how much it sucks to feel the way I feel right now, I try to never make anyone experience it. That's why I invest into people, that's why it is so easy for me to love and care about others even though I just met them. If it comes to human connections, I always live in the moment. But I need to find a way to feel less hurt when I don't receive reciprocation. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends showed up after my last lecture, even though I went to theirs and even brought them champagne. I need to feel less hurt when none of my friends ask about how my exams went because no one remembered, even though I don't forget theirs. I need to feel less hurt when I felt like shit and wished for certain close friends just to call and ask how I was, instead of always having to take the initiative. I just have to find a way to feel less hurt, without building walls. But I haven't figured it out. Yet.
I guess that's asking for a couple more nights of insomnia... :)
