I don't know, I mean, it's pretty normal for someone to want other people's respect and to not be so happy if that respect isn't given to them in an amount they're used to. But I wish I could just shut this 'hurt' off, because this kind of ego hurting can ignite negative feelings towards other people and I just freaking hate having negative feelings towards anybody, no matter if they deserve it or not. What's so fun about hating someone, be mad at someone, or be jealous of someone? If only I could steer my ego in a way that it would only boost my motivation to become even better, to shove it in other people's faces that I do frigging deserve more respect.
I've tried talking about this, but it didn't help much. Last time, I had to sleep over the problem and weirdly enough all my pent up feelings were gone the next day. That of course was very reassuring to me; I mean, I guess my ego isn't controlling me that much after all. But really, I wish I could just shut it all off, because damn, who the hell needs an ego? The happiest people are the people who do not care about other opinions on themselves and just stay true to who they are.
Is there a way to train that? I need it, badly.
*ETA: I don't know if it's an ego thing, but I also realized I just really hate being average. It does not have anything to do with other people's opinion on me, it's rather that I plainly do not want to be averagely 'good'. I can't always be on top, but average is definitely not satisfying.
