To me, my family has not always been my favorite people in the world. As applied to a lot of teenagers, my life revolves around friends for quite a few years of my puberty. It was only until the end of puberty, when, partly due to repeated school transfers, my friendships all more or less faded that I realized the only consistence part of my life are my parents, my brother and my sister. And I quite liked that consistence.
When I say that this consistence compromises of unconditional love, protection, care, guidance, and just simply being-there, I mainly mean my parents, of course. For my siblings, it's rather the other way around. I try my best to give them the same things I receive during all my life. In return, they usually give me love and strength, often unconsciously, but since they are still kids, that's all I'm asking for.
Now my family has always been there for me when I needed them, provided that I let them in, of course. No matter what bullshit I do or say, it was always forgiven because of one simple power: love. It may sound pretty cheesy and clichéd, but there really isn't a more appropriate description I can give. The responsible person in me tries to give back the same treatment to my family, but the heart, of course, does it just out of love (my feelings really like to reciprocate other's positive feelings to me quite easily).
Anyway, my point being: my life is great right now in Prague, but my family is in trouble, and I have to be there for them.
My parents are extremely busy and stressed with work, coupled with construction and renovation work in our house. My brother is a (probably depressed) computer addict and is about to quit school in favor of locking himself up in his room and playing games. My sister is having an exhausting time finding friends at her new school and has lost all the fun and motivation to learn.
Yes, just how more fcked up can the situation be?
I find it so hard to go out to have a drink with friends when at home, my brother runs out at 1 in the morning because my dad turned off the internet connection. I can't properly be in a party mood when at home, my sister cries because on that day in class, she was the only one left alone when they were asked to make groups of two. And how am I supposed to be happy when I know that my parents, one of the people I love the most, are stressed out and sad?
By now I have succumbed to the fact that there's only a limited list of things I can do. To my brother, I cannot reach out. Not anymore. For my parents, I can support them by words, and sometimes just by my presence as I do try to visit home often, and on that chance, help them do the mundane things that need to be done, like cleaning the house. With my sister, I'm studying together now, explaining and helping her with anything she doesn't understand, and give her tips on how to get more friends.
I have realized that in order to do all that, I have to have happy moments for my own sake. I have to get energy and strength from other sources, when the main source I have received in from up until now is in trouble and cannot provide it as before. If I'm always thinking about how forlorn the situation at home is right now, I myself will get depressed, too. That's why now I'm trying to go out with friends, I'm trying to be in a good mood at parties, I'm trying to keep enjoying Prague, this beautiful city. I have to be ready to take on whatever is waiting for me at home.
It's just sometimes, I find it very hard to switch. A surge of guilt always clouds my mind when I come home from happy Prague, and one night is always the least it takes for me to push back the depressive feelings of my family's problems. I just came back to Prague yesterday night, hence this chunk of text. It helps me switch more easily, I guess, or hope.
However hard it might be, I'm positive we will make it. I just hope it's doesn't take too long...
